Tuesday, August 31, 2004

The Rite of the Damp Forehead Gift Ideas

While perusing some of the hits this lil' blog has had over the last seven days, I took note of the following search term that brought an anonymous person to my neck of the Net:

"Appropriate Baptismal Presents"

Ever the helpful sort...here's my list of Baptism Gifts:

Baby-sized waders (keeps the lower extremities dry while the little 'un is luxuriating in the Baptismal Fount)

A dual-purpose crucifix (in case the child grows up to be a Satanist...flip that sucker upside down and HAIL LUCIFER!!!)

The Passion of the Christ dvd (out today...line Mel's pockets all the in the name of the Good Lord)

Fisher Price's Little Person's Christian Cell Phone (includes five different 'answers' like, "This is Jesus, Repent, you worm!!!" and "Jehovah's Roofing and Siding?")

Jesus Stigmata Temporary Tattoos

Replica Shroud of Turin security blanket

Better late than never...maybe they're still looking for a gift for their soon-to-be-moistened child and will land here a second time and take some of my recommendations/ideas to heart.


Monday, August 30, 2004

So I went Up North...

...a few weeks back and, prior to this vacation, stopped off at an area Target to get some assorted dealie-bobs, geegaws and assorted sundries. When my circuit of the store was complete I made a second pass and came upon the Camping Gear department. While I wasn't necessarily camping (we were staying at a cabin) I would be 'roughing it' (at least in my very peculiar definition of this term...which usually means 'not sleeping in my own bed') and decided it would very 'outdoorsy' of me if I purchased something 'rugged' to flaunt when my City Mouse Nature was belittled by my fellow Cabin mates, local citizenry and the random anthropomorphic woodland creature ('Who you callin' GREENHORN, Mister Vole?!?). What would it be?

A canteen?
Naw...beer comes in it's own container and I was sure we had a cooler of some sort.

A flashlight?
Naw...the one that really caught my eye was akin to those Cop Flashlights (the ones that take 20 odd Double D batteries, or whatever, and are suitable for illuminating entire city blocks AND tremendous blunt force injuries).

A compass?
WWWEEELLLLLL...this would be appropriate for me as I'm reknowned for getting lost in the very city of my birth. Plop me out in the wilderness 3 1/2 hours north of the TCs and see how I'd fare. Since I planned on not going anywhere alone I axed this consideration and prayed that IF I were to become lost that my (non-existent) former Cub Scout skills would be recalled (When lost in the woods...lie down and scream until unconscious? Eat waterbugs? Something like that)

A Leathermen tool?
Hell, YEAH! Those things are even cooler than Swiss Army Knives! Just the thing to boost my image as a Ranger Rick-ian or somesuch nonsense. That's just the thing I needed. Plus it came with its own leather holster! Almost a faux-Batman Utility Belt vibe that certainly catered to the Nerdblood coursin' through my veins.

Or so I thought.

Egads, were they expensive. Was it worth the 70 odd bucks for the deluxe Leathermen for a few days of respect from my Up-Northian Brethren? Surely there would be assorted OOOs and AAAHs from the assembled masses when I, say, whipped out my handy-dandy Leathermen pliers and removed the thorn from the anguished bear's paw (and, thus, obtaining a lifelong ally in the mold of Chewbacca's soul debt to Han Solo) OR, utilizing one of the knifes of this multi-purpose tool, whittling my very own arrows, toothpicks and clogs...but was the expense worth this fleeting noteriety?

After much pondering (and total abandonment of said desire to appear 'rugged') I finally settled on spending the money instead on Mattel's newly released Millenium Falcon AND a Han Solo action figure...I mean, shit, the things got electronic sound effects and Everything.

Old Dog...No new tricks.

(and, sadly, I couldn't locate a new Chewbacca...but I'm still looking...mayhap there's a badge to be earned for Wookiee Action Figure 'Safari'?)

Thursday, August 26, 2004

REVENGE OF THE SITH Rumor too 'good' (kaff) to not Mention

I'll leave my thoughts to myself on the following:

"Okay. Here's how the scene was described to me. The setting... Tattooine (sic). Yoda and Chewbacca are together when the Clonetroopers are ordered to kill the Jedi. What does Yoda do? He grabs some mud, smears it on his face, jumps on Chewbacca's back, acts all stupid like his first appearance in Empire Strikes Back, and pretends to be Chewie's pet.
To further the deception, he farts. Yes, you read that right: Yoda farts."

See http://www.theforce.net/episode3/index.shtml#24672 for details.


Tuesday, August 24, 2004

Now More than Ever

The world needs a lil' Tiberius shakin' his thang:


Shat, Shat, Shat
Shat, Shat, Shat
Shatner's beautie!
Shatner's beautie!

(with no apologies to KC and his so-called Sunshine Band)

Saturday, August 21, 2004

Next time...maybe a moat and a drawbridge...

