Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Stream of Consciousness/River of What the Hell?

However, keep in mind the confined Hadesian odiferousness of Eunice "Lil' Fidel's Soot Reservoir" Pyrestein's corner Cigar and Weiner Rotisserie Shop's humidor. Therein it's smoldering atmosphere the wisdom of the nicotine-stained is freely shared, bets are placed, and second-hand/rescued parrots are force-fed the day old sausages (shaped as they are like comedy prop Lil' Smokey Sausages sans their usually steeped in red 'sauce') for the amusement of the young that gather outside the glass enclosure. It should surprise no one that the matchbooks from said enterprise are highly sought after and collectible. The scribbled faux-Taoist notes upon their respective covers--penned in the aforementioned red 'sauce'-- regaling the wonders of witnessing engorged avians 'duke it out, bird-style' are the toast of the transient community, as these denizens are reknowned for favoring cigar butts pierced with toothpicks...and the occasional parrot pin-feather....


Kiss the Aardvark, Damnit!

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Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Sorry for the unexpected hiatus. It shouldn't be much longer.


Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Righting a Wrong due to an Errant Yahoo Search

Thanks to the collision of two different phrases that appeared in posts of mine between the dates of January 1st and January 31st of 2004, a new Visitor arrived at my blog today (since my blog archives are collected in monthly chunks); a person that had entered the search phrase


into Yahoo's Search Engine.

The collison happened thanks to the appearance of "Dick Gregory" in my post dated January 4th, 2004 and "Grocery List" in the post on January 14th, 2004. Sadly, the unsuspecting searcher arrived here (as my lil' corner of the Internet came up as result #2 out of a possible 510 that Yahoo had amassed) and was surely disappointed to discover that there was no actual entry for DICK GREGORY'S GROCERY LIST here (and, thus, no food items that might appear on one).

Why might someone be looking for something like this?

Well, if memory serves, Dick Gregory is a bit of a Health Food/Weight Loss Guru and I can only suspect that the Searcher is looking to drop a few pounds via his expertise/wisdom. This could even be someone the size of the late Walter Hudson (whom Dick helped out back in the late 80s; Walt shed 600 or some odd pounds thanks to him...but, sadly, gained it all back in short order and passed away...oops) and requires this life-style change immediately.

To make amends for the lack of said list here at TIPTONE PRESENTS (and the possible dire Obesity Situation the Searcher might be Experiencing) I will now provide what I suspect is on one of DG's Grocery Lists. Don't let anyone ever tell you that ol' TIP ain't a helpful sort (maybe I'll even take up the title of Weight Loss Guru if my cobbled together and completely fictional Dick Gregory Grocery List proves to be a Success).

It is with great pride that I now reveal for the very first time at TIPTONE PRESENTS the Long Sought for


1. 4 Cans of Split Pea/Ham Triangles Soup
2. 1 Crate of Wrinkley Wrichard the Former Plum's Sluice Juice
3. 2 boxes of Fauxtess Faux-Hos
4. Richard Simmon's Pulled Pork Edible Short-Short-Cakes (3 pairs)
5. 5 Cartons of Tennessee Walking Horse Hoof Gelatin (with patented Un-Harshmellows)
6. 2 Gallons of Thin Potato Water-Ade

Good Luck soon to be recovering Fatties/Foodies!!!


Monday, May 22, 2006

Today's Motivational Poster

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(modified from an earlier post)

Friday, May 19, 2006

Debunking Old Wives' Tales: Part One

It is absolutely untrue that prior to mailing items through the Postal Service one needs to rub down said packages, envelopes, postcards, et cetera with the tattered undershirts salvaged from the wardrobe of long dead migrant workers/longshoremen/male Mae West impersonators in order to ward off the Demonic Sucking Vortex of the Dead Letter Office.

A recent survey by American Porcine Quarterly proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Swine Inseminators do not in fact get into their line of work because of an affinity to the sounds of "Oinkgasms."

You will not lose your job/mate/wallet if you leave your shoes on a table as long as they are being used as drinking vessels or condiment dispensers.

Swallowing watermelon seeds will not result in watermelons growing in your stomach; this was a rumor that originated from the avaricious members of the Oblong Fruit Society.

A swan's feather hidden within a mate's pillow will insure fidelity...but with waterfowl and not the feather stasher.

Manhandling another person's eggrolls is not a sign that you will perish in a catapult mishap.

