Debunking Old Wives' Tales: Part One

It is absolutely untrue that prior to mailing items through the Postal Service one needs to rub down said packages, envelopes, postcards, et cetera with the tattered undershirts salvaged from the wardrobe of long dead migrant workers/longshoremen/male Mae West impersonators in order to ward off the Demonic Sucking Vortex of the Dead Letter Office.


A recent survey by American Porcine Quarterly proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Swine Inseminators do not in fact get into their line of work because of an affinity to the sounds of "Oinkgasms."


You will not lose your job/mate/wallet if you leave your shoes on a table as long as they are being used as drinking vessels or condiment dispensers.


Swallowing watermelon seeds will not result in watermelons growing in your stomach; this was a rumor that originated from the avaricious members of the Oblong Fruit Society.


A swan's feather hidden within a mate's pillow will insure fidelity...but with waterfowl and not the feather stasher.


Manhandling another person's eggrolls is not a sign that you will perish in a catapult mishap.


Listening to THRILLER will not make your nose vacate your face nor awaken dormant Giraffe desires.


Placing your fingers in the mouth of Jack Klugman will not lead to lots of Quincy-Style Crime Solving nor Quincy-Style "making it with the Ladies" on any type of watercraft.