A conversation between a telemarketer and I from yesterday:

TM: Hello. I'm Paul with ___________ Siding. How are you this evening?
ME: Eating.
TM: Great. How long have you been in your home?
ME: (grrr) Over half a decade.
TM: Have you considered having your siding replaced?
ME: It's only three years old.
TM: Howabout your roof?
ME: It's only 7 years old.
TM: Gutters?
ME: Last year.
TM: Who would you call if you were going to have some exterior work on your home?
ME: (duh) I'd imagine I'd call a lovely service like the one you're employed by. Do you telemarket AND work the hot mop?
TM: What other sort of work are you considering for your home?
ME: Adding a tower.
TM: (perplexed pause) What?
ME: I'm going to add a tower to my home.
TM: A tower?!?
ME: Yes.


Friday, August 20, 2004

Manic Panic

There was a call I missed listed on my cell phone this morning from a number I did not recognize. Utilizing the wonders of the Internet I plugged the number into an on-line reverse directory to identify the source; imagine my surprise when the number came up as originating from Bighorn Airways out of the great state of Wyoming (Sheridan to be specific).

...the Hell?

Who was calling me from Wyoming?

An old acquaintance or friend, having just quit the rodeo clown circuit, looking for a place to hang his scarlet nose and kinky wig once back in the Twin Cities?

Had some long lost luggage of mine (p'raps an errant shaving kit?) been recovered at this location? Maybe a discarded monogrammed towel from my past has been correctly identified (via intensive DNA testing) and traced to me? Hell, maybe an abandoned pair of underpants during my nomadic years as a railhopper?

Was a agent for the government of Wyoming coming to get me for some outstanding warrant? What crime had been pinned on me? Had I desecrated Old Faithful, whether in-person or by proxy? Might I had been implicated in a plot to do Something to the geyser by a person using my name as an alias (fill it full of cheese? urinate into it? deface a sign into reading 'Old Spewy?)?
Why would agent call ahead to warn me? Would I not flee from prosecution even if wrongly accused? Wouldn't you?

So many things crossed my mine and my heart raced at the thought of doing time for a crime I did not (knowingly) commit. Should I flee to the mountains a la Grizzly Adams? Would I be fortunate enough to befriend a bear cub if I became a fugitive of this sort like Dan Haggerty's TV character? Sure, I'm not in any way, shape or form an outdoorsy person, but might a friendly Native American instruct me in the construction of a smallish two -room hogan in which I would ride out the rest of my days? Are there still people like Mad Jack around that might bring me fresh supplies and mentor me in the ways of corn mash fermenting?

Or could it simply have been a wrong number?

I hope to find out soon.


Wednesday, August 18, 2004

Hardwood Grunter
a short quiz

From the list below, correctly identify what a HARDWOOD GRUNTER is:

1. A pornographic film involving a Floor Refinisher and his spastic colon.
3. The starting noseguard for the Poughkeepsie Dustbins.
4. A deer calling device.
5. A foul sexual maneuver one could utilize in place of The Dirty Sanchez, Arabian Googles, The Humboldt Position, Italian Chandelier and so on.

If you picked 4 it is a safe bet that you are a hunter because I sure as hell was startled by the name of this device when I ran across it while accompanying some pals to a sporting goods store. If I WERE a hunter and, whilst in the woods searching for my deer-ish prey, I'd lose it completely in a fit of hysterical laughter when I reached for my HARDWOOD GRUNTER (with extendable GRUNT TUBE per the packaging blurb...the Hell?!?); said HarHar-ing would certainly drive any nearby animals out of range of my trusty weapon-of-choice.

"Hey, Stanley...ya gots that HARDWOOD GRUNTER handy?"
"Why, Earl...I thought you'd never ask."
(hunting pants hit the ground and vigorous Rutting ensues)


Friday, August 13, 2004

Some Notes of mine I found scribbled on a Post-It
Otherwise Known As I HAVE SOME WRITER'S BLOCK going on

Hmm...they must have been story ideas I had for this blog and now I have no idea what I had in mind when I jotted them down.


The Beef Industry is out to get me

Workmen's Rustler Jeans with reinforced rivets

Sasquatch Sings

Berries and Dung

Backalley Gravy discovered on a Starless Night

Stack Panic: The True Story of a Flapjack OCD

Sentient Pillowcase

Mind if I take my socks off?

Mayor McCheese is one Line One

Reaching the peak of Mount Shoehorn

He isn't Slow...he only has ONE LUNG!!!

There's a Rodeo in my pants and nary a Clown to be found

Smug Lunch and Braggart Bloaters

Soup or Rap Star?

Kiss my Sculpture

The Meatball Countessa

The new rag's appearance left Doris aghast

The Last American Hobo Clown

Toenail Clippers are not in the 'Petite Cutlery' category

From the Loins of Ron...