Listening to THRILLER will not make your nose vacate your face nor awaken dormant Giraffe desires.

Placing your fingers in the mouth of Jack Klugman will not lead to lots of Quincy-Style Crime Solving nor Quincy-Style "making it with the Ladies" on any type of watercraft.

Thursday, May 18, 2006

Digging through some Pics: Prom 1989

There's an Upcoming Party with the Theme of 80's Prom and we've been encouraged to bring Prom Photos. Here's one from 1989 when I attended Moundview High's Prom with my ladyfriend at the time.

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Nothin' says 80's like a dude with Robert Smith hair.



Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Lil' TIP's Day at the Dentist: Simple Cleaning Division

Dentist: Ah. Looks like we've got some staining here on the back of these lower front teeth.

(taps with dentist scraping utensil to indicate the position)

Here's a mirror so you can see it.

Me: I don't want to look at the stains on my teeth. Can't you just proceed with the cleaning?

Dentist (slightly taken aback): It might be beneficial for you to see this.

Me (might as well play hard to get on this one...what the hell): No.

Dentist (Really taken aback now): ... Here, take the mirror.

Me (heh heh heh): Look, I know there's stains there. I like coffee A LOT and it has been a while since I've been to a dentist. Let's get on with this.

Dentist (suppressing his sigh): Take the mirror.

Me (in a finicky childlike manner): FINE.

(I take the mirror and gaze at the reflected image of my gaping maw)

Dentist (relieved): Okay...good...look right here.

(taps with utensil again)

Me (Here comes the Overly-Dramatic Moment): Oh my God!!! I'm HIDEOUS!!! I'm HIDEOUS!!!

(said in a voice loud enough to be heard by the folk in the waiting room and surrounding work areas; I am certain of this as my ears catch the sound of several people laughing in response to my cries of horror)

Dentist (wide-eyed): It''s not that bad. It'll only take a few minutes to clean right up.

(takes mirror from me)

Me (heh): whatever you can (whimpering). I don't want to be a pariah...

And so on.

May as well have FUN with 'em while you're being treated, eh?

(His payback may have been his insisting that I have a wisdom tooth extracted on my next visit...that should REALLY prove to be fun)

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

One Response to the Question "How do you Let Your Hair Down after Work?"

To unwind after work it's not an unusual hap'nin' to find your's truly slipping outta muh Work Pants (everyone should have at least one proper pair o' these...if'n your employer is okay with limiting yourself in this way...some major worky-types have Pants Quotas and shit and will Officially 'frown' In Writing which WILL find its way into your personal file, mark my scribbles) and into a loose pair o' easypants (which can be defined as them adult-sized pajama bottoms or even an old pair o' sweats...I'm even okay with them Doctor-ish Scrub things). But the Big Easy-ing of my post-work ritual don't stop there, nosirreeBobbie. Nope. To REALLY get yourself into the right Low -n- Lazy 'tude, I've found that filling the pockets of said relaxin' 'slacks' with a couple hundred pre-sacked marbles really does the trick...might have something to do with weighin' down my Nether Region...a salute to the Gravitational Pull of Mistah Earth and shit. AND these days ya ain't gonna get that hemmin' and hawin' from any of your Tom, Dick, and Harry young 'uns 'bout this sort of Marbles Treatment. No "Pa's got my Prize Winning Aggies in his Layabout Britches" or some such nonsense since playin' with Marbles ain't a thing that even registers on their Playtime's all 'bout the Video Games and the Grabass, you know? Thus, no impediment to your choice in relaxin' methodology...which suits me and the pockets in my easypants just fine. It's like bellin' a feline...and you know they loves their sleep. Throw in some Pabst Blue Ribbons and a couple o' Microwave Pot's livin'


Monday, May 15, 2006

Jim Logic leads to Unsolicited New Nickname

My father, Jim the Sicilian, has never said my name aloud in my presence for the entirety of my cognizant life (one could argue that he did when I was VERY little...but considering the lack of my name's usage in his vernacular over, say, the last 30 Plus years, I find it Highly Unlikely).

Instead he has relied on a series of nicknames.

Until the age of 16 or so he called me Boy.

This one makes a certain amount of sense and never really left me wondering about it's origins.

"He am younger than me...he am Boy."

From the ages of 16 to 34 (or so) I was called College.

Okay, sure, by the age of 16 I had already surpassed my father in my educational career (he was out of school by the ninth grade) so, perhaps feeling a wee bit intimidated/mildly jealous/whatever by this fact he christens me with College. This moniker I could live with...although it did seem to go on for a Bit too long (since I graduated from College by my 23 birthday) but What the Hell?

By my 34th or 35th year it was revealed to me that Jim had taken to calling my Hollywood.

This one left me a bit perplexed. Could it be the Transition Lenses in my glasses? That's my best guess even though Jim HIMSELF has Transition Lenses (I got them as a nod to his...and the fact that he looks like a Bald Richard Belzer...which, fortunately, I do not).


Which now brings us now to the latest addition to my Jim Alias List.

In the middle of my 36th year he is now calling me Doc (this happened for the first time on Sunday...Mother's Day).

It was revealed to me in the following exchange:

Jim: Doc, you're a Doctor, right?

Me (non-Phd): What?!?

Jim: You went to college for a long time.

Me: Five extra year because I switched majors half way through.

Jim: Right. So youse a Doctor, Doc. That's enough time to get that Peas Aitch Dees.

Me: ...

Jim: You knows what I'm talkin' 'bout, Doc.

Me: Dad, you can go ahead and tell people anything you like about me.

Jim: You're okay in my book, Doc.

And there you have it.

(Oh...that and I'm pretty sure he groped the Waitress)

Friday, May 12, 2006

Opening Lines of Conversation that SHOULD Forewarn you to Flee Immediately

"It seems like only yesterday that I first donned my own homemade Terry Cloth Loin Cloth...inspired more by the Nuge, don't cha know, as opposed to Eddie Burroughs' Vine Swinger...Monogrammed and everything."

"Knew a fellow that got his freaking head stuck in a Wheel of Cheese. I want to say it was Stilton...that's a cheese, not his name."

"I'm not the kind of guy that spills the beans willie-nillie...oh, hey...that reminds me of a time when I was forced to use my dress slacks as a colander to drain some excess sauce out of my mother's Baked Bean Casserole at a Church Function. They (the pants) ended up looking a lot like a pair of trousers hanging in Jackson Pollock's pantry (heh), I swear to fuck."

"True Story: my old man used to Bob Fosse's pomade supplier."

"The film OVER THE TOP with Slyvester Stallone was based on the years I spent on the Arm Wrestling Circuit."

"You may have seen me performing on the King Biscuit Flower Hour singing my cult classic hit IF SWINE WERE WINE."

"Remember hearing 'bout John Lennon's 'Lost Weekend?' I had one of those...only it involved a theremin and free access to all the Spray Paint I could huff."

"Plenty of ladies would back me up when I state emphatically that Makin' the Plook-Plook with your's truly is a lot like doing it Roger-Moore-Moonraker-Style but without the benefit of Zero Gravity."

"Not to Name Drop but I know the scholar that coined the term Doink."

"So the fruit vendor says to me, he says, 'Papaya' only he's got a slippery tongue problem or something (I'm no Throat, Mouth, Nose, Neck Doctor or whatever) and adds a couple extra Ya-Yas to I think he's talking about his dad..."

"Pizza place in town's got a special called Christ by the Slice...folk say the crust tastes like sweaty swaddling accentuated with sauce that has the slightest hint of boxed wine dregs, of all things."

"Ya ever go White Water Rafting in Muncie, Indiana with Eminem and 50 Cent?"


Thursday, May 11, 2006

While I Await my Brain to Re-Energize

Here's a fat dude in a Sombrero to pass the Time.


Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Smug Glee at Scoring tickets to Letterman!!!

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Monday, May 01, 2006

Early Morning Gas Station Dream Declaration

"When my money comes in, I'm going to get me one of them Egg Sandwiches. They look good."

A male customer (possibly just a loiterer considering his admitted financial status) to the cashier behind the counter this morning.

I applaud the heights he hopes to reach once his moolah rolls in (inheritance, first paycheck, blood money, cash from the sale of his late grandmother's gold fillings?). Why NOT dream of an Gas Station Egg Sandwich as Celebratory Meal once he finds his coffers filled?

Fuck you, bill collectors!

Fuck you, landlord!

Fuck you, Alimony Payment!

He's gonna Dine like...well...not a King...but some sort of Faux-Royalty, that's for sure...other financial obligations be damned!

(oh...and to be honest...the Egg Sandwiches at this--and possibly any--gas station look like shit)