Tuesday, February 28, 2006

Mark your Calenders (Sometimes I don't have to Make Shit Up Division)

Bolludagur or "Buns Day" (March 3)

"Iceland celebrates two holidays in February that seem to revolve simply around the consumption of delicious foods with guiltless abandonment. Two days before Lent is known as Bolludagur or "Buns Day." Homes, restaurants and particular bakeries, overflow with delicately made cream puffs or "buns". These "buns" come in all different shapes and sizes, filled with cream, jam, and sometimes drizzled in chocolate. Children especially love Bun Day because they get to wake up early and try to catch their parents still in bed. If they do, they "beat" them out of bed with their individually made Bolluvondur or "Bun Wands," which are colorfully decorated with strips of paper and gleaming ribbon. The parents are then obligated to give their children one cream puff for every "blow" received."


Monday, February 27, 2006

One Child's Experiences in Catechism Leads to Imaginative Leap of...well...not Faith

Lad (clutching stomach): I think Jesus got into my room last night while I was sleeping.

Dad: Why do you say that?

Lad: Well...you know how Jesus can make water into wine?

Dad (beaming at his son's knowledge but still slightly concerned): Absolutely. This happened at Cana. And as you know Jesus is everywhere...not just in your room.

Lad (wincing): I know...but he must've been in my room last night and did something to my tummy.

Dad (What in the Hell--sorry--Heck is he getting at? An intruder?): Mysterious ways aside, please explain, young man.

Lad: Uhm...he turned my dinner into water...brown water.

Dad: What?

Lad: I pooped brown water.

Dad (Oh for Christ's...er...well, shit): Listen, that has nothing to do with our Lord Jesus Christ and everything to do with your mother's casserole. Jesus can't turn digesting food into water.

Lad: I thought he could do anything.

Dad: ...


Friday, February 24, 2006


Many years ago Peter Gabriel begged us, the listening public, lyrically to SHOCK THE MONKEY TO LIFE. For those of us who found this sentiment right up our Pro-Monkey Alleys (not a euphemism), twas a fine tune with words we could really get behind (in a manner of speaking). I mean...it's really sad to see a dead monkey...only a heartless anti-simian jackass would want to leave 'em expired, correct?

As it turns out there are other musical artists out there with their own distinct Monkey plans; plans of which I've only just uncovered (i.e. made up).

Gwar: Monkey Accessorizing
Flattus Maximus was of the mind for a Monkey Skull codpiece (after failing at creating a Ocular Ornament which he had briefly christened the OOKular Monocle) while Beefcake the Mighty is leaning towards the Monkey Tail loin cloth/junk mud flap camp

Joe Cocker: Monkey Bacon
Looking for a turn of phrase that embraced/encapsulated his rather distinctive 'dance-style' Mister Cocker has determined, all these many years later and after much consultations with the Swine Industry and the lesser known Primate-in-lieu-of-Pork Concerns, that strips of Monkey Bacon sizzling on the gridle best captured the essence of his greasey wiggliness.

Sly Stone (sans The Family Stone): Monkey Toot
Self-imposed reclusiveness and a nose/arm/tear duct for medicinal experimentation has led Sly to believe that Monkeys dried out in a kiln and finely ground in an obnoxiously oversized Pepper Mill (one of the perks of fame and fortune he's been heard to mutter to the walls of his so-called Culinary Shack) will produce the greatest High of them all. At this point, however, said studies/tests have only proved to encourage his asthma and mysteriously reduce the Primate Population at the local zoo.

More to come as my research continues.


Thursday, February 23, 2006

Golden Slumbers leads to...

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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Today's Exclamation du Jour: Evel-Division

"By the Ruptured Spangley Stunt Spandex of Knievel!!!"


Tuesday, February 21, 2006

Today's Lamentation:

"Y'know...there ain't 'nough songs 'bout pemmican/jerky/hardtack/Slim Jims/meatsticks in pop'lar culture, knowwhatImsayin?"


Sunday, February 19, 2006

You Don't Say

An obit Headline from Saturday's Saint Paul Pioneer Press:

"Orchard Owner Loved Family and Apples"

Thank Goodness...otherwise that career path in the apple industry would have been a real kick in the seeds.


