Wednesday, December 31, 2003

Another Work-Related Tale: Comic Book Character as Rap Alias

An extremely large (my estimate is in the early 3 Bills...but I left my scale at home so can only guess here) prospective student trundled into my veal-fattening pen of a cubicle to complete some of his financial aid paperwork. As I was stifling my amazement at his size and diligently finalizing his forms he took note of the Daredevil movie poster I had hanging on one of my walls (a gift from my friend, the Movie Theater Manager).

Future MC: That movie was great.
Me: It was pretty good.
FMC: Not as good as the comic books.
Me (figuring him to be about 18): Yeah. The Miller run from back in the early 80s is still one of favorites; although Bendis' current stuff is right up there and may yet surpass Miller's in my estimation.
FMC: Er...Yeah. Uhm...that's where I got my Rap Name.
Me (looking at the poster depicting the four main characters from the film; namely: Daredevil, Bullseye, Electra and Kingpin): Really? (snicker) So you're MC Daredevil?
FMC: No. Kingpin, man. Kingpin.
Me: That makes sense.
FMC: What?
Me: Kingpin as a Rap Handle. Like you're in charge and ruthless.
FMC: That's straight.
Me ('straight' must be a new slang word meaning 'correct'): Damn straight.

So watch the Billboard Charts in the new future for an MC Kingpin and remember that I exposed him to the unsuspecting world via this blog.

(maybe I'll get a free demo cassette of his)

Monday, December 29, 2003

120 Months Later...

My student loans are paid off entirely as of a few days ago. My little monthly visitor has now left the building (akin to some form of early life menopause?) due to diligent and timely payments (and, boastfully, I can say I never made one late matter how difficult it might have been at the time nor the fact that it kept me parentally-home-bound for a mighty length of time post-college...another situation that was corrected eventually...but THAT took getting married. Repeat after me: LOSER!!!).


This recent development has now freed up an extra couple hundred dollars a month (down from the early years of a FEW hundred bucks...Yay to lower interest rates, eh?) of which I can now decide What to Do With.

Mad Money?


After consulting with my betters (the local clergy, my barrister, Patrolman Steve, and this souse I know that folds napkins down at the Tin Cup) I have come up with a potential list of things I can use this new monthly windfall on.

Let me share them with you:

-Natty new slacks that'll keep folks OOHing, AAAHing, Swaying and Retching.

-Super Sized portions at Non-Super-Sizing Fast Food restaurants (hey, Roscoe...add another fistfull of refrieds on that there burrito, STAT)

-A replica of a Cylon (from the original Battlestar Galactica) to sink in my front yard as a birdbath and/or planter (heck...I'll take a replica of Ed Olmos, from the new BG, if it'll look good with a clutch of daffodils hanging out of his mitts).

-Replacement I've always wanted to clasp an image of Bob Stinson to my face whilst in Nod.

-A jug band to follow me about and provide appropriate soundtrack music to my life.

-Bite the bullet and join Weight Watchers...for the complimentary and congratulatory hugs and celery buffet.

-Personalized Ladle with a spike through the bowl.*

-Daddy's First Still for homebrewed shine; which would assuredly make me Mister Popular on my block (a title I covet but which is currently held by Old Widow Johnstone and her homemade hoarhound candies).

-Finally allow the neighbor kid to shovel my walk, mow my lawn, clean my gutters and fan me with fronds? Might help with the Mister Popular vote (at least One more YEA in the ballot box).


I should take some more time to mull this over before making any significant financial investment.


*Again with the ladle...oy.

Friday, December 26, 2003

Holiday Observations

My extended family on my father's side cannot recall my age nor my occupation but you better believe they recall that I missed the family X-mas gathering last evidenced with the constant stream of 'Where the Fuck were ya last year?' inquiries.*

The wife learned that my oft-stated quote (during the Holiday Season), 'Tis the season to be jarry' is from the film A CHRISTMAS STORY and not my lame-ass attempt at inflecting a poorly done and stupidly stereotypical Asian accent when she finally saw the movie for the very first time.

There are very few people left living that know what Figgy Pudding
is as attested by the confused looks I was given by those in my proximity whilst I incessantly chanted the term.**

My nephew loves his new wooden building blocks set AND also (as it turns out) thinks it's funny when you put some of them down his pants. It was this very thing that enabled me to teach him the words Block Pants when referencing this stunt.