Oh...that's right...the last one was going to be about Ron Howard's hot daughter, Bryce Dallas Howard, and her role in M. Night's THE VILLAGE. Not so much a review of the film as it was to be a drooling love fest about this young beauty.


Rereading that list I think there may be some material up there that I can work with.


Monday, August 09, 2004

How to Pass the Time when Locked Out of your Home

Join neighborhood youngsters in a game of hopscotch and totally whip them at their own game by making the squares adult-sized. Keep the chalk as winnings.

Pitch wood chips at cars. When they stop to yell at you tell them you're sorry but that they'd driven through the path of your invisible wood chipper, Stephano.

Set up a Sod Juice stand (25 cents a gulp).

Attach errant roofing shingles to your shorts, identify them as mud flaps, and engage in a quick round of "I'm a Semi!"

Don a length of garden hose as a bandolier for a pick-up game of CHEWBACCA'S DAY OFF.

Rain Gutter Pachinko

Cobble together some random thoughts and pontificate from your front stoop about the joys of your new religion. Stone any heretics.

McGyver your undergarments into a crude slingshot and hit the trail as the always feared Squirrel Hunter.

Begin construction of that moat you've always dreamed of having.

Garden trowel lawn darts.

Shine On, You Crazy Diamond
Pink Floyd Not Included (and no recent sighting of Syd, either)

"You've been frequenting my stand since the late 80s and you're certainly one of my favorite patrons...what with you generous tips and fine choices in quality footwear. With this in mind I hope you don't mind me asking ya something...Y'see, it's always real busy here and I hardly ever get a chance to take a lunch break. You surely appreciate how my line of work can really make a man hungry and all. I don't s'pose you'd mind giving me a hand while I finish you off do ya?"

Ever the charitable fellow (and being very fond of Ron the "Buff-Buffer"), I gently fed him three White Castles and some french fries while he finished shining my loafers.

Hey, he's really that good a shoe-shiner and his rag snapping is without peer.


Friday, August 06, 2004

Rock Bands as Superheroes

Musing recently about KISS and the television special they had back in the late 70s (if memory serves) wherein they each possessed super-powers based on their stage costumery (Gene was the Demon, Peter was the Cat, et cetera) and fought some evil dude at a haunted theme park/circus/some such place. Gave me an idea that other acts could also be converted to superheroes and, maybe, even have comics produced to share their adventures with their mass of fans.

The Who

Base of operations is the Moon of Keith.
Doll-Tree, their leader, has the ability to grow plush toys from his extremities.
Ent-Whistle is a living tree possessing the skills of a world-class horn player.
Towns-End is the Destroyer of All Cities.

All I have to do now is pitch this idea to Marvel, DC, Image, Dark Horse...some publisher...and see how it goes.

(badly, I'd imagine)

Thursday, August 05, 2004

That's our Bush
the truth slips out in the latest Bushism

"Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we."


Four more years of him?


Wednesday, August 04, 2004

One Conversation, Two Mistakes
A real exchange with a co-worker today

Not-Me-Guy: You kinda look like Devo today.
Me: (taking a moment to check that I'm not wearing a flower pot as a lid) The band? The band that sang WHIP IT and MONGOLOID?
Not-Me-Guy: Right on...the guy that sang those songs, Devo.
Me: Mark Mothersbaugh?
Not-Me-Guy: I don't know his real name...but he called himself Devo.
Me: (oh no) Devo was a band.
Not-Me-Guy: Are you sure?
Me: (oh geez) Yes. Yes I'm sure.
Not-Me-Guy: Whatever. You still look like Devo.
Me: (two can play at this game) Oooo-kay. Has anyone ever told you that you look like Jethro Tull?
Not-Me-Guy: Who's he?
Me: (this isn't going to work) Nevermind.

According to this guy, I could change the following:
Q: Are We Not Men?
A: We are Devo!

Q: Am I not Tony?
A: I am Devo!

Sheesh...who's the real mongoloid?

So, according to my 'pal' I either look like Mark Mothersbaugh (the head Devo guy...probably who he meant) OR an amalgamation of all four members of Devo. Either choice distresses me and I am going to pretend this conversation never happened.


Tuesday, August 03, 2004

Common Mistake for the Neophyte Opera Fan
Richard Wagner Division

"Scuse me, clerkie; d'you happen to have LUNG NIBLETS on CD? Imma fan of tunes about cannibalistic midgets and a friend tol' me Dick Wagger's the composter for me."


Monday, August 02, 2004

Possible Reactions if you were to get an Ankh tattoo

"Fancy spoon ya got etched on yer nape, Tut."

"I surmise from the spyglass inked into you flesh that you, like I, are a member of the Arthur Conan Doyle Fan Appreciation Society. Care to do some 'toot' in his honor?"

"Izzat a Keith Herring dude on the back o' yer neck?"

"Heh. I think I'm gonna start callin' ya 'Sphinx-Turd' in light of yer tat."

"Who'd ya get to draw that pacifier on ya?"