Friday, September 30, 2005

Another Excerpt from Modern Day Omens:

Discovering that your recently purchased Oscar Meyer Variety Pack of Luncheon Meats have passages from Jack London's CALL OF THE WILD etched upon the individually sliced pieces (Chapter One, paragraph 3 on the cotto salami, Chapter Five, paragraph 8 on the bologna, and so on) could very well mean that there's an oddball survivalist amongst the meat packers at Oscar Meyer OR that you are to assume, in short order, the living personification of a kinda Ray Bradbury's 'The Illustrated Man' and educate whilst nourishing your nation's youth.


Thursday, September 29, 2005

An Excerpt from MODERN DAY OMENS

Oracle-y inclined car mechanic leaves ham sandwich (rye bread) in your glove box is often a good (bad, really) sign that you will, in short order, be consumed by swine (see Thomas Harris' HANNIBAL for details) or a person in a pig costume. Avoid Porcine Establishments and Costume parties at all costs...especially if the latter is held at the former.

I've Got a Fast Cat

A friend of mine, Elfonz Gogol, has a spare Eight Track Player you can use...well...he says it's an Eight may actually a reclaimed old-fangled shoeshine box painted metallic silver with a NO FEAR sticker on the side. Which, if it had four wheels on it, might have at one time made a bitchin' doubledecker-esque skateboard. It might be the sticker that's making me think this...but I could totally see a little person or someone of that stature tearing it up in the parking lot of a Dollar Store, y'know? El Gog (as he's known) has told the tale that one time he inserted a cat in this so-called Eight Track Player of his and SWEARS up and down that he heard five different Tracy Chapman songs come out of it--one after the other. Now I'm certainly no felinist or vet tech or musicologist or whatever but it kinda stretches the bounds of reality when he makes claims like that. Is he trying to make me believe (make believe, more like it) that the DNA of cats is somehow encoded with the music of TC? If that's the case, we might have a strong argument FOR Creative Design versus Darwinism, eh?


Wednesday, September 28, 2005

The Not Compliment: Selective Definitions

An exchange from today:

Co-worker: Tony, you look hot today.

Me (blush): Well, thanks...I try to take care of myself...y'know; exercise, proper loofa-ing, high count Kegel-ing, and so on.

Co-worker (now blushing herself): Er. I actually meant that you looked 'Hot' in the warm sense...the sweater you're wearing looks warm...y'know?

Me: That's okay...always the bridesmaid's ugly step-child.


Tuesday, September 27, 2005

Pray For Mojo*

Here's a brief glimpse into my relationship with my mother, the Cathoholic:

"Hi, Tony, this is your mother. Say, your father has to go in for an MRI tomorrow and I was wondering if you could pray for him or WHATEVER IT IS YOU DO THESE DAYS** that he'll be okay? Okay. I'll talk to you soon."

*My father does, in fact, look like a monkey...actually...more to the point...a monkey that looks like Popeye...only my father was in the Army and not the Navy...but...he is what he is.

**Dear Ruthie (or my father has pronounced it all the years they've been together) is still pissed that all of the Catholic edu-muh-cation/indoctrination she attempted to steep me in during my youth (or YOOT...again, dear Jim's way with the lingo) didn't take/stain me. She's certain that I'm going to Hell and, as implied by the above actual quote from her from the message she left on my voice mail, strongly suspects that I'm a practicing pagan/wiccan and more than likely know my way around a sacrificial altar and/or ceremonial bloodletting pit. The fact that she'd even want me to tap into my Dark Sources to insure my father will be well...well...that doesn't bode well as to how he's actually doing or what she suspects might be going on (not that she has any real background to make any kinda sane diagnosis...all her medical knowledge has been derived from CBS's stable of daytime soaps).

'Course, she's always been a touch MeloDramatic.

Either way, I'm talking to Beezlebubba later today.


Monday, September 26, 2005

Helpin' Hagar: Wunnerin' 'bout zee French

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'Mag-nuh-fee-kway' is, whaddayacallit, French for 'Fuckin A right Bay-bee,' wee-wee? T

Thursday, September 22, 2005

What would you do if you were offered tickets to see:

Hall and Oates shot from a cannon into a net filled with cupcakes


the corpse of Robert Urich reanimated and made to star in a Broadway production of his former show VEGAS

and you could only pick one?

Seems obvious to me that the obvious choice is the Pop Duo, post-launch, landing safely in a plethora of pastries...but I'm sure there are plenty of folk that would swing for Zombie Dan Tanna.



