Monday, February 28, 2005

One side of a rather Heated Exchange overheard at a Craft Show

"Big words, little man, big words...and get that Flying Shuttle outta my damn face!!! I've killed lesser men than you for a stunt like that...a treadle right in the taint or strangulation via an angora muffler. You're lookin' at a fellow with 2--count 'em--2 spinning wheels in his goddamn garage. Didn't have to sodomize or wager muh brood tah Rumpel-mintz-skin or whatever the friggin' fabley-tale wuz to out spin any one o' you friggin' spinsters. My yarn's no yarn, dig?


Thursday, February 24, 2005

An ogler's move as inspired by a famous seafarer of yore

Approach female

If bedecked in earrings comment on their 'stunningness' while reaching for one of them

Female's eyes will track the motion of your hand towards their lobe decor; at this point sneak a glance at her bosom

With her head now turning either left or right (depending on your initial choice in ears) encourage a full 360 degree turn by requesting a look at the opposite earring; with rotation underway, steal a lingering peep of her trunk

If you are busted in your lecherous leering prior to the completion of her 'round-the-worlding' CONGRATS! You, just like Magellan, are dead before circumnavigating the 'globe'

See, kids, History can be fun.


Wednesday, February 23, 2005

And you dropped from school WHY?

Family curse that when reaching a certain age each patella devolves into the consistency of pudding; subsequent taunts by classmates in Bill Cosby-esque voice hurtful considering the condition is incurable unless family can roust an able-bodied hoodoo practitioner and a suitable amassment of chicken bones (tasks not as easy as they may sound).

Lap burns caused by a wayward hot potato tossed by undiagnosed-with-anger-issues-and/or-mercury-poisoned Uncle Elliot.

Faulty medicinal pants and lingering Vicks aroma

An elf infestation in home's ductwork coupled with high concentration of pixie dust and gorgon guano in the basement

Star Trek: Enterprise was cancelled; off to protest the network.

Eloping with the sexy wooden mermaid attached to the prow of the HMS Alert-Plook


Monday, February 21, 2005

A Quote from a dear friend of mine that, if overheard by people who do not know him, might be misconstrued for a declaration of his newly discovered erectile dysfunction or perhaps even the toppling of a stack of a particular Marvel comic book series in his possession

"Did I tell you about the collapse of my Mann thing?"

MANN with two Ms as this comrade of mine was/is in the running for a manager's position with the theater chain of that name but, as I write this, there is still some question about whether or not both sides can agree on a salary and benefits package; hence the so-called 'collapse.'


Thursday, February 17, 2005

Other 'Weaponry' considered by the J. Geils Band in early drafts for the song that would eventually become FLAMETHROWER

Molotov Chamberpot
Rubberband Laser (later co-opted by Klaus Nomi)
Jawbone of an Ass
Glockenspiel filled with Buckshot
Robot Conquistador
Bologna Ballista
Leaden Unicorn
Flashpaper Frock
Sherman Tank
Vorpal Marital Aid


Tuesday, February 15, 2005

A Conversation at work I should not have joined in on in Hindsight


Coworker #1: What's that squeaking noise?
Coworker #2: I think it's Ken's chair.
Coworker #1: What's he doing in there?
Me (interjecting from over a cubicle wall and a ways off): His Kegel's!!!
Coworker #1 & #2 (together): *giggle giggle giggle*

As it turned out, Ken heard all of this and was not pleased that I had claimed the squeaking of his chair was due to his vaginal-strengthening exercises...especially since he was with a prospective student.

Good times, good times.


Monday, February 14, 2005

Look for it at your local Celebrity Deli under 'Rock Band inspired Delicacies'

"I always got a sandwich-vibe off of it."

One friend's admission/interpretation of XTC's DEAR GOD after I mentioned hearing said song over a gas station's PA system (which, in my mind, was an odd place to hear it being piped in...but there you go). It must have been the lines:

"But all the people that you made in your image,
See them starving on their feet,
’cause they don’t get enough to eat"

that made him think that, eh?

One manna sammich comin' right up!

Or would that be a mannawich?


Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Why my Father could be considered the YODA of the Janitorial Set

"Ya gotstah get a good two-handed clutch onna plunger if'n ya wanna prop'lee clear out a stuffed up ain't gonna getcha nowhere...doublin' up on yer grip like dat is like droppin' a dwarf with a trowel in the'll knock that shit loose like there's a lil' bastard diggin' away in dere."


Monday, February 07, 2005

The Influence of Cinema

I've taken note that many non-vino-people have taken to wine drinking after seeing the film SIDEWAYS. I, myself, have not seen the film but from what I've gleaned from reviews and overhearing conversations/raves/rants on it I do know that a wine-tasting trip plays a part in the overall story (for example, Pinot Noir sales are up as shown in a recent news item); hence the interest in chugging the grape. This brought to mind some other instances when films have created a buzz (pun initially not intended but what the hell)in society and subsequent trends/fads/fashion statements/what have you...for better or for worse:

Star Wars: A New Hope
Incidents of torching berobed little people corpses up throughout the world with little regard to the fact that Jawas don't actually exist.

