Tuesday, November 30, 2004

An Evening at the Cinema: The Next Morning

"Had myself a box of Goobers when I was at the picture show last night. Didn't notice it at first but I had a bunch of chocolate under my nails. Shoo. So, what the hell do you think happens? I wake up the next morning and the damn dog is suckling my thumb. Talk about an awkward feeling...not BAD awkward, mind you, but...er...yeah. Good thing I didn't drop any in my shorts..."


Monday, November 29, 2004

Reminiscence leads to Dollar Signs

"He was the kind a fellow that wasn't afraid to wear sloganed drawers, you know what I'm saying? I had the pleasure of reading a few of 'em over the years--y'know, at the gym and what-not--and I gotta say that they always made me chuckle. Helluva lot more impressive than having monogrammed ones, in my opinion. I don't wanna know yer damn initials, I want to see something Declarative! Like, I dunno, Ed had a pair that read PEANUT BUTTER EXPRESS that always made the fellows blush (for some reason). Come to think of it, do they make Adult-Sized Underroos? Man, he woulda looked good as Aquaman. Say, there's a thought! With a couple o' Sharpies and a sack o' Looms I could start a money-making franchise! "


Saturday, November 27, 2004

So...I hear you were a fat kid?

"I moved like a tugboat through gravy."

TIP on his impeded mobility due to chuddley girthiness in the early years of his existence. Perhaps even slightly exaggerated for shits and giggles to the Turkey Day assembled family and friends


Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Quote of the Week: Advice Column Division



"I feel I'm badly proportioned. I wear four pairs of pants every day to make myself appear better proportioned. My legs and hips still look too thin for my body, but you can't tell that I'm wearing so many pants."

Sometimes you can't make shit like this up.


Tuesday, November 23, 2004

Words from the Less Wise

"Cleanliness is next to Godliness. Syphilis, on the other hand, isn't allowed to move into the neighborhood."

"Enormous girth mocks the hungry."

"Cower not before the taunts of children for ye can still best these striplings in games of Red Rover."

"Eat, Sleep, and be Merry...or, if you're so inclined, take a huge financial hit--surgically speaking--and be Mary, too."


Monday, November 22, 2004

A Charity I'm trying to Start Up


Did you know that 1 in 3 children worldwide have never eaten a potato? That's a damn shame. We here at TATERS FOR TOTS are going to change that. For a low low monthly donation we will deliver spuds (with your name carved into it) to the child/children you've opted to support. Let's spread the nutritiousness to all of mankind and help mash out tuberlessness.

(needs a lil' work, I know)

Saturday, November 20, 2004

When you're married to a Mathematician...

One should grow accustomed to the following exchanges:

Me: Are you interested in seeing the movie KINSEY?
Her: No. He was a poor statistician.

There you go; a succinct review of Liam Neeson's latest film based on the life and work of noted sexologist Alfred Kinsey.


You've been warned.

(rolling eyes)

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Rhetorical Question of the Day from a Conference I'm attending this Week

"How would you explain Viagra to your grandmother?"

Certainly an odd thing to throw out there considering that it's a financial aid administrators conference that I'm partaking in.


Monday, November 15, 2004

Weight Allowances for Video Games

From the link below:

Here are the stats for X-Men: Legends

Product-Specific Details:
SKN#: 228281
Product UID#: 3D07A722
Language: Bilingual
Manufacturer's Age: 15 years and up
Our recommended age: 15 years and up
Minimum Recommended Child's Weight: 138 pounds
Maximum Recommended Child's Weight: 200 pounds

Timmy: Mom! Can I play a video game?
Mother: Get on the scale.
Timmy: Awww.


Sunday, November 14, 2004

Not the Way to ask to Bum a Heater
a moment from last night's evening out

Obviously Drunk Fellow: Are you from India or Pakistan?
Me: No.
ODF: Oh. Y'know, with your beard and all...
Me: Ah.
ODF: So, uh, can I have one of your smokes?
Me: Sure.


Friday, November 12, 2004

If I were an Anthropomorphic Platypus

I'd have an easier time wearing a monocle; my duck bill would provide a perfect roost for this particular eyewear (and OH-SO swanky-looking). People would call me SIR Platypus, no doubt.

No one messes with a fellow with poison barbs on their legs, lemme tell ya. Flap that jaw or threaten my eggs and STING! Injected!!!

Speaking of eggs...I'd probably amuse myself by swapping my own with those at the supermarket. How'd that omelet taste, Mrs. Broomstein? Monotreme-y?

My broad tail would be a perfect kick -stand for when I felt the need to loiter and didn't want to get sore paws.

Who doesn't like caddisflies? I could eat them 24-7 if I were a platypus without ANYONE giving me the stink eye.

Dual Citizenship: Mammel AND reptile, bitch!


Thursday, November 11, 2004

Forename of the Week Winner



On Monday, the jury found Shoodley Cherichel guilty in the death of Tracey
A. Mastel of Farmington. He also was convicted of criminal vehicular operation
in connection with injuries to another passenger, Maria Aschan.

Sad story but I couldn't help but wonder what the etymology is on that 'un, eh?
Or what the hell his parents were thinking when he was christened with this moniker?
Perhaps the person filling out the birth certificate misheard them?

Parent One: What should we name him?
Parent Two: Uriah?
Parent One: Should we?
Person with the Pen: What's that? Shoodley?
Parent One and Two: What?
Person with the Pen: Shoodley it is.


Wednesday, November 10, 2004

TipTone Toys Historical Action Figure Accessories Pack Series One

Includes the following:

Kruschev's 'gavel' shoe
Trotsky's axe
Rasputin's pastry
Taft's vest/tarp
Gandhi's mustache comb

Guaranteed to pep up your play time with our popular line of famous folk figures.

Order now.

Look for Series Two coming soon and including some nifty accessories for Fidel Castro, James Garfield, Oscar Wilde and more!

Tuesday, November 09, 2004

Overheard at Work Today

"My grandmother won't wear her $500 shoes. They're prescription shoes--she has diabetes--and she won't wear them eventhough she has an ulcer or something on her foot. She also isn't supposed to wear pantyhose but does anyway. She told us to mind our own damn business."

It's times like these when I love my job. The students have such (kaff) interesting and colorful lives (and conversations about them, naturally).

A surly grandma that refuses to wear her medicinal shitkickers is an image in my head that I will always cherish.

Thank you, unknown student, for sharing the joy.


Monday, November 08, 2004

Rain Gutter Prospecting Results from the Weekend
Dredgin' and Pannin' "gold" just South o' the Eaves

Size 11(!) Converse Chuck Taylor All-Star (black) lacking laces with "Husker Du" scrawled in what appears to be White Out

One feltless tennis ball with a blackened fingernail(?) enbedded in it

Crumpled Andy Capp Sotted Flame Fries bag with three uneaten bits still intact ('flavorless' according to fellow prospector, Reginald 'Sauce Pond' Tulipper)

Either the moistened tail from a coonskin cap OR the jettisoned caudal appendage from an area squirrel

Cracked disc four (of five per the label) from The Complete Recordings of Frank Stallone (the track listings were rubbed out from apparent over-use/shame but one song title seemed to read 'The Vulgar Vulva's Fall from Grace')

Headless Precious Moments figurine entitled 'Quit Shittin' Yerself' from the Children of the Spastic Colon Special Edition

Pudding ('chocolate-y' according to aforementioned prospecting partner) filled gourd

25 pounds of sodden and mildly decomposing leaves

Four Starlings ('maggoty') tied together with a shoelace (possibly from Item #1?)

Boone's Farm Limited Edition Bottle o' Bravery ('saliva-y with a hint of lemon)

No Gold


Wednesday, November 03, 2004

Line of the Day: Not Related to the Election

"My cat thinks it's R. Kelly."

Now THAT, my friends, is hilarious...in a urine-soaked way, natch.



Tuesday, November 02, 2004

Election Day Lesson # One

'Heavy Voter Turn Out' doesn't mean that there's going to be an inordinate amount of fat folk showing up at the polls. I learned this this morning when I went to vote and witnessed all sorts of people of varying sizes and shapes waiting in line. I was mildly disappointed by this revelation.


Monday, November 01, 2004

One Musician's Opinion that Won't Sway my Vote
Zero/Laughable Credibility Division

From the November 11th issue of Rolling Stone:

"I am Counting Crows' bass player."

Strike One (followed by extended sniggering from your's truly).

"I believe you are cheating your readers by offering a one-sided argument regarding the upcoming election. George W. Bush is on of the greatest presidents in our country's history."

Strike Two (choked off chortling considering the source and to whom he's referring).

"After 9/11, he knew that America had to show the world that nobody should have tolerance for fanaticism and evil. You should present the facts with balance."

Strike Three (RIGHT!).

"Matt Malley, Sherman Oaks, CA"

Matt, my boy...go back to banging the groupies Adam Duritz passes on, kay?