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Kicking back in my cabin, planning on a relaxin' evening watchin' the Criterion Special Edition of STROKER ACE with my schnoodle-moffit, fresh tin of Kodiak at hand, my tricked out Vacuum Spittoon nearby--and by 'tricked out' I mean not only will it willingly accept my 'baccy-infused-salivary emissions but it will ALSO tell me the time, play my audiobook of my good friend Michael Landon reading the complete works of VC Andrews (especially stirring are his recitations of the passages involving any type of blood ingestion...something I heard he had personally experimented with and took voraciously to on the set of his program Highway to Heaven), AND repel up to 2500 forms of intergalactic Clap--when it dawned on me that for as worldly that I am, I have never been a big fan of humorous puppets...hell...puppets in general, to be quite honest. I 'spect it has something to do with the fact that I can't help but think about how damn Sweaty a fellow's fist would get crammed up into one of them wacky cloth and rubber constructs every time I sees one on the vid-screen. Sweaty Fist Thoughts running through yer brain will put any man ('cept maybe Henson and Oz) offa any form o' HAHA, you comprende? Which I s'pose goes a long way to 'splaining the omnipresent sour puss on my horse breeder, Ulysses 'Forearm Stains' Flaxthrush.

Proof that Puppets are NOT Universally Enjoyed

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Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Music Recommendation Overheard at Work

"...because if you like Aerosmith I think you'll really like Ted Nugent. He's not as...uhm...DEEP as them lyrically or anything but if you like that bluesy rock than you'll like him."

I shit you not.

I heard THIS this morning (around 10 AM or so). The fellow making the recommendation (to, I should say, a youngish lass of about 25) even mentioned The Nuge's "Wang-Dang-Sweet-Poon-Tang" as one particular tune she might/should enjoy BUT, instead of telling her the entire ACTUAL name of said tune, amended it simply to "Wang-Dang."

Y'know...cute-sifies the song a bit, don't it?


Gives the impression that the song is kinda Seussian, eh?

Wouldn't want to offend her sensibilities by dropping a slang term for the vagina to a soon-to-be-indoctrinated 'new' fan to Ted, would ya?

Of course not.

There were any number of ways I could have interjected myself into this conversation but I decided to refrain from some of the more 'controversial' bits about Ted, his music, his politics, his bow-hunting, his voracious carnivore-iousness, his Jingo-centric worldview, et cetera and offered up the following tidbit to the lass once the recommendee had ended his Nugent propaganda schpiel:

"Oh, can you NOT like this guy? Afterall, he used to arrive on-stage by swinging in on a rope Tarzan-Style clad only in a loin cloth."

Her eyes got a bit big to this piece of trivia...

I'm sure she rushed out immediately after work to find a fresh copy of GONZO LIVE or WEEKEND WARRIOR in which to immerse herself.

True Story.

Swear to Ted.


Monday, September 19, 2005

TLPHOLG: A Positive about your Disfigurement

Image hosted by're welcome, I guess...but I wasn't really paying you a compliment when I noted that the top of your bean was 'concave like a birdbath' but it's nice that you think of your stylized noodle in such a positive light. I s'pose, if push comes to shove you could hire yourself out as a traveling fondue bowl or something. Actually, now that I think about it, I could talk to some of Galactica's engineers and see if we could wire up that head of your's and turn you into a sentient crock pot. And it just so happens I have a party coming up next week and, if you ain't adverse with my men and I tampering with your head, you CERTAINLY wouldn't mind if I melt Velveeta in your concave skull, right? Cuz it just so happens that I am still in need of a vessel from which to serve my patented Dumb Guy Dip and all...

Friday, September 16, 2005

An Apology for Implying that a Noted Actor had his 'Way' with a Toy Oven

It all started off innocently enough when I dropped this message to a fan of Jean Michel Jarre (when he implied that said artist got 'more tail than Yanni'):

I'll concede this point as this has been a Hot Topic within Noodley Musique community for years. However, the question we should Now focus on, and bear with me here, is this:

Has Jarre gotten more tail than Joe Don Baker?

Taken at face value, it would be hard to argue against Joe Don...boy's Brute Force with a Badge, dig? He was amassing tail 'points' years before Jarre doodled his plans for the very first Space Harp.

Hell, I'd wager that Joe Don Baker had sexual congress WITH the Space Harp backstage atop a Marshall Amp, it's dainty legs pointing skywards, prior to its debut.

