Wednesday, January 30, 2008

An excerpt from my proposed Soap Opera THE PLOOKSTEINS OF AVENUE OHNO

"Oh, Brickford...when I first saw you applying moistened talcum powder to your scalp---to 'soften your synapses' you said--I nearly plooped through my hamper. Now take me...take me on the dryer!"


Sunday, January 27, 2008

I went to School with a kid named _______ Part Two

I went to school with a kid named Cosmo "Consume" Meticulous. He was the kind of kid that would--without hesitation--eat Milk Duds off the apse floor of his church with the excuse that the "Manna excretions" of the Holy Trinity's collective gastrointestinal systems rocketed him to the front of the Going to Heaven line.

I lurve a Parade

A bunch of us go to the Saint Paul Winter Carnival parade every year. Like our State Fair, it's a great place to go and people watch and laugh and so on and so forth. At one point yesterday afternoon we took note of a generously proportioned youngster with a huge bag of powdered sugar donuts. I decided to take a closer work; get into his proximity for an up close gander. I galumph over and fall into his orbit. From this vantage I note the powdered sugar strewn heavily about his chilled cheeks and the upper-most portions of his hoodie. My fascination gets the better of me as I am literally face-to-face with this kid. Quickly realizing that I'm in a Bad Place Vortex I try to come up with a cover story/escape plan. I turn my gaze from his visage off slightly to the right (his left) and yell:

"Gary? Is that Gary? Gary!!! Gary, is that you?!?"

To a non-person off in the crowd.

Fortunately there were no Garys within earshot and I escaped without any physical damage nor powdered sugar deposits about my person.

We continued calling out to the fictitious Gary for the rest of the day.


Friday, January 25, 2008

I Went to School with a Kid Named ______

This is a lil' annoying thing that I've been doing for ages to amuse/annoy the kids.

Someone says to me:

"I can't stand brown shoes. It makes me look like I've stepped in shit."

To which I might/will reply:

"I went to school with a kid named Brown Shoes. He got a trophy awarded to him one time for "Most Likely to Smell like a Gas Station Shower" and played the washtub bass in a pick-up band named Cat Guts and the Unstrung Hero Sandwiches."

Like that...although it certainly does not require a REAL quote taken from someone else's previous statement (as you will see).

Anyhoo, I shared this lil' tidbit of HAHA with some of my Pals.

Here's a collection of what has sprung forth from my endeavor (mine are buried in this assortment):

I went to school with a kid named Reed Naldy. He had a thing for glueing Hot Wheel race track lengths to his inseams and asking the school custodian which way was best to pronounce the word Extrude.

I went to school with a kid named Ted-Nugent-Procreation-Bear-Lotion the Third. His father used to roadie for the Motor City Madman and clearly spent far too many years in close proximity to the Tedster's loin cloth emissions.

I went to school with a kid named Quite Fresh. His father was a Canned Peach salesman with the off-putting malador of a Tofu Matador Slurpee.

I went to school with a kid named Matthew Monkeybread. His father was a Brazilian wax engineer and his mother was Wisconsin's Butter Churner of the Year (1977).

I went to school with a kid named Beauford T. Bocephus. Carried moonshine in his Dukes of Hazzard thermos and helped his pa kill bears to keep them away from the town's garbage cans. His overalls were so dirty, they could stand up by themselves.

I went to high school with a guy named Asshat McDingledork. His mother used to defecate OMD threads from her anus-vagina and his father was the bastard abandoned son of feuding Marvel & DC fans.

I went to school with a guy named Kenny Sasquatch. He had a full beard by 7th grade, and complete back hair coverage by 10th grade. He moved to Oregon in 11th grade, but I don't know what ever became of him.

I went to school with a kid named Burnt Umber. He was Tongan and smelled like a used Dixie Cup.

I went to school with a kid named Midnight "the Un-Prussian" Blue. He was predisposed to liking all things Lou Gramm and once filled a toy viola with stolen bag lunches.

I went to school with a kid named Piengineer Chairstock. He was a dirty Finn with a taste for Elmer's Glue slag and once managed to get his Trouser Train stuck in the Crayola Sharpener.

I went to school with a kid named Slawomir J. Borowy. He used to eat pierogies at lunch every day and his library books were always overdue. He smelled like beets.

I went to school with a kid named Stinker McBumpthread. He liked gnawing on park benches and referred to his pants as his 'warren'

I went to school with a kid named Wein Wolverine. He liked to climb trees on the playground and used to pee on everything in sight.

I went to school with a kid named Epic Awesome. He was a tremendous bed wetter; hence the fact that he smelled like an off-duty longshoreman 24-7.

I went to school with a kid named Aboutaam Suada. He was a drum major in the school band. He smelled like lentils and orchids. He had a lisp. He loved the music of Dan Fogelberg and wanted to be a pig inspector when he grew up.

I went to school with a kid named Throatwarbler Mangrove...but everyone called him Luxury Yacht (and vice voce).

I went to school with a kid named Chunky Redsauce. He was an Indian/Dago hybrid.

I went to school with a kid named Harvard Lockjaw.

I went to school with a kid named Too Far.

I went to school with a kid named Monkey Joanna.

I went to school with a kid named Inverted Nipple.

I went to school with a kid named Projecting Mons.

I went to school with a kid named Dewey Spackle.

I went to school with a kid named Deviated Scropops.

I went to school with a kid named Kid A With School To Went I. He majored in latin.

I went to school with a kid named Ray Dio.

I went to school with a kid named Ostentatious Finger.

I went to school with a kid named Sebaceous the Smeg Monster.

I went to school with a kid named Leslie Wesley. He was not amused.

I went to school with a kid named Michael Madison who lived on Madison road. And he hated when people pointed that out.

My father used to SWEAR to me that he went to school with a girl named Shithead (pronounce shuh-THEED).

Thursday, January 24, 2008



Friday, January 18, 2008

Not Martin Luther King Junior Day
A brief excerpt from one of last night's exchanges

Waitress: I don't like any of the brown liquors.

Me: Racist.

Waitress: ...

The lie I told today at the in-service in response to the request for an example of Good Customer Service

"There is always a fresh sandwich in my glovebox when I pick my car up from the mechanic that does of all my vehicle's maintenance. It's like a delicious Thank You for trusting his servicing."

Ten different people (I counted) asked me if this was true. The rest of the lies I told (thus far) today was answering Yes, Totally True to each of them.

There are only two correct questions that should follow said prevarication; and they are:

What kind of sandwich?


Which car mechanic?

And, for those keeping at home, there are (at least) two different kinds of Fictitious Sandwiches that are not at all allowed:



Egg Salad

And now you know...maybe.


Thursday, January 17, 2008

Home Vinting as Inspired by the more Clever (and alcoholic) of the Incarcerated

A quote from the other night:

"Can you even find a stainless steel toilet on the Internet?"

JIII initial response to another friend's mention that he's going to start making his own Prison Toilet Wine at home.

The answer? LOTS of places.

Unfortunate Typo gives me a Pleasant Pause

In a memo addressed to me I found the following:

"...and I really appreciate your supplepants."


Now, I'm am pretty sure that the word should read SUPPLEMENTS and not SUPPLE PANTS but for one moment (or three) I was quite pleased that someone somewhere (even if it was a Cow-Orker) had taken note of the fine contours 'neath my trousers.



Monday, January 14, 2008

Which Power Ring Would Come to You?
Otherwise known as: Another Comic Book aside

Which Power Ring would come to you?

You have the ability to overcome great fear. Welcome to the Green Lantern Corps. Your ring will guide you to Oa where you will be instructed in the proper use of your newfound powers as Green Lantern of sector 2814.
Take this quiz!

Quizilla |

| Make A Quiz | More Quizzes | Grab Code

Sunday, January 13, 2008

Story Element Booya
A miasma of items--when stewed together over time--that will surely lead to a most delectable tale for all ages/palettes

Grigori Yefimovich Rasputin

The brainpan of a fictitious giant

Turnip theft accusations

Temporal Displacement

One year's worth of collected and fermented tears from an area funeral home

Vintage Undersized Zubaz mistaken for Yoga Pants

Algonquin Shaman Chuckittomoss Gritslash

A suspect 'utility belt'


Saturday, January 12, 2008


There's something particularly wonderful about having someone named Gassenheimer suggesting a particular recipe for Hungarian Goulash.

At least that's what I though when I stumbled upon it this morning in the paper.


Tuesday, January 08, 2008

The 'Quatch and The Steve
Because I never get tired of seeing these fellows together and STILL hold out hope that The Six Million Dollar Man will some day be released on DVD.

The 'Quatch and The Steve would also make a lovely title to a series of books for Children...and me apparently.


Monday, January 07, 2008

with one fat man thrown in for fun



I'm of the mind that this was a great film...and I'd probably KNOW THIS for a fact if it hadn't been for the elderly couple that decided to sit RIGHT NEXT TO ME at the theater. The Old Man (of this Doddering Duo) almost inserted my Medium Soda into his asshole when attempting to lower his frame into the seat to my immediate left. My (previously unknown) Coke Fu abilities saved said beverage from being trasmorgrified into a Theater Colonic at the very last second.

Then the previews started.

Now, I'm no fan of the TEN OR MORE PREVIEWS thing myself...but I'm also not asking my nearly blind wife to look at my watch to tell me how long they've been going on in a darkened theater after three of them (from my vantage point the watch in question could have easily been a wrist-sized sundial for all the luck they were having trying to tell the time off of it in, as I've noted, a darkened theaters). It was at THAT point that I was going to move. Unfortunately, this hopeful relocation was nixed by the theater being completely full.

Then the film began.

A heavy smattering of your steroetypical Old Folk Movie (Loud) Ponderings:

"What's going on?"

"What is he doing?"

"How long IS this picture?"

"What's that tube thing?"

And so on.

Coupled with MY FAVORITE Bit.

Everytime the actor Javier Bardem (Anton Chigurh) appeared on the screen...Every. Single. TIME. The Female of this Codgery Couple would go:

*sharp intake of air*
(no Oxygen Tank accompanied her)
*release of air*



Perfectly delightful.

Another bit that was a ton of fun:

The Elderly Male would say (Loud Slur, natch) NO COUNTRY FOR OLD MEN whenever Tommy Lee Jones appeared on the screen.

So I am trapped. I can either leave or try to make due.

I stayed.

We get to the end parts. Lots of oratory. No they are REALLY going to town on the Mutterings. I'm done with it. I tell them both--looking directly at them--to PLEASE COULD YOU BOTH SHUT UP and I'm completely and utterly disregarded. They do not even turn to look at me. I am not there. They are entitled. They have been tax payers for Generations. They can do whatever they want. I clearly have no respect for the Elderly.


A seemingly Really Really good film that I will need to go see again...but this time I am NOT going in the middle of the afternoon on a Sunday.

(Addendum: The bastard sitting behind me with his large popcorn. Apparently his Food-Fetching-Fist was larger than the bag holding his Nutrients as it was mashing and crinkling for the first 45 minutes of the film)

Friday, January 04, 2008

My Political Statement for the Day (post-Iowa Caucus)