Chariots of Fire
Going for a trot along the shore? Tight white shorts were all the rage and many an ass was seen swaddled in said attire while gallavanting alongside bodies of water.

Ahh...recall with fondness the days of glow-in-dark union suits

The Silence of the Lambs
The fava bean and Chianti industry saw a spike in sales and, in an unfortunate turn of events, as did lotion vendors and poodle peddlers. Rumors still abound that pit excavations and 'Pulling a Gumm' (by which males tucked their junk betwixt their pegs and paraded about) were also on the rise during the months/years that followed the film's release.

Rubber shirts equipped with molded faux-nipples cause a stir throughout the nation...perhaps even used at times to actually stir beverages/soups/unguents.

The Adventures of Buckaroo Banzai: Across the Eighth Dimension
Watermelon experimentation is through the roof as is eyewear crafted from bubble wrap.

Road Warrior
Folk were considered losers if they weren't packing a razor-edged boomerang and sporting an lil' apeboy-look (often mistaken for Chaka from Land of the Lost).

Million Dollar Baby
High-priced black market adoptions are becoming as common as dirt thanks to folk getting the wrong idea about this film due to their collective failure to actually see it.

Altered States
A popular dance based on the lumbering gait of William Hurts' mutated monkey man character sweeps discoes worldwide.

More to come as time permits.


Thursday, February 03, 2005

One Take on the Immaculate Conception

"Joseph was totally cock-blocked by God, man."


Tuesday, February 01, 2005

Take Home Test gets Personal

Mister Smoot's 8th Grade English Class' Quiz on Broderick Juniper's short story, The Malador of Boxcar Seventeen

1. Puddley Stewart (also called 'Stu-Pud' by his mates) refuses to share the location of the turnip field with his co-squatter Melodious Louis (Mel-Lou). What is the main reason behind his keeping this secret from his comrade and what's the deal with Suzie McCloud (second row, third seat)? You think she's on the sauce? I swear I can see the booze bubbles orbiting her damn head from the front of the room; afterall we know her mother's a sot from the last parent/teacher conference. Thoughts?

2. After their run in and subsequent escape from the railyard tough Uncle Trauma, where do Stu-Pud and Mel-Lou take refuge to lick their wounds and plot revenge? What is the significance of their talk with self-proclaimed 'vengeance guru,' Knuckleduster and his for-hire 'pistol-whipping posse?' What does the Shillelagh of Great Smiting symbolize and do you think it's possible that Timmy Blackstop (first row, first seat) will grow up to be an ass-kiss of the highest order? Read my lips (and/or this test, Mister): I. DO. NOT. LIKE. PASTRAMI. STUFFED. IN. EGGPLANTS! I could give a shit that it's a family favorite NOR do I care that the recipe came over on the Mayflower or whatever damn boat you keep referencing (hell, it could be the USS WHOGIVESAFUCK for all I care). Leave the meat/vegetable hybrids at home where it's appreciated and, evidently, consumed enthusiastically. Gifts of this nature will get you nowhere. Comprende?

3. The nefarious and oddly helmeted No-Lips-All-Teeth trails our protagonists for the entirety of the tale without ever laying his mitts (and cutlery) on them. Did he really mean to eat the hoboes, making them, as he states, 'one with my torso,' or is there an allegorical meaning to his meal plans? If so, what do you believe the allegory is (societal? political? religious?) and why, Sweet Jesus, why does Constance Flannery (row four, seat five) think she's 'all that and a bag of Frito's?' Sure, I give you that she certainly appears to know her way around snack foods, but does she REALLY think she's cute? Don't you kids keep yourselves apprised of one anothers appearances? Someone knock her down a few pegs (and away from the buffet) with some well-aimed taunts, would ya? I'm sick and tired of looking at what hangs out over her low-slung clamdiggers. And I'm telling you, if you don't, I'm bringing a damn tarp to throw over her in class. Mark my words.

4. Per the title of your reading assignment, what exactly is the 'Malador of Boxcar Seventeen?' What's the cause of it and how does it bring about the salvation of Stu-Pud and Mel-Lou? Speaking of stink (and stink lines); Thaddeaus 'Tad' Mulligan (row one, seat eight), you're not fooling anyone. You shit yourself, dontcha? Pour as much of your father's English Leather on you as you like, it's NOT masking the feces reek. As your teacher I have to also take into account the well-being of your classmates (as well as you) and seeing that they are in contact with your scent cloud 8 hours a day concerns me that there could be long-term effects on them due to it (ever hear about asbestos? ask one of your old furnace installing could cause similar ailments considering the stinging nature of it). I'm sure as hell in this touchy-feely age of ours that there MUST be a support group one of your daddies could take you to to address the issues behind your non-toilet-shitting. Oh, and it's not an enduring quality like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Get help NOW or I'm locking you in the coatroom.