Opening Lines of Conversation that SHOULD Forewarn you to Flee Immediately

"It seems like only yesterday that I first donned my own homemade Terry Cloth Loin Cloth...inspired more by the Nuge, don't cha know, as opposed to Eddie Burroughs' Vine Swinger...Monogrammed and everything."

"Knew a fellow that got his freaking head stuck in a Wheel of Cheese. I want to say it was Stilton...that's a cheese, not his name."

"I'm not the kind of guy that spills the beans willie-nillie...oh, hey...that reminds me of a time when I was forced to use my dress slacks as a colander to drain some excess sauce out of my mother's Baked Bean Casserole at a Church Function. They (the pants) ended up looking a lot like a pair of trousers hanging in Jackson Pollock's pantry (heh), I swear to fuck."

"True Story: my old man used to Bob Fosse's pomade supplier."

"The film OVER THE TOP with Slyvester Stallone was based on the years I spent on the Arm Wrestling Circuit."

"You may have seen me performing on the King Biscuit Flower Hour singing my cult classic hit IF SWINE WERE WINE."

"Remember hearing 'bout John Lennon's 'Lost Weekend?' I had one of those...only it involved a theremin and free access to all the Spray Paint I could huff."

"Plenty of ladies would back me up when I state emphatically that Makin' the Plook-Plook with your's truly is a lot like doing it Roger-Moore-Moonraker-Style but without the benefit of Zero Gravity."

"Not to Name Drop but I know the scholar that coined the term Doink."

"So the fruit vendor says to me, he says, 'Papaya' only he's got a slippery tongue problem or something (I'm no Throat, Mouth, Nose, Neck Doctor or whatever) and adds a couple extra Ya-Yas to it...so I think he's talking about his dad..."

"Pizza place in town's got a special called Christ by the Slice...folk say the crust tastes like sweaty swaddling accentuated with sauce that has the slightest hint of boxed wine dregs, of all things."

"Ya ever go White Water Rafting in Muncie, Indiana with Eminem and 50 Cent?"

T