X-mas Panic Shopping

My preferred mode of Holiday Shopping for those I hold dear (and the others that I am obligated to get something for via blood and/or legal ties) is the Last Minute Panic Purchase. Nothing quite like this manic feeling on X-mas eve, hunkered down at the local SuperAmerica (or some other gas station slash convenience store), scanning the aisles for that certain something for that certain someone:

'Hmm...Uncle Joe isn't getting any younger. This holiday tin of Reese's Pieces would be totally appropriate if it wasn't for his diabetes. Guess he'll have to settle for this Windshield Wiper Fluid...that is...if he drove. Grr, this is tougher than I thought it would be. What can I get for my godfather? What's this? Listerine? That's it! Listerine and a loaf of Wonder Bread. He could filter the mouthwash through the bread and have a good pull on some hobo-istic liquor!!! Done and Done.'

or

'Well...my sister is a bit of a trollop. I s'pose this family-sized pack of condoms would look nice under the tree. Hah...'family-sized condoms!' Talk about inappropriately named packaging.'

or

'Who doesn't like Skoal? Perfect stocking stuffers. I can even show my nephew and niece how to make little origami spit cups for their excess spittle!'

T
(ho ho hold it)