*Paraphrasing and Colorful language of my own devising with this quotation. Nary a one of my relatives said 'FUCK' in reference to me TO MY FACE...but I'm sure there have been plenty of other usages of such away from my presence.

**Okay. Okay. The confused looks were caused by the folk hearing my desert-ian mantra and wondering why in the Flip I was yelling it in the first place...and, p'raps, concluding that I had a very Special Christmas-y variation of Tourette's Syndrome. 'Noel. Noel. The angel's did F-f-f-f-f-FUCKER.'

Monday, December 22, 2003


Remember this song from your youth?

Picking up paw-paws; put 'em in a basket.
Picking up paw-paws; put 'em in a basket.
Picking up paw-paws;put 'em in a basket.
Way down yonder in the paw-paw patch.

Now, when I first heard this song back in grade school* I was under the impression that the term Paw-Paws was slang for Fathers, that the Paw-Paw Patch was code for a tavern or local watering hole and that the process of picking them up and putting them in a basket was sending someone into the swillhouse to get the assembled and besotted patriarchs home by means of some cart or other wheeled conveyance, as it was well past the time they were to be home.

Silly young me.

As it turns out, Paw-Paws are a fruit-bearing tree...not soused-outta-their-gourds-Pa Pas.


Talk about being completely off on THIS, eh?


*And I won't even get why in the hell we had to learn THIS and the Goober Peas tune nor the terribly juvenille lyric changes the latter underwent under our watch.

Sunday, December 21, 2003

X-mas Panic Shopping

My preferred mode of Holiday Shopping for those I hold dear (and the others that I am obligated to get something for via blood and/or legal ties) is the Last Minute Panic Purchase. Nothing quite like this manic feeling on X-mas eve, hunkered down at the local SuperAmerica (or some other gas station slash convenience store), scanning the aisles for that certain something for that certain someone:

'Hmm...Uncle Joe isn't getting any younger. This holiday tin of Reese's Pieces would be totally appropriate if it wasn't for his diabetes. Guess he'll have to settle for this Windshield Wiper Fluid...that is...if he drove. Grr, this is tougher than I thought it would be. What can I get for my godfather? What's this? Listerine? That's it! Listerine and a loaf of Wonder Bread. He could filter the mouthwash through the bread and have a good pull on some hobo-istic liquor!!! Done and Done.'


' sister is a bit of a trollop. I s'pose this family-sized pack of condoms would look nice under the tree. Hah...'family-sized condoms!' Talk about inappropriately named packaging.'


'Who doesn't like Skoal? Perfect stocking stuffers. I can even show my nephew and niece how to make little origami spit cups for their excess spittle!'

(ho ho hold it)

Thursday, December 18, 2003

Supression of Geek-Responsorial...Successful!
ROTK Division

Once Gandalf arrives in Gondor he is called by one of his many different names, Mithrandir.

At one point, after he is addressed as such, a gentleman behind me leans over to his companion and asks, 'What's Mithrandir?' to which his friend replies, 'It's Gandalf's sword.'


It was the only moment during the film that I felt the Nerd-Blood rising...willing me to turn to them and blurt out, 'NO! His sword's name is GLAMDRING, dammit! Mithrandir is another one of Gandalf's Names!!!'

Fortunately, I quelled the urge to flaunt my Tolkien-ese dorkiness and resumed watching the film (which I enjoyed a great deal).

(too many rereads of the trilogy and all the other Tolkien books...I'd assume)

Tuesday, December 16, 2003

Gourd Pride in ROTK
Minor to Non-Existent Spoilers to the film below

The quartet have returned to the Shire and are seen uncharacteristically quiet whilst sipping tankards of ale amongst the typically rambunctious Hobbiton tavern crowd; p'raps respectively reflecting on their trials and tribulations as part of the successful Fellowship originally formed in Rivendell with the task of destroying the One Ring (as crafted by the evil and unseen Sauron...himself but a former flunky of Morgoth with a chip on his incorporeal shoulder; but I digress...I'm sure few of you have read The Silmarillion).

As the scene unfolds and the camera tracks across the interior of the tavern your eyes are immediately drawn to a Hobbit clutching a gigantic pumpkin ('gigantic' in proportion to one of Halfling-stock...merely 'husky' to you and me...unless you happen to be one of the Little People...err...digressing again) with many of the onlookers talking excitedly about it while it gets passed about (mayhap a Hobbit tradition to clutch one another's gourds?). As their dialogue is buried beneath the loud revelry of the tavern, I can only assume the talk went something like this:

'Damn fine pumpkin ya got there, WideShorts!'

'That's a gourd you could choke a balrog with...Nice Work, Bango WideShorts!'

'Hoist that pumpkin high, ya Garden Wizard!'

'Hey, Gaffer...ya see this? Closest thing you've ever grown o' that size is the paunch on yer fatass son, Sam-wurst. Heh Heh Heh.'

And so on.

A real scene stealer.

While you should be paying attention to the recently returned quartet and consider their thoughts and silence amid their kin-folk in the context of the changes they have undergone as a result of their adventures with men, elves, dwarves, ents, orcs, uruk-hai, wizards, et cetera, you, as the viewer, are Immediately torn away from the Heroes to some filthy hobbit clutching a huge pumpkin.

Is their some hidden meaning, some Symbolism I am missing that Peter Jackson intended for this glorious gourd to stand for or not?

Don't get me wrong, there's plenty to be proud about when you can grow something that size in your garden and show it off to your pals at the bar (I've seen it done many times in my life post-21; 'Hey, Lou! Ya ever lay eyes on a squash the size of a pony?')...but it is my opinion that this seemingly Innocent background action actually detracts from the Intent of the Scene and should have found itself on the editing room floor (and recovered for the inevitable Extended Edition DVD...I'd love to hear the commentary track about that damn pumpkin).

Am I making a Mountain out of a Molehill?

You be the Judge when you see Return of the King.

(remember...towards the end of the film...tavern...freakin' Hobbit clasping an oversized pumpkin...)

Monday, December 15, 2003

In case you Didn't Know

The film, Sophie's Choice, starring Meryl Streep and Kevin Kline and released in 1982 was neither set in a deli nor involved her opting between Reuben or Rachel sandwiches.

You got that?


Sunday, December 14, 2003

Not So Famous Last Words

'Oh...yeah...this feels great...a lil' light headed...wish I'd have thought of this beforGURK!!!'

Michael Huthence hanging out to dry (in more ways than one) after an ill-advised autoerotic asphyxiation experience, November 22nd, 1997

Saturday, December 13, 2003

Note to Self

The correct answer to one of today's New York Time's Crossword clues King Topper is not Afro as it clearly called for six letters and not four. Please allow this error to vacate the gray matter and allow you to Stop thinking it Must Be So. It is bogging you down and not affording you the opportunity to finish the damn thing.

End Note.

(and why in the Hell did you think the clue meant Don KING anyway?)

Thursday, December 11, 2003

Girl-y Boy

Number of Times I've been called Ma'am Today?


Number of Times I've been called Ma'am since 1981-2 (Onset of Puberty)?


Do I sway my hips in such a fashion that might encourage someone to believe me of the female persuasion or some other misidentified trait/behavior/slacks selection?

It certainly cannot be due to my thick facial hair...can it?

Perhaps the mistaken person was raised by Carnies and in close proximity to the Bearded Lady's Trailer?

(confused...but not Gender-Confused, as far as I know)

Wednesday, December 10, 2003


You know all those e-mail surveys your friends send you that ask things like:

-Dogs or Cats:
-Bacon bits or croutons:
-Your favorite Monkee is ___

and your answers will offer others a glimpse of your personality/sanity/depravity/et cetera?

After receiving these things in various forms and mutations I decided to create my own a couple of years ago just for shits and giggles.

Thanks go out to LA for reminding me about it so that I can now offer you that self-made survey of mine (feel free to pass it around...har):

Identify Yourself by Name, Serial Number, Stench or Alias:

Your Ethnic Mixture:

Your Personal Slogan:

What was the Age of your First De-Flowering (real or imagined)?

N'SYNC, En Vogue, Inseam or UnSeemly?

Have you taken Jesus T. Christ as your Savior?
If Not, if you caught Savior-Faire, would you turn him into Mincemeat (a la
Klondike Kat)?

What is your Preferred Clinch?

Jaws, Orca or Free Willy?

Boston University...Pro or Con?

Do you Jingle your Change?
If Yes, are you Still Kinda Cute?

Favorite AWA Wrestler?

Favorite Saint Bernard's Wrestler?

Do you own a Bong?

Were any of your Classmates named Bong?

Is the MAN out to get you?
If Yes, is your name Chico and do you sleep in a car in his garage?

What would the title of your Autobiography be?

Name a Pianist (Classical or Otherwise) that you would like to see
bludgeoned (by your own hands or by the Club of a hired Cudgelist):

Jackie Chan, Chuck Norris, Steven Seagal or Pat Morita?

Last Book you were Unable to Finish?

Have you ever seen your parent(s) in a Compromising Position?

Have your parents ever caught you in a Compromising Position?

Finish the Following Statement:

Seeing a Man about a Horse is to Urination as
Strangling the Transient is to __________________.

Belly Button...In or Out?

If a Tree falls in the Forest and there is No One around to hear it,
could you Identify the Lumberjack Responsible?

Has your Body ever been used as a(n):
1. table
2. blank canvas
3. battering ram
4. source of heat
5. source of nutrition
6. article of clothing
7. ladder
8. monkey bar
9. ottoman
10. paper weight

What is your preferred brand of Denim-wear?

Have you ever been to a Hyptonist?
If Yes, do you ever experience spells of Unexplained Clucking?

What is the Last Recording that you Purchased?
Was it worth it?

Name a Television Program (Broadcast or Cable) with No Redeeming

Do you remember Captain Caveman?
If Yes, are you of the belief that he was having relations with the
ladies of his Crime Solving Posse?

One Night Stand, Two Night Stand or No Standing At All?

Three Words you Would Use to Describe yourself?

If you were Corky from the television program LIFE GOES ON, what would
you do for Fun?

Cassius Clay or Muhammed Ali?

Have you ever attired yourself in Swaddling?

Name your favorite sandwich?

Cream Corn from the Socket of Davis, Locust Abortion Technician, Hairway
to Steven or Electric Larryland?

Van Morrison...Fat enough for you?

What is the Maximum Number of White Castle burgers (plain or with
cheese) you have consumed in one sitting/leaning/standing/hunching?

Would you make fun of a person with a Lazy Eye?
If Yes, what would you say or do to slander this person?

Pastrami-on-Rye or John the Baptist with Fries?

Name the last person you gave "the Business" to?
Define "the Business" as it relates to you:

What is your Least Favorite Beast of Burden?

Where is the oddest place you have ever Boxed the Clown?
a. In the Ringmaster's Dressing Wagon
b. Atop the hood of a Shriner's Car
c. At a child's Birthday party
d. Whilst dangling from a trapeze
e. Other: __________________


Tuesday, December 09, 2003

At the Vet
a quick real tale

Me (noting a new person working the front desk): I'm here to pick up the Duralactin for my dog.

Woman at the Front Desk: Okay. What's the last name.

Me (deciding to have a bit of fun): BigPants.

WATFD (looks at me quizzically): O...kay. That'll be a moment.
(leaves to fetch the prescription and returns empty handed)
We haven't any records for a Mister BigPants here. What's the last name again?

Me (snork): BigPants. His last name is BigPants.

WATFD (sighing): No. When I asked for the last name I meant YOUR LAST NAME...Not your dog's Last Name.

Me (stifled chortle): Ah...well my doctor doesn't keep MY records under my canine companion's I figured that's what you meant.

WATFD (repressing her rage at my silliness): Your last name, sir?

Which I then gladly gave to her and was one my way in a few minutes.

(a minor larf...but what the hell)

Monday, December 08, 2003

A lil' bit O' Comic Book Trivia (related to the X-men's Wolverine)

A few weeks back I replaced my long missing Uncanny X-men run (94-144) by purchasing the first two Essential X-men Trade Paperbacks. These particular editions reprint the classic Len Wein/Dave Cockrum and Chris Claremont/John Byrne runs for an extremely reasonable amount ($12 odd bucks a piece).

Finally got around to reading Volume 0ne and came upon, what I think, is an odd piece of trivia to share with you.

The first time we learn Wolverine's name Logan (which, as we've learned in ORIGIN-- a recent mini-series that finally revealed the early background of this character after being an important part of the Marvel Line for the last 26 odd years-- isn't his birthname, but whatever) is in issue 103 of this series (cover dated February 1977)

The X-men take a vacation at Sean Cassidy's* Keep in Ireland and are assailed by Sean's kin, Black Tom Cassidy, and Charles Xavier's** step-brother, Cain Marko (Juggernaught). As it turns out the Cassidy Keep is infested with Little People.***

At one point Wolverine encounters one of these sprites who addresses Wolvie in the following fashion:

Little Person: I think I c'n help ye there, Mr. Logan.

Wolverine: Huh?!? Who the blazes are you, bub? An' how do you know my name?

Little Person: I'm called Padraic, mate-- an' we little people know a lot o' things.

THIS would be the first time we (the readers) learn that Wolverine goes by the name of Logan.

And we learn it from Padraic of the Little People.

Nice one, Mister Claremont.

I can see why I so wanted to replace these old comics of mine.

(stewin' in me Nerd Juices)

*Sean Cassidy aka Banshee, another X-Men and not Shaun Cassidy the former Teen Idol and star of Televisions's The Hardy Boys. I may be a geek but I'm not writing up anything about that fellow...gotta keep my nerdliness within certain boundaries, after all, and Ex-Hunky Heart Throbs aren't my kettle of booya...yet.

**Professor Xavier founded the X-men.

***Of the Leprechaun/Elf/Imp Variety and Not your normal run of the mill runts we currently refer to as (due to Political Correctness) Little People but were once called midgets and dwarves.

****Gotta have the accent to add authenticity, eh?

Friday, December 05, 2003

Veterinary Technician Qualifications

As I have stated here before, I work at a local college. One of the programs that our institution offers is Veterinary Technician (or Vet Tech for those that favor a shorter handle for this course of study).

Today I was fortunate enough to overhear a prospective student discussing the particular reasons she felt that this was the career for her.

One example stood out to me and I wish to share it with you at this time (and I quote):

'I can distinguish between a ferret and a squirrel, y'know?'


A good start for sure, eh?

But certainly not enough.

Now, if a vet tech is able to specialize on particular animals than this would be a quality I would look for when hiring a new employee at my Squirrel and Ferret Hospital.

Sadly, this is often not the case.

What if a fellow shows up with an ailing mule and you mistaken it for a burro and administer burro medical techniques upon it?

One dead mule, my friends...

One. Dead. Mule.*

Or a feverish pet spider monkey IDed in error for a potbelly pig with hot flashes?

A stone cold simian would result.

Our students need more in this department; it's not all about squirrels and ferrets, after all.

I have faith in the instructors in this program at our school that this prospective student (and all the others) can broaden her (their) animal identification abilities through intensive study AND the purchase of the adult-version of Fisher Price's See N Say.

If not we're going to need a good lawyer and a big shovel.


*And a former Mule Owner/Companion distraught over the loss-by-misidentification of their beast of burden. That is something I would find hard to (ahem) Live With.

Thursday, December 04, 2003

Frank Zappa: RIP

It was Ten Years ago today that Frank Zappa passed away.

In his memory why not bust out one of your favorite recordings by this great musician and give it a spin.

If you are one of the unfortunate folk out there that do not possess any of his discs please feel free to repeat the following phrase over and over again in your mind in honor of the man, his music and his memory.

Great Googley Moogley!!!

(a serious post for once)

Wednesday, December 03, 2003


Quick note:

Chugging a box of wine and then hitting the head to 'make water' does not allow you to refer to yourself as the Reverse-Jesus, Bizarro Jesus, Alternate Universe Jesus nor any other alias of this nature.

That is not a kind of Transubstaniation and does not prove your potential for Anti-Messiah-hood.



Monday, December 01, 2003

So...What'd Ya Do on Yer Vacation?
Top Five Responses

5. Heckled contortionists*

4. Sated my Inner Nerd with a viewing of The Two Towers Extended Edition and going all 'goose-fleshy' at the parts this secondary personality deemed Gimli-cious; dern dwarf** fancier that he is.

3. Impressed exactly one person with knowing the definition of the word, horripilation.***

2. Briefly considered becoming a postal carrier due to my love of the great outdoors, meeting new people and hurtling domesticated pets.

1. Spent the better part of three days perturbed at the ranking of Public Image Limited's, Metal Box, on Rolling Stone's Top 500 Albums of All Time list...but then realizing that there are many other things to waste my energy heckling contortionists.

(now that's a vacation, eh?)

*At least, I think they were contortionists. I'm not sure regular folk are THAT bendy and/or bent. I met a crooked man...indeed.

**First contortionists and now dwarves? Some sort of covert carnival lust seething deep within me, eh?

***That definition is: The bristling of the body hair, as from fear or cold; goose bumps. As per the genes imparted upon me from the coupling of my parents, I have a lot of experience in an the abundance-of-hair-department and, naturally, the bristling of said pelt; thus knowing this term. Ties in nicely with the dwarve entry...ew.