Monday, January 31, 2005

New Positions for the Sexually Adventurous

Sub-Tropical Ungulate Stampede
The Gimpy Sherpa's Trek up Mount Yum-Yum
Ladlin' Lil' Smokey Sauce
Frosted Mini-Wees
The Earl of Readalot's Viscous Bookmark
Carmex Suture
Socrates' Lap
One Flew Over the Cuckold's Neck
Rockefeller's Slush Fund
Colonel Mustard in the Dumbwaiter with a Spanner
One Week, Two Busted Toilet Seats
John the Baptist with Fries (inspired by the B. Kliban strip)
The Mason's Jarring
Goat Sold Seperately
The Terry-Cloth Sumo
Brother Flagelatto's Marital Sheet


Thursday, January 27, 2005

Taking Pride in your Bowel Movements
Real or Imagined?

"Remember that game, Tetris? I shit like that."


Tuesday, January 25, 2005

A belated tale from the Holiday Season

Our lil' squad of pals had gathered at a local tavern/restaurant to celebrate X-mas a wee bit early, swap gifts, spit, dirty looks, salacious leers (to the other patron-y wildlife), and insults all in the name of Good Cheer (or some such nonsense) and that oh-so-elusive Holiday Spirit (Let's go see the TREE!!!). As most of the assemblage found said Cheer in the form of alcoholic imbibements we got around to the actual gift exchange. One particular present to your's truly was a pair of Christmas-Themed Peanuts underwear (with Charlie Brown and Snoopy featured prominently on a field of red cotton) from one of my lady friends. Group Think (encouraged by the aforementioned drinkies) took over and it was determined by a Jury of my Peers that it was absolutely necessary for me to don the drawers and 'show them off.' Never one to pass up an opportunity to model nether region wares (easily swayed due to my freshly fermented brain into believing that, YES, I had some sort of innate leanings towards boxer flaunting) I was quickly off to the establishment's Men's Room to swap skivvies. Fortunately there was an available stall to change in and I was sans pants and old undies in a flash. Wrapped those Peanuts shorts on and stood for a moment clutching my old pair.

What the hell am I going to do with these?
Fold 'em up and put them in my pocket?



My sotted mind instructed me to Ditch the used pair...but I needed to find a suitable location.

Now, sober it would have been obvious that I should just toss the bad boys in the trash and be done with them. Heck, considering the flushing power of the toilets there I might have even been able to send them to a watery grave (maybe they would have been reclaimed by an employee at the Water Works? A kind of re-gifting, eh?).

However, as noted, I was Not sober.

Scanning about the stall I took notice of the Koala Kare Changing Station (for proud papa's to utilize in getting a fresh nappy on their befouled bundles of joy). Perfect.

I opened it up a crack and slipped my now-passe drawers inside and took my leave to hit the 'runway' and the adulation of my gathered posse.

So, if you were the fortunate fellow that discovered a worn-out pair of men's boxers stowed away in a Diaper Doo-Hickey...they were mine.

Maybe you even used them as impromptu swaddling or an ass rag?

Another form of regifting.

Now that's the Holiday Spirit.

(feels better after confessing)

Monday, January 24, 2005

Beverage Inquiry from an Unlikely Source

Minding an assortment of letters whilst at work today (Ps, Qs, the occasional Zed...I'm SOO international that way...sing with me, "Hands across the water...Hands across the sea) when I was startled out of my alphabetic shepherding by an unepected (and unrequested) appearance from our friendly neighborhood Janitor, Johann (named changed to protect no one in particular...just the sort of thing to add a lil' mystery to the tale). He was holding a column of styrofoam cups and a pitcher of some yellowish fluid and motioning them to me (shake shake splash splash) while asking:

"Would you care for some fresh pineapple juice?"

Naturally, one does not expect such a question from the resident practitioner of the custodial arts. They aren't reknowned for dispensing quaffs of any sort (fruit squeezings or otherwise); per their profession, the closest thing a janitor might have that could be considered drinkable might be Lysol--Lemon-scented or, I s'pose, flavored-- strained through a loaf of bread (a la hoboes...both the loaf and the transient supplied seperately...unless the janitor in question is THAT well-prepared) or a couple of Urinal Cakes dissolved in a slop bucket (which could be considered a wheeled plasticine beer stein if you felt the need to rechristen it; sounds more palatable that way, swilling it in that capacity if you were so inclined to ingesting a concoction of this type).

Heck, even I--a janitor during my late high school/college years-- was never heard to utter anything even remotely like this offer. I might have been able to score you a few free rolls of toilet paper and a fistfull of sanitary napkins if requested but never a potation of any sort (Sieved Lysol, Urinal Cake-Ade, et cetera).

A muted moment elapsed while several thoughts ricocheted through my head bone (unrealistic as they were but, hell, consider the source, eh?):

"Is that piss? Why the Hell does he have a pitcher of fucking urine, who's piss is it, and why does he think I want some?!? Is my office persona that of a closet-piss-swigger? What would make someone think that? Do I have...mental gasp...'Golden' Breathe? Are co-workers spreading horrifying rumors about me behind my back? Hey, d'ya hear about, Tip? In his spare time he ingurgitates his own AND--when available-- other folks' piddle!!! S'true. I heard him gargling in the restroom once and another time I saw him go in there with a freakin' industrial-sized bendy-straw. D'ya ever smell his breathe? Fuck me, I'm screwed. Does that mean if I say YES that it'll confirm these libelous slurs? How dare he strut in here and insult me in this manner! Splash Splash, cup o' Wee Wee for you, sir. Unless, that is, it IS actually pineapple juice. What kind of janitor shows up at work with enough pineapple juice to share with his co-workers? A nice one would, I s'pose...I'd have never done it. It's probably not piss afterall. I don't even LIKE pineapple juice or pee for that matter. I could have passed on the offer immediately instread of ruminating. I sure have been silent for too long...and a lil' neurotic. I'd better respond."