That's why ya gotta be careful around a fellow like Mister Baker. Never know when an 'urge' is gonna take him over.

I was then corrected with the following reply:

first of all, it's a Laser Harp, not a Space Harp, and like i said before, it's a rarely used thing by Jarre, compared to all the other synthesizers and instruments he uses....

and second, i'm sure Jarre got more tail than whoever the hell you were talking about above.......

It was at this point that I got a little carried away and spun a lil yarn:

Well, first of all, Joe Don Baker isn't the kind of actor to ask for names first...'specially when he's banging something backstage before a concert.

Space Harp...Laser Harp...heck, if they were twins Joe Don would of had them both AT THE SAME TIME.

C''s Joe Don Baker!!!

(the image to the left was taken of JDB having 'relations' with a Hasbro Easy-Bake Oven which he SOMETIMES called 'Muffin')

And followed up on this fellow's line that Jarre got more tail then Baker with this:

Not according to this Easy Bake Oven (who wishes to remain nameless)

"He...sniff...took me from behind and...and...broke my next three batches of cupcakes smelled of Pabst Blue Ribbon..."

So, if this false rumor gets out into the mainstream media and gains traction as truth, derailing JDB's career and causing worldwide sales of Easy Bake Ovens to now know it's all my fault.


Thursday, September 15, 2005

TLPHOLG: I SAID I was Fucking Sorry, Sheesh!

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Look, you were standing right next to the goddamn luggage and shit; I don't think it's too much of a stretch on my part that I assumed you were the freakin' Bwana for this safari. Y'know, Bwana-by-Proxy? Hell, look at the pipes on look like you know your way around carrying shit for'd even make Hoss cry in his sleeves if he ever caught sight of 'em.

Wednesday, September 14, 2005


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Enough with all the trophies, wall plaques, memorial obelisks, stylized menhirs, carved butter heads in my likeness, and the like...if you really want to honor your favorite Commander and all the derring deeds I've accomplished over our Space romp, countlessly pulling your respective asses out of the fire, consider this: Create and name a new sausage to honor me. Don't really care what kinda meat it is (well, other than Angiaglorken...shit's foul and causes Horsehead Nebulonic Plague in over 1550 known humanoid species) but be sure, IF you follow through with this idea of mine, that it's (kaff) a length Befitting a Man of my stature and, heh, girth. I figure something comparable in size to the thigh of a Bbblllrrrggghhhian Ungulant, eh? Heh. That'll shame Ol' Tiberius right out of his girdle. T

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

TLPHOLG: Inspirational Accoutrements

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Right out of the stargate I have tah say that tampering with another man's kite is's like intentionally giving an STD to someone's stevedore via a tainted feather boa or--I dunno--wearing a silly hat in the tub while singing along to a third generation bootleg copy of Arlo Guthrie's folky renditions of Andrew Lloyd Weber's 'Jesse Crisco, Soup or Star,' or some such shit. And hanging a string of link sausages off of it...I mean...c'mon!!!

Wednesday, September 07, 2005


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Folk just 'sume since I'm interstellarly known as the 'BadAssStar Galactica' that I'm familiar with most aliens lifeforms and other 'sorted space galoots. Case in point; for whatever reason of late, lil' buckaroos keep inquirin' of me on what in tarnation do them Sand People look like under their face rags. How the flippin' gundark should I know? Does I looks like the type of Commander that 'Swings the Gaffi Stick' thatta way? That I'm KEEN on Unspooling the Head Swaddlin' of a Sith-Be-Damned Tusken Raider? Eff that noise, youngsters. Eff. That. Noise. I'd be more damn concerned about what them bastards will do to ya if they ever got their mitts on ya instead of what their desert-planet-ravaged countenances LOOK LIKE. I s'pose you little 'uns are going to tell me you've never heard the expression 'Straddlin' the Bantha?' It don't just mean hitching a ride on a hairy elephantine beast, if you catch the euphemism...

Just Add Water and They'll Make Their Own Sauce

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Well, let's hope the hell not. Keep your ladles away from the Ghost Boobs, kids. That ectoplasmatic ooze seeping forth ain't gravy...

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

LPHOLG: Too Much TVLand

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Look, I'm pretty damn sure you must have read the credits wrong; the theme song to TV's M.A.S.H was "Suicide is Painless" and NOT "Suicide is PANTSLESS." While I agree that there's a good possibility that Trapper, Hawkeye, BJ, and so on went sans trousers under their robes during filming that's not a strong enough argument to convince me otherwise. Sure, yes...Jