Friday, September 29, 2006

Today's Entry in YOUR CLAIM TO FAME

At a meeting recently, each attendee was asked to stand and tell the assembled folk their very own Claim to Fame. It could be work-related or something personal. Here's mine:

"I'm certain that I am the only person in the entire state of Minnesota that owns (and it still fits) an URBAN DANCE SQUAD shirt from the tour they were opening for Living Color back in the day. Uhm, no, I wasn't an actual member and, NO, I can't dance. I can bounce...well...I used to be able to bounce. My ankles are shot these days...and I used to be heavier. No, not "Heavy" like a Hippie might say, "Heavy" like a landbound Manatee, y'see. No, Manatees don't have ankles. Fine, my FLIPPERS are shot these days. No, Chumly was a walrus on TENNESSEE TUXEDO. How do I know this? He said so on the show. No, not all animated odobenids are liars. Why would you say that? Yes, odobenids is polysyllabic. No, Polysyllables are not related to Odobenids and are most certainly NOT aquatic...I HAVE A OBSCURE BAND'S T-SHIRT, OKAY?!?"

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting


Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Ask Dr. Dream

Dear Dr. Dream,

The other evening I had a dream that involved me soaking in a steaming bath tub...only the multiple faucets encircling this large basin were are molded in the shape of the head of Mama Cass and, even though this WAS a dream, I could swear the fluid gushing forth from each of them smelled like swine. Hot Boiled Ham Water. I was 'luxuriating' in Hot Boiled Ham Water and didn't have a care in the world. Little Metal Mama Cass Heads were Expectoring Ham Water all over me and I was up to my neck in it AND DIDN'T SEEM TO CARE!!! What could this mean?

The Un-Sty Guy

Dear USG,

Yer MA used tah boil the pork sausages for ya, right? I mean, what else could that shit mean? Them maternal culinary missteps from your youth are coming backs tah haunts ya, man. That's gotta be it. Hundreds 'pon hundreds of intestinely encased lil' piglets sating your tuddley appetite. You should see someone about this. If not soon you may find yourself dreamin' 'bout being clad in a mummu and riding an amphibious pig 'cross the River Styx or sumpin'. And we ALL know what that means, don't we? That's right; a career in Gas Station Weiner Roller Heating Mechanism Repair...jez like my back water (non-Ham) cousin, Squiggley.


Monday, September 25, 2006

I Heard a Rumor/Rumour...

I may or may not have made up the following:

In order to ensure future Top Ten success after their tune CONGA hit the charts in 1985, Gloria Estefan and the other members of Miami Sound Machine--prior to recording future tunes--would grind up and snort/inject actual vinyl copies of said single. It has also been rumored for decades that their percussion roadie had his eye lids replaced with tiny gilded castanets.


Tuesday, September 19, 2006

Behind the doors of Wayne Manor

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

Tuesday, September 12, 2006

The Soundtracks of Your Life: Part One

I was graced with a bit of overheard 'wisdom' today when the following exchange took place between two cow-orkers (within earshot of moi, natch):

Woman: There is nothing better than listening to CCR when you're Barbequeing.

Man: I know, I know. AND I think Van Morrison's MOONDANCE is best heard when cleaning your house or apartment.

Woman: Oh my God! You're absolutely right!

Heh. CCR (Creedence Clearwater Revival for those not in the know) appropos of BBQs, eh?

Anyhoo, I won't get into how I strongly disagree with these opinions (CCR provides a better aural environment for wringing out fen-soaked flannel--just ask John Fogerty--and early Van Morrison is best suited for the seduction of the lasses leaning heavily Celtic-ward; the latter Van recordings for those that prefer ham sandwiches in bed whilst clad solely in a porkpie hat) but they DID give me an idea for a lil' bit of scribbling here at TIPTONE PRESENTS.

Thus, I will now randomly select several recordings from the vast TIPTONE audio library and, a la Carson's Karnack, place said record/CD next to my temple, and divine the very best activity to engage in whilst experiencing the music recorded therein.

Jeff Buckley's GRACE
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
A bubble bath or a long soak in a creek...maybe even a squirt gun fight amongst friends and family...preferably clothed.

David Bowie's LOW
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Riding in back of an El Camino imbibing voraciously from an uncorked jug of freshly distilled generic mouthwash.

The Wallets' BODY TALK
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Apprenticing at a Vintage Accordian, Squeeze Box, and Concertina reclamation/restoration/reconditioning shop under the patient eye and guidance of a fellow named Hans Gruntz.

Klaus Nomi's SIMPLE MAN
Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
Erecting Lego flying buttresses around your obviously distressed third-hand couch (or 'divan' as your snooty great-aunt calls it).

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting
A game of Limbo using a llama spine in place of a stick...a great icebreaker at showers and mixers.

More to come tomorrow.


Friday, September 08, 2006

Speaking of 'Staches

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

The television program THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN was one of my favorite shows back in the 70s (it ran from 73-78 and then for a long long time as reruns in syndication). I've often (of late) pined for its release on DVD so I could experience the show anew as an adult (especially the Steve Versus Sasquatch eps). Said wishes often leads me to scour the Internet for any nugget of news about an impending release. Yesterday, a search led me to the entry on Wikipedia about THE SIX MILLION DOLLAR MAN. It was there that I gleaned a lil' bit of trivia that I now will share with you (but will leave my opinion of the following unstated...for now):

Near the end of the series, Lee Majors experimented with changing Austin's look by growing a mustache. This proved unpopular and the idea was dropped, but not before a number of commercial tie-ins, including a comic book and a lunch box, had been produced with the new look. It was rumored that Majors would often roam the set and ask if anyone wanted to "take a sniff of Farrah".


Friday, September 01, 2006

Conversations I will Soon Have with my Neighbors: Part Five

"Listening to the local Classic Rock Station while working on your car, eh? You're a fan of the oldies I take it? Cool. Say, there's been something on my mind about Pink Floyd's song MONEY from their DARK SIDE OF THE MOON record; do you mind if I run it by you and see whatcha think? You're familiar with the song? Cool. Okay, one of the lines--and I hope I heard it right--is Grab That Cash with Both Hands and Make a Stash, right? I did get it right? Cool. Okay, I think they're pulling a fast one on their fans and general listening public with this song and, really, the entire album. No, really...wait...don't shake your head just yet...listen to me. Okay, the STASH in the line I quoted isn't actually STASH but 'STACHE (short for Mustache). And what would be the opposite of the Dark Side of the Moon if, say, MOON is a reference to your buttocks? That's right...your FACE. And what might DARKEN your FACE? A mustache. Back when it was released in 1973 Roger Waters was cryptically calling for a Mustache Revolution from the masses...and I think he succeeded. How might one explain the popularity of Burt Reynolds in the mid to late 70s, hmm? Hey, where'd you go? Harrumph, must be a 'Stachist."