"Oh, okay."

And so he departed to continue his drinkie campaign.

For the remainder of the afternoon I was left to ponder the sheer number of cups he had with him; which may have denoted very few takers on his offer, that I was his first stop on his Roaming Fruit Drink Crusade OR others thought it was urine, too.

Considering my initial reaction I'd like to believe it's the latter.


Friday, January 21, 2005

A Post-Ogling Slip of the Tongue throws several Question Marks into the Air

"Oh, man...I would LOVE to children her father!"



Thursday, January 20, 2005

Titles of Recognition Culled from Actual Obituaries that are Unlikely to Appear in Mine Unless I Veer Off my Current Career Path

Stockyard Stalwart
Grape Pioneer


Wednesday, January 19, 2005

An Alternative to Spaying/Neutering your Pets?

A new slogan to keep in mind if you find yourself in a charitable mood (as suggested to me by a fellow that will remain anonymous):

"Slay a stray, feed a hobo."

Easier than donating to a food shelf (do you really think they enjoy all the Cream of Soups turned in?) and cheaper than flipping change a to beggerly sort (they're just going to spend the money on booze and Pogs, right?).

I'm not exactly sure how I feel about this...I you really need to kill the feral beasts beforehand? I could swear I've read somewhere (Reader's Digest? Redbook? Drifters Weekly?) that most homeless folk can unhinge their jaws and swallow 'em whole (like a snake, eh? Or them aliens from those V mini-series from years ago) which, if true, would rule out the necessity of committing murder for their chow (Chow-Chow chow?).

I should ruminate on this for a spell (hmm...probably shouldn't use the term ruminate...implies cud chewing which leads us to cows which leaves 'em thinking about a nice steak or--if they're in the mood-- some tartar).

I'll stop now.


Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Unimpressive Boasts: Celebrity-Related

"Some folk say I sound a lot like Lou Ferrigno when I sing."

"I was Oprah Winfrey's stunt double for The Color Purple."

"Thanks to E-Bay I now have a sack of Gallagher's hair...and it still kinda smells watermelon-y."

"I once complimented Kris Kristofferson on the condition of the jeans he was poured into."*

"Took second place in a Shake and Stink Like Joe Cocker competition."

"Senator Norm Coleman once gripped my elbow."**

"Morrissey penned the tune Vicar in a Tutu about my anglican uncle's slighty off-putting fashion choices."

"I've got it on good authority that this mud flap was once used as a loin cloth by Ted Nugent."


*This one is something that actually happened...and believe me...they were some nasty-lookin' Levi's and begged to be snarkily commented on.

**This happened, too. I still feel a lil' turned on by it.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Innapropriate Question for a Superhero Team News Conference

"While it's quite fortunate that you bested the Brotherhood of Nefarious Ill-Doings, what the people really want to know is if you have any advice for menopausal women?"


Wednesday, January 12, 2005

Words of Wisdom from a Peckish Swami

"There is nothing wrong with ham can be found therein."


Tuesday, January 11, 2005

A Representative Quote on the Sorry State of Scandanavian Delicacy Availability in Minnesota OR One Norsk Gal's Descent into Hyperbole?

You Decide!

"You can't even find good cardamom rolls anymore!!!"

Hannah Hansen

Could a manifesto on this topic be far behind?


Monday, January 10, 2005

A Salute to the Person that Visited my Blog while Searching for...


as revealed when I checked my counter stats earlier today.

Now, I haven't a real clue (but have a strong suspicion) as to What exactly PERSONALLY MOLDED VAGINAS are (sex toys? art? eclectic ashtrays?) but I thank you for taking the time to stop by my neck (not exactly the body part you were looking for, eh?) of the Internet; hopefully you read something of interest and even chortled a time or two...perhaps a welcome respite from your relentless Search for the perfect PERSONALLY MOLDED oasis of sorts.

Makes me wonder how many more hits I'd get here if included other interesting words/phrases; such as:


Hmm...maybe I'm not so very good at this.

Anyhoo, Thanks for your visit, kind (insert sex here)*


*Heh...INSERT SEX might also guarantee some hits for my blog, come to think of it...)

Friday, January 07, 2005

A Potential Hitch in the On-Going Courtship of Two Employees of Julius Boscage's Arboretum

"I'm telling you, Steve, if Linda ever finds out about the Incident it'll be Splitsville for sure."

"Which Incident, Thad? The only with the Bag of Fertilizer and the length of hose?"

"No, not that one. Remember that time Jorge was bragging about the soil on Lot 3? That it tasted like chocolate? believed him and licked his trowel."


"AND?!? If Linda ever catches wind that I swabbed my tongue across another man's garden can just imagine the implications. And Jorge's a bit of a braggart and all...I can just hear him spouting off over this incident."

"It's not like your licking his trowel is some sign of any latent homosexuality is it? Is that what you're worried about?"



Thursday, January 06, 2005

A Tragic Lad's Life turned Best-Selling Biography

Fed to the Tinker's Donkey: The Abrupt End of Timothy O'Mulligut


Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Most Unexpected Question Overheard at a New Year's Eve Party I Attended (that was Not Scottish-Themed...although there exists the possibility that Scotch was present)

"Wait...are those bagpipes?"