Thursday, February 16, 2006

The Gas Station Attendent: Pitchin' More Woo?!?
a continuance from February 14th

Another odd exchange from this morning's pre-work Coffee Run

Gas Station Attendent (GSA): You haf nice car.

Me: ...

GSA: Cool car.

Me: ...

GSA: That will be $1.55. You like drive? (waggles eyebrows)

Me: (hands money over) ...

GSA: See you soon? (I swear to God he winked)

Me: (leaves)

The heck?

Sure, you might think (after reading this exchange) that it's a fellow simply being nice.

I beg to differ.

This guy wants to go Park with me.

Sure, who could blame him? I'm a nice looking fellow...the rapidly increasing presence of grey hairs gives me a rather Distinguished Look...but, c'mon...he's not my type.

Too swarthy. Mustachioed.


All flattery aside, I just want my damn coffee and NOT coffee with a Lecher Danish.


Wednesday, February 15, 2006

You got Shatner in my Six Million Dollar Man!!!

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You got Six Million Dollar Man in my Shatner!!!

Tuesday, February 14, 2006

Valentine's Day

To the Fine Employee of Super America this morning (7 AM):

Thanks for helping me check out this morning. I'm the sort of fellow that requires a thermos o' joe before embarking to work and you were quite expedient in running my cash card.


If you think the free Valentine's Day Heart Shaped Cookie accompanied with a borderline lascivious "Heppy Valerteen's Dah" is going to get you somewhere Sexy with this lad...well...think again, buster!!!


Monday, February 13, 2006

Congrats to Shaun White, The Flying Tomato, and a Suggestion

You've won your first Olympic Gold Medal and, with this feat (and, p'raps, many more to come), it is time to put to rest your old handle of The Flying Tomato and utilize something that denotes your greater stature in the World.

Wouldn't ya know it...I have just the new moniker.

Chew on this one for a moment.


The Cranberry Geyser.


Nice, idn't it?

Have your people talk to my people and we can totally make this happen, Half-Pipe.


Sunday, February 12, 2006

With Apologies to Tom Waits

"My favorite Chocolate Quotes are from Jesus."

What she meant to say is that some of her favorite chocolate references come from the song CHOCOLATE JESUS by Tom Waits...but I like the statement as it is since it alludes to some commentary in the Bible from the Son of God on all-things chocolate.

Joe Don Baker turns 70 today

In his honor please adjust your Roscoes appropriately.


Saturday, February 11, 2006

Two Phrases from Last Night that could potentially become Band Names and/or Song/Album Titles

Pleasuring Stedman (in reference to how Oprah spends her free time)

Atari Erection (in reference to the old video game CUSTER'S REVENGE)

Quotes from Last Night caused by the Winter Olympics Opening Ceremonies

"Oh my GOD!!! Is that Peter Gabriel in a doo-rag?!?"

It wasn't.

"Pavarotti's clutching his Confidence Rag, as usual...but what the fuck is going on with his eyebrows?!?"

Luciano's ever-present sweat rag (rechristened 'Condifence Rag' in homage to Linus' Security Blanket) is always charming but it was more than obvious that this famous tenor had Grecian Formula-d his beard and painted on his brows.


Friday, February 10, 2006

Between Song Banter at a recent Indigo Mollusk Sect Concert


Whoa! Sorry about that, IMSians...the mic's secondhand and our gear tech was gassed up on Elmer's vapors during the sound check.


Okay, before we get to our next song, Don't Pear the Juicer, the band and I wanted to let y'all know that, contrary to what hasn't been reported in any music mag, fanzine, or even our website, we've lifted our Panty Embargo and you, our fan-TAS-atics, should feel free to fling your assorted undergarments stageward as a sign of your support! WOO! DRAWERS!!!

(smattering of applause interspersed with calls for FREE BIRD and GODZOOKIE--their take on BOC's Godzilla--but no panties arc towards the stage)

Aw, c'mon...we're really busting are asses up here in celebration of our muses and would really appreciate the cotton donations. Why should Tom Jones get all the bloomer-love?

