Thursday, August 31, 2006

Conversations I will Soon Have with my Neighbors: Part Four

"...and you're right; my dog's scat does look a bit like chocolate. He must have a sad tummy right now. Do you like chocolate? A lot of co-workers do too...maybe even TOO much. There was this one time that some prankster at the office--maybe even a member of the evening cleaning crew--replaced ALL of the chocolate treats in this one lady's candy bowl with gravy. She gets to the office the next day, doesn't even notice the fluid in the bowl, and, later in the morning, reaches for her first (of many) piece of the day. My, my, my...the screaming! The whole office heard her her initial yelp of WHY DOES MY FIST SMELL LIKE BEEF?!? Ha ha ha. A witty fellow passing by her cubicle suggested that she must have helped birth a calf before work and another guy made mention that the WHOLE office had been wondering about her oddly odiferous paw for YEARS! Ha ha ha. Speaking of which, you wouldn't mind helping me pick up my pup's puddle would ya? I don't seem to have a poo sack on me."


Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Conversations I will Soon Have with my Neighbors: Part Three

"Cleaning out your gutters, eh? Yeah, I hate those Helicoptory Thingamajigs, too. Say, I couldn't help hearing you hitting your downspout with the ladder when you almost fell down and, if I may say, you got a really nice tone out of it. The reason I bring this up is that a couple of fellows from my Coffee Klatch and I are pondering putting a Blue Man Group type band together and, considering your recently displayed knack for striking a metal tube, I think you might be a welcome addition. No one's ever mentioned your innate sense of rhythm? Weird. How do you look in make-up; specifically, how do you look in full-on Indigo face make-up? What? Oh, come on! You never played Alien or Drag Queen or Tammy Faye Bakker growing up? I sure as Hell did. Quite liberating. And, thanks to it and an unhealthy obsession with E.T. The Extra-Terrestrial, I even discovered I have a Trick Neck...oh, that and that my finger and chest won't glow on their own unless I set them on fire..."


Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Conversations I will Soon Have with my Neighbors: Part Two

"D'you know that Yule Logs were originally called YUL (no letter E at the end) LOGS and were named after Yul Brynner's schlong? It's a little embarrassing to admit how I learned're my neighbor and all...I can trust ya, right? See, when my mother was very young she was a HUGE fan of Yul in the movie WESTWORLD. Huge Fan. So much so she wrote a fan letter to him inquiring if--and don't laugh...she was REALLY young and didn't know any better-- if he had a robotic penis since he was Obviously an android in the film. Turns out that Yul got a LOT of similar inquiries about this and, due to this deluge of questioning correspondences, mass produced casts of his ding-dong and called them, yep, Yul Logs. Pretty neat, eh? Betcha didn't know that! Changes the whole meaning behind the Yul-tide, eh?"


Monday, August 28, 2006

Conversations I will Soon Have with my Neighbors: Part One

It has recently come to my attention that the people that live in my neighborhood don't think I'm very friendly; namely, they've noted I don't:

Wave at them when I go by in my car or on foot with the dog


Y'know...the Whole ACKNOWLEDGE THEIR EXISTENCE kinda thing.

THUS, I am going to spend this Week at TIPTONE PRESENTS test running some Chitty-Chattery-Chit-Chat that I will subsequently Spring upon these Whining Bastards the next time I encounter one in Wilds of my 'Hood. And it ain't going to be any of that horridly inane and achingly mundane shit involving the Weather or the State of our Respective Lawns/Shrubberies/Chinchilla Rescue Service.

"Hey, dog here--he's something like 60 pounds or so-- he likes to sleep on my chest, perpendicular to my sternum. Not parallel, mind you...that'd be kinda...weird? Yeah. The REAL strange thing 'bout it is that it often reminds me of this time I had a water-soddened sack of flour strapped to my chest and tossed into a vat of fudge...this was during my time as an Extreme Sports Participant...they called the Event THE ANGRY BAKER'S PAYBACK. I took third but smelled like a Keebler Elf for three weeks afterwards."


Friday, August 25, 2006

While it is true that John Madden's Turducken IS a duck stuffed into a turkey, it is NOT true that he has nicknamed his colon "The Dining Hall" for said fowl/foul feast.

My apologies to those I mislead with this Lil' White Lie.


Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Espied this Morning in the Parking Lot of an area Gas Station/Superette

Middle-aged caucasian gentleman (bristley pate with the slightest sheen of sweat and/or morning dew)

Sleeveless Flannel shirt (appeared to not have been purchased that way...strong possibility that the former sleeves were forcibly removed in a brawl OR intentionally for some sort of 'fashion statement' of the Good-Ole-Boy-Lookee-Me-Guns type) and, not so oddly enough, cut-off denim shorts (could it be that this attire is from an Adult Garanimals line of clothing I am completely unaware of--like he matched his Monkeys this morning-- or did/does this fellow have a phobia about having his extremities covered?)

Astride the hood of a late model Chevy Celebrity (red 4-door) in a manner that some might (and I will) call Lascivious

Beside him rested three peeled bananas (yes, Peeled AND actually ON the hood of the car and not, say, a napkin or maybe even one of his discared sleeves) each of which were pointing in three of the four Cardinal Directions (North, South, and West)

I took all of this in while entering the Gas Station/Superette to fetch my morning coffee. While checking out I noted that the shop was having a 3 Bananas for a Dollar Special (a 'deal' I did not partake in unlike the aforementioned gentleman obviously). I was in and out within 5 or so minutes and the guy was STILL sitting on the hood of his car and had not yet made any move towards his (I'm guessing) breakfast.

He was still there when I left; as motionless as the bared fruit upon his car's bonnet.

Was the banana placement a strange offering to the Urban Gods of Produce?

Considering his Lecherous posturing, perhaps some cryptic reference to his barely swaddled wing-ding?

Was he warming the bananas via a combination of the morning Sun and the ambient heat emitted from his engine block?

If anyone wants to speculate on what the hell this was all about I am all ears...hell--speaking of ears-- maybe I'll even shuck some corn tomorrow morning and follow this guy's lead.


Wednesday, August 16, 2006

Today's Prevarication

I convinced someone that I went to school with a fellow that was recently arrested for assaulting a shoeshine guy after said shammy-artist got too much spit on his shoelaces.


Whilst my Mind Unwinds...enjoy!

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Monday, August 14, 2006

Today's Prevarication

That's almost as bad as something that happened to a friend of mine when he went to see the Grand Canyon. At some point he decided to rent a mule and ride it to the Canyon floor. During his descent he was then STRUCK by a Falling Mule (not his own).

And, yes, the above was believed.



Friday, August 11, 2006

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Tuesday, August 08, 2006

Another Comic-Related Posting

Whilst preparing a list of comics I was missing for my attending the Wizard World Chicago Convention, I stumbled upon my copies of Walt Simonson's amazing run on Marvel's THE MIGHTY THOR. This kicked my Recollection Brain Sector in the Beans and reminded me that my Little (heh...not really LITTLE...I was a tuddley Nerdly Bastard back then) 14 year old self had had a Fan Letter printed in the Letters Page in one of those very issues. After paging through a few I located it. It is my pleasure to present to you a scan of the letter.

The letter itself is in response to this issue:

And appeared in this issue:

Here's the full page:
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If you look on the left hand side of the page (in the middle) you'll see:
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Ah, look what Beta Ray Bill made me do back in 1984.



Monday, August 07, 2006

Zappa Reference Uncovered?

Plook: A term I first encountered whilst listening to the song "Dong Work for Yuda" from Frank Zappa's JOE'S GARAGE

This is exciting
I never plooked
A tiny chrome-plated machine
That looks like a magical pig
With marital aids stuck all over it
Such as yourself before

You'll love it!
Its a way of life.

Does that mean maybe later
You'll plook me....

This weekend I attended the Wizard World Chicago Comic Convention. One of the things I had planned for the Con was to look for cheap copies of comics that I once owned but have been lost/stolen/given to the Goodwill/Salvation-Army-without-my-permission-by-parents-who-shall-remain-nameless ( was really the latter but I was trying to 'soften' the blow). One of my all-time favorite series from when I was a lad was The much so that I would often call the local comic shop (the long gone but not forgotten Saint Paul Comics) weekly to see if a new issue had come out (my young self had not yet grasped the concept of a MONTHLY title).

As luck would have it I uncovered a stash of 18 issues for 75 cents a pop ranging between issues 151 and 202 (which happen to cover my favorite period of Avengers issues...mildly biased as the first issue I ever picked up new was issue 158). Later in the day I randomly grabbed an issue (#201) and flipped it open. To my absolute delight--in an almost Synchronicity Kinda Moment--I came upon the following panel:

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Is it possible that the Sound Effect utilized to denote the noise a Cantaloupe being Smashed into the Face of Jarvis (the resident butler at Avengers Mansion) was a Nod to Zappa via the writer of the Issue (namely David Michelinie) or purely a coincidence? JOE'S GARAGE was released in 1979 and Issue 201 of The Avengers has a cover date of November 1980.

I'd like to think that, in fact, it is.


Tuesday, August 01, 2006

'Round the Water Cooler: Avoiding Mel Chatter Division

There's been (and will continue to be) a LOT of talk about Mel Gibson thanks to his DWI arrest and ensuing Anti-Semitic tirade. If you're like me and don't care to get Drawn into a Discussion about said topic with your fellow co-workers, I suggest interjecting the following statement into the proceedings as soon as you suspect you're being drawn into this particular Conversation Vortex:

"Gary Busey should ask for a rematch on the moistened lawn."

It has been my experience (over the last 3 days) that utlilizing this will extricate you from 99% of any potential Mel Gibson-related Gabfests as most folk will have no clue what you're talking about (either due to the fact they do not recall the final confrontation between "Mr. Joshua" and "Riggs" from the first LETHAL WEAPON or they are completely put off by the very Out-of-Left-Field nature of the statement).
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You're welcome.

(Braveheart references should be avoided at all costs)