Wednesday, August 31, 2005

LPHOLG: Borgnine as Support System

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Some cowpokes out there seem to be under the mistaken notion that Ernest Borgnine was Jan-Michael Vincent's 'flying buttress' what with all JMV's addiction probs and all...which is kinda funny when you consider they wuz on a show called AIRWOLF together (it was some sorta super-copter or something...wouldn't be shit against Galactica's Vipers, lemmetellya) and, heh, ol' Ernie had a bit of a weight problem...get it? Flying BUTTress? Feh. You fuckers wouldn't know humor if it came up to you in a Cylon costume and a ten-gallon hat and challenged you to a gunfight at High effin' Noon.

Tuesday, August 30, 2005

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I was awfully flattered when David Coverdale asked me if I wanted to star in his video for Here I Go Again but, wouldn't ya know my luck wouldn't hold out, when he caught wind that I wasn't lithe enough to straddle the hood of a car and I lost out to that Kitaen Dame...bitch.

Monday, August 29, 2005

Little Plastic Head of Lorne Green: Grub Massage

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I've got it from a pert-near certified authority on the subject (my cook, Hop Sing) that there are certain folk out there in the great wide world that, if one finds the right combination of rubs on there hindends, they'll dispense foodstuffs akin to them popular snacks, Corn Nuts...even in a variety of flavors. A rugged swirl of the right cheek will getcha BBQ, a tweak of the taint will bequeath ya Ranch-flavored 'uns. Not certain if a mixture of these moves will create a blend or not but, heh, I does have me a visit to the Sweat Lodge comin' up in a fortnight...

Thursday, August 25, 2005

Herve Busts a Move

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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

Little Plastic Head of Lorne Green: Fashion Cop

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The wrong answer to the question 'How often have you worn a vest without a shirt?' is 'More than Once.'

Friday, August 19, 2005

Tycho Brahe Presents

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Hate to hijack this blog and all, but there's a little something that's been bugging me that I need to get off my chest (face?); namely Michael Jackson and his freakin' nose. Look at me. Take a good hard look. Note the nose. See? Faux-proboscis, kids...made of metal, to boot. As it turns out, this so-called KING OF POP has been stealing my fake nose thunder over the last couple decades and, believe me, don't think it doesn't irk me even IF I've been dead since 1601. Don't matter to us Danes how long we've been dirt sirree...I caught a sniff of this and it's finally time to come forward to voice my displeasure. T'ain't even an Homage to my Metallic Sniffer if the bastard don't even acknowledge it! Would it hurt him to, say, compose a tune or two about how *I* was the inspiration for his snout replacement? Something like, I dunno, BEAK IT, dammit. Mark my snoot, my heirs are going to be in contact with Him AND his crafty rhinoplastisist or my name ain't Tycho FUCKING Brahe.


Thursday, August 18, 2005

Little Plastic Head of Lorne Green's FYI

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Anyone ever offers you a saucer of Campbell's Cream of Pantaloons soup be warned...that shit ain't actually from Campbell's...

Tuesday, August 16, 2005

Little Plastic Head of Lorne Greene: Confession

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Before I kacked off this mortal coil I enjoyed a good roll in the space rucksack to the Best of Foghat (SLOW RIDE, indeed, boys...SLOW RIDE, indeed. And that ain't as weird as Landon...he preferred plooking to Information Society. I 'spect the Nimoy sample really got his boys swimming. See, a lil' Foghat woulda kept his phaser set to Numb, if you catch my jargon.

Friday, August 12, 2005

What the World Needs Now: CB Skulls

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Red Sovine would have had a field day if this technology had arrived prior to his death and would have surely encouraged a sequel to his hit TEDDY BEAR...only this time the little bastard's some sort of friggin' THAT what CB stands for? CyBorg?!? What's really going on with them truckers?!? T

Thursday, August 11, 2005

Litte Plastic Head of Lorne Greene IV

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Martha Stewart would shit her jodhpurs if'n she ever caught a sniff of the multiple uses I've come across for upside down plungers stabbed handle first into the earth; bird bath, ashtray, candy dish, Holy Water fount for an impromptu Billy Graham-esque neighborhood Crusade, and so on. Ka-Ching!!!

Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Little Plastic Head of Lorne Greene: Part Three

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I don't think it's askin' too much to NOT have music playing in the damn restrooms, is it? Fuck me, Stardoe, but if I ever pass a log to the freakin' strains of Simply Red's Holding Back the Mother-Scratching Years again someone in Management's going to get a nasty Knuckle Memo!!! T

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Little Plastic Head of Lorne Green Speaks Again

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"Would it hurt the damn waitress to wrap my leftover sirloin in something other than a damn tinfoil goose or duck or vulture or whatever the fuck origami fowl they're 'posed to be? Oh, sure, if you're some mamby pamby fruitus brutus or some such nonsense, you could care less loping out of the restaurant carrying that...hell, have the bird clutching a flippin' flower in its webbed tootsies, why dontcha? And a'd like that, eh? But I'm a MAN'S MAN and I deMANd my tinfoil animals full of leftovers to be MANly, ya get it? So next damn time I better get a damn Grizzly or, better yet, an orangutan holding a Winchester or I'll sic the zombified corpse of Hoss on ya!!!"


Monday, August 08, 2005

The Little Plastic Head of Lorne Greene Speaks...

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but makes little to no sense:

"Take it from me, if you can't put a saddle on it or fry it with a laser pistol than tain't worth hemmin' n' hawin' 'bout. Hell, even after doin' both with 'em, that damn Muffit's cooter kind a 'minded me o' Hoss, something fierce...fierce with a burnin' a damn Nova 'rupted cross the event horizon of my own personal like Black Hole, called me 'Cart-Right-but-oh-so-Wrong' and passed out facedown on the space cot. Akin to that time I 'body-surfed' the husk of Lil' Joe cross the Horsehead Neb'la after his Viper's thruster went kerflooey on the G'lactica's flight deck..."

Friday, August 05, 2005

What we have here is a failure to communi...commun

Fellow 1: "Filled my Stretch full of Jello Gelatin."

Fellow 2: "Limo?"

Fellow 1: "No, Armstrong."
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Thursday, August 04, 2005

Third Posting for the Day: A Smattering of Comments I've Made Today On-line (taken completely out-of-context in order to amuse/frighten you)

Don't worry...they aren't even worthy to be post-concert fluffers for Foghat.

Oh...c'mon...he's the same kinda cute as Harry Monster or Goriddle Gorilla. you've got the inside track on the sexual tendencies of Muppets, do you?

Marlin Perkins would be...pleased (and/or pleasured).

Better the Log Flume than a my old man used to mutter.

Does Jones Soda taste like pureed Short Round?

You could always buy a slew of Pine Tree Car fresheners and epoxy them to the backs of those with prominent stinklines.

DMV 'cheese sticks' can usually be harvested from the nethers of some of their employees...but I don't recommend it.

In a pinch, a stack of Devil Dinosaur comics (or Moonboy's Delight as the locals call 'em) can stave of the hunger pangs until proper nourishment can be acquired.

HeyZeus Crisco!!!

Marlin Perkins LIED TO ME!!!

(sad, idn't)

TV Character Showdown One: Mel versus Boss Hogg

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Here's the responses I've amassed on what would have been one mighty knuckle-dusting...if they both weren't dead, that is:

Mike D: Straight fight? Mel.

McAfee: Mel would own that fat turd

Matt T.: Mel would slap Vera around until she was wound up --arms flailing, nails clawing, spittle flying-- and throw her onto Hogg, shredding his hat, cigar and suit like a rabid cat in a cuisinart., leaving him standing scratched and bruised in his Dixie flag boxers.

Kensington: Mel would stab that little turd right through the heart with a wooden spoon. The blunt round end first. Mike D. again: Remember. Mel was an army vet. While Boss Hogg was sitting at home with a deferrment snorting lines of barbeque sauce off the naked asses of strippers, Mel was killing an entire battilion of Japanese soldiers on Iwo Jima using nothing but the rusted metal lid of a can of Dinty Moore.

Steve Z.: Mel. One spatula thwack to the head and Hogg is worm food.


So, Mel it is.



A Question that should Remain Purely Rhetorical for--if answered--it would surely lead to strained relations betwixt two Fine Nations: Personal Fitness and Headwear Division

WARNING: The Question in Question (heh) was actually Uttered by a certain Blogger who shall remain nameless!!!

"Do you think it'd be hard to do sit-ups while wearing a sombrero?"


Wednesday, August 03, 2005

One of the Finest Sentence Tag Teams I've ever had the Pleasure of Reading in a non-Spam E-Mail

"I'm having surgery on my mouth and my hernia. I'm not allowed to even carry my backpack."


Tuesday, August 02, 2005

I saw Santa running over 60 MPH!!!

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