(shouts for WHAT'S NEW, PUSSYCAT and YOUNG NEW MEXICAN PUPPETEER erupt from the audience)

Look...that's cute and all...okay...we'd even take a loin cloth thrown our way at this point.

(A chorus of Tarzan calls--some quite convincing, others sounding more like people trying to imitate cars backfiring, and one that sounds like a snow monkey passing through a carwash--issue forth from the assembled masses)

Seriously, we don't need this Lord Greystoke heat, dudes and dudettes. C'mon. One pair of panties, we'll settle for that. Don't any y'all chickies have a spare pair along for the ride? It ain't like we're gonna wear 'em like a hat or an astronaut's helmet or nothin'...

(An odd humming, most certainly the crowd's attempt at emulating Also Sprach Zarathustra, begins in earnest)

Man, fuck you! Just fuck off. This show's OVER!!!

(The lead singer unknowingly aping the monkeyman-smashing-stuff from 2001: A Space Odyssey--which coincides nicely with the fans impromptu Also Sprach Zarathustra--shatters his guitar against the front of the stage and the whole band leaves...no panties in hand)


Wednesday, February 08, 2006

Product Tie-Ins some Musical Acts should Consider

ZZ Topiary

Manfred Mannequins

Queens of the Stone Agave

Uriah Heepilady

Oingo Bean-o

The Sex Piss-toiletry

Violent Femmescaline

Virgin PruNes-tea

Neil Young and Crazy Horse Malt Liquor

Pete Yorn Nuts

Peter Paul and Marital Aids

Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Bandolier

Del Amitricycle

Velveeta Underground

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

Back in my Day...
a conversation from this morning's pre-work Coffee Run

Before my long trek to work this morn, I stopped off at a gas station/superette to get coffee. I arrived armed with a covered mug AND a thermos (I love me the coffee). Whilst filling the latter vessel, the following dialogue ensued:

Older Woman: I didn't think Young People (emphasis on Young People...almost sneeringly) today even knew what thermoses were let alone USED them.

Me: (man...it's too fucking early for this) You'd be surprised by us YOUNG PEOPLE and what we know. For example, I'm talked about in certain circles for my Ladle-Usage...kind of a Skill I've acquired...almost Uncanny the way I scoop mashed taters.

Older Woman: Hunh?

Me: (heh) Even formed a Ladle Club. Our Ceremonial Ladle is a baseball bat with an empty Quaker Oats cannister lashed to it with twine. It's construction was inspired by MacGyver and a particular camping incident where I found myself ladleless before a meal of beans cooked over an open fire.

Older Woman: Hunh?

Me: (hoo hoo) Oh, right, the thermos. I guess you could say that their existence was drilled into my head as my family are direct descendents of Sir James Dewar...the fellow that invented 'em. Heck, my friends nicknamed me VACUUM FLASK in grade school because of my bloodline AND my thermos collection (most of 'em inherited).

Older Woman: Hunh?

Me: Need an ear horn?

Older Woman: (turns on her heel and head's for the snack aisle without another word)


Saturday, February 04, 2006

Today's Misheard Lyrics

Actual lyrics from the song CHEAP THE BULLET by Barclay James Harvest:

"We stab our knives in the back of humanity."

I heard:

"We spent the night on the back of a manatee."


Friday, February 03, 2006

Han SolOuch!

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In keeping with yesterday's post.


(thanks to Cth for bringing this image to my attention)

Thursday, February 02, 2006

IF I make my 40th Birthday...

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I've been promised the life-sized Replica of Han Solo Frozen in Carbonite.

4 years and countin'


Wednesday, February 01, 2006

What's Saved in TIP's E-Mail Folders?
Part One: The Turkish Stud circa November 1999

View my touch as Face Neck Delicious. Answer Now for Good
Stab. Horseback monkey style underneath Turkey Night light. Taste flavor
as we sex. Table tennis must champion as gourd egg-plant novice. Hasten for
spill. Flock you me cars-bound to Canel Love. I live you over and
polish you twice many more. Hard shove show many evenings sweat napkin.
Hear of you plenty. Traverse land on back in headlock cinch spine nude.

Going over for oil slick jazz.

Ah...the folly o' me yoot.