Friday, June 27, 2003

Work Berzerk

It was one of those days on the job ('pushing that broom around for a buck-two-Ninety-eight an hour' to cop a line from a Zappa intro to a live version of his tune, Dirty Love) when each and every time I left my desk (situated, as it is, in a lovely modern 'veal-fattening pen') I ran into the same co-worker heading the *same* way as me. Like he's following me around...

Stalking me.

He: Predator
Me: Prey

Seemingly our respective needs for nicotine replenishment, urinary dispersion, java-mug topping offs and the like were all keyed into the same freaking 'wave-length' or some-such friggin' nonsense on this particular day.

The sixth time I ran into him was outside (which was the *second* time I saw him out there) amongst the other 'Behind-the-College-Cig-Fiends.'

The synchronicity of our movements that day were *too* coincidental for me and I finally addressed him with the following question:

"What are you? My personal Evil Otto?"

You guessed it...he got the reference to the video game, Berzerk.


Saturday, June 21, 2003

Harry Potter

So I've read about the hype surrounding the release of the latest in the Harry Potter books and it has left me scratching my head whilst still being encouraged that there are a LOT of kids out there ecstatic to Read said tome.

But why is it that I've been put off to Reading them; flying in the face of the numerous Friends that have insisted that I 'have to read them.' That I 'will love them.'???

It took some pondering but I think I have gotten to the root of my Potter-phobia.

It has to do with the long-since-off-the-air-yet-eternally-in-syndication television program M.A.S.H.

Harry Morgan joined the cast after HELLO LARRY left the series.

Harry Morgan portrayed a character by the name of 'Sherman Potter.'

I combined the two names...Harry Morgan/Sherman Potter= Harry Potter.

To this day I cannot think of Rowling's character 'Harry Potter' and *not* think of an aged man, formerly the sidekick to Joe Friday on TV's Dragnet, astride a broomstick and dispensing frequent declarations of "HORSE PUCKY!!!"

For whatever reason this is *very* off-putting.

I blame the fact that I was dropped often as a child (and was not well-versed in the Arcane Arts).


Friday, June 20, 2003

Odd Moments at Work...of recent vintage

A student named 'See' with crossed eyes.
Hmm...foreshadowing by her parents or something else?

I have a lazy eye and shudder to think how my folks might have christened me if *it* had been more readily apparent to their questionably unreliable vision (I'm also glad that they didn't christen me with a bottle across the prow...but *that* nautical digression may be for another time...or not).

Another student- a Veteran of the Gulf War- in response to my inquiry if he was going to be receiving Veteran's Assistance whilst attending school (let's call him Corporal Shirt...which you'll understand in a moment):

Corporal Shirt: Y'see...Bill Clinton screwed me outta those benefits (actually LIFTS his shirt up to reveal a huge scar on his gullet...seemingly a large puncture wound healed looked like he had lost an Amateur Joust at a Ren-Fest).

Me (pause): Uhm...the former President stabbed you in the chest?

CS: NO! But he screwed me!

Me (not following up with the obvious 'ha-ha' question): So...erm...the answer's NO, eh?

Ahhh...another fine day in Higher Education.

Tuesday, June 10, 2003

Soul Patch as Homage to Frank Zappa

Realizing that I could never handle(bar) the Mustachio and Soul Patch Pair that Zappa so Proudly sported throughout most of his life I decided that I might be able to get away with just the latter of the two (as a fitting facial memorial to the man and his musique).

Little did I know that I would spend an exorbitant amount of time responding to one question again and again (now that it has grown in nicely):

My Inner-Sasquatch is *not* trying to get out through my Face, THANK YOU very much!


Saturday, June 07, 2003

People always ask-- when a panhandler requests money from me-- why I always hand them a new stick of lip balm instead of loose ching or a spare bone. The answer is really quite simple;

Have YOU ever drank Lysol over crack and chapped lips?

Suzie Chapstick would be proud that Earl 'The Ladle' Tickledish (lives in the shadow of the Cathedral) and his compatriots have the soft and luscious lippage necessary for their daily inebriation rituals.

Just doing my part and paving my way to the Pearly Gates.