Monday, March 28, 2005

Yo Ho Ho and a Whistle-Clean Bum

Consider this fusion of flavor; water-logged citrus fruit married to the distinct tang of a bevy of British Bathysphere Crewmen (say about 4 to 6 months into their tour of acquatic duties).

Feel your salivary glands activating?

Now, take this blockbuster taste and add it to your favorite bulk fiber laxative.

Feel your bowels pining for release/relief?

Our technicians and lab monkeys heard your clamoring and have come up with the latest and greatest of our long line of Metamucil-y knock-off products.

Look for Sub Lime at your area pharmacies.


Wednesday, March 23, 2005


I've noticed that the press keeps mentioning the musical tastes of the punkass that recently went on a shooting spree at a school on the Red Lake reservation (Marilyn Manson in this case). In fact, this seems to only happen when younglings are involved in some criminal act; as if the music they prefer is a foreshadowing of their impending acts of evil. If that were the case (and I certainly do not believe for one minute that music influences these nut bags to go on, say, murderous rampages...these kids already have something wrong with them and don't need the 'assist' as it were) then, dammit, I want all future crime reporting to contain the favorite bands/recording artists of each and every criminal/alleged criminal broadcast. It'd be interesting to see something along the lines of:

'Area Man Charged in Lobster Shack Heist, loved Anne Murray and Rammstein'

'Noted Crime Boss and T'pau enthusiast, Fredrick Tinderlobes, found Impaled on Decorative Lawn Fork'

'Edwin Chudwisk, reknowned Kingpin of the Southside Sausage Banditos, arrested peacefully at his home in connection with Weiner-Laundering Plot; arriving at the scene, police took note to the haunting strains of Phil Collins' NO JACKET REQUIRED playing over PA system.'

'Titty Twister spree at local Bingo Hall instigated by Elderly Gary Glitter afficianado'



Wednesday, March 16, 2005

Come Again?

"Yer the kinda fella that can eat Marshmellow Peeps and shit out Ninjas."


Tuesday, March 15, 2005

A Recent Encounter at an area Walgreen's as I was looking for Shoelaces

Roughed Up Looking Fellow (approaches your's truly): I went to school with you.

Me (startled by this unexpected announcement AND his face-as-speed-bag appearance): Hunh? (peering at recognition...could be due to his minor facial injuries) What school?

RULF: C___.

Me (still nothing coming up on my mental rolodex): What year?

RULF: 87.

Me: Hmm. I was 88.

RULF: Name's L____ (last name censored to protect the innocent and my future well-being...but it's a type of gun).

Me: Hmm. I'm more of a baretta man, myself.

RULF: That's my last name.

Me (I knew that and having always disliked this guy back in the day feigned ignorance in homage to his own innate ignorance...a kind of flattery-meets-slander all wrapped up in one lil' neat package): Tony.

RULF: Ultimate Fighting.

Me (realizing that he thinks that I'm staring at his obvious facial injuries AND chipped-in-half-sideways front tooth...which I was...hell, you could even say I was Marvelling at he was identifying WHERE they came from and not, say, a rough encounter with a rogue rake or having been on the receiving end of a riled up, boxing glove wearing kangaroo): Ah. Wow. Neat.

RULF: Thanks. Catch ya later (departs store).

Me (internally): Whew.

(oh...and I overheard his exchange with a store clerk, too. He was looking to buy some butane for some reason but I--if given the chance--would have recommended that he instead maybe grab some bactine and other assorted healing balms...but who am I to tell Welt-Boy what he should spend his hard-earned ching on? Certainly I'm not the Mickey to his Rockey Balboa. I'd have thrown the towel in sooner)

Thursday, March 10, 2005

Quote of the Day: Work-Related

"Can you see a student that's registered for classes for Spring Quarter? She's in labor."

Another day in the life of a Financial Aid Administrator.


Tuesday, March 08, 2005

Creative (yet lame) excuse for buying a Station Wagon

"I happen to run a mobile lard rendering company and the Wagon has the bonus combination of more than adequate cargo space for my travelling vats AND pretty decent gas mileage."


Monday, March 07, 2005

An Example of when to question the veracity of statements made about Snack Food Creators

"Man O man, you'll be getting more action than the fellow that gave the world the deliciousness that are Frito's. Maybe not as much as the Fiddle Faddle brothers--cuz they got ALL the tail-- nor the variety and magnitude of the sexual exploits of Jorge Dorito, but you'll do okay for yourself. Let's say it'll be somewhere 'twixt the Frito guy and the Doo Dad family just to be safe. The Funyon Brothers and Tobias Pringle don't even warrant mention according to my research into their sexcapades; the former were castrati and the latter died before his snack food was marketed...some sort of fatal 'spud' mishap in his kitchen lab."


Friday, March 04, 2005

Recent Celebrity 'Collectibles' and the Winning Bids from an On-Line Auction Site

Repo'd patella of Liza Minelli: $352.43

Bagpipe (with hidden booze pouch in the squeeze bag and a bass drone that doubles as a flagon) once leased to James Doohan for a weekend at the Omaha Howard Johnson's: $1024.00

Bedazzled (spelling out the phrase 'Smell the Beard') denim overalls from the Victor French (of Little House on the Prairie and Highway to Heaven fame) Collection: $3.25

5th Edition of Roget's Thesaurus from the set of Life Goes On: $40,000.00

Ernest Hemingway's Ivory Shoe Horn (African Safari expedition of 1952) with Certificate of Authenticity signed by one 'Bwana Bobba-Loo:' $786.57

Telly Savalas autographed Tootsie Pop wrapper and 'de-Tootsie-Popped' stick (gnawed): $1.00

Packet of Spanish Fly (Nightshade-flavored) retrieved from the estate of Claude Rains: $14.50

Official Waterworld Crew Member rain poncho (with crushed Dixie Cup in one pocket still smelling faintly of Mr. Pibb): $66.77

Unbroken Pinata in the shape of Arthur Fonzarelli: $81.00

Plaster Casting of Leonard Bernstein's penis (with 'Orchestrate This, Baton-Boy' etched along the surface): $500,000.00

Hubcap-turned-belt-buckle with mini-LED display (batteries not included) worn on-stage by Charlie Daniels during his 'Gravy Gulch Marauders on the Trail of the Masked Ladler' tour: $3.99

Stunt wheelchair from the set of Ironsides (equipped with spiked hubs and nitro tank): $3210.00

Photograph of Raputin's penis resting on a bed of Iceberg Lettuce: $97.00


Wednesday, March 02, 2005


When a man loves pork sandwiches and a woman who allegedly loves the man (and whom the man loved in return) thinks that the man loves the pork sandwiches too much (and eats them with a frequency that would concern even the Federal Pork Council in the woman's opinion), said woman plots a way in which to teach the man a lesson; a lesson that will lessen his pork sandwich consumption.

One day the woman, as she had almost daily for the last 15 years, was preparing the man's pork sandwich and finally decided that this would be the day to hatch her diabolical plot to end the man's unsatiated desire for pork sandwiches (in the woman's mind it could not be that healthy to be consuming that much pork and it was putting a strain on the man and the woman's finances and love life). In lieu of using the oven to cook the raw pork, the woman instead 'cooked' the meat by placing it in proximity of a plugged in waffle iron (as the man learned at a later date). Not on it, near it (perhaps even as close to it as the wingspan of your common titmouse) for approximately 2 minutes (a time that any pork preparer will tell you is wholly inaquate) and, after loading the pork onto the bread, brought it to the man (who was at the time sitting in his recliner and enjoying a rerun of Hello, Larry). The woman was secretly delighted to see the man chug-a-lunch the pork sandwich in seconds flat. The woman's ploy was afoot.

Several months passed before the man noted that something was not quite right with him physically; it might have been the severe cramps, unceasing diarrhea, and strange segmented chunks in his stool that alerted the man to his predicament. A trip to the doctor's office was followed by days of stool collecting for the doctor to examine. It was soon discovered that the man had a fifty foot tapeworm living in his digestive track. The undercooked pork contained little 'demons' that had invaded the man's intestines and had erected a tubular worm-like segmented 'factory' for the sole purpose of filching the man's digesting meals (like the very pork from which they sprung). The man easily deduced that the woman was behind his condition amd became quite irate with her. The man than moved into a room at the motor lodge.

And that is why daddy doesn't live with mommy anymore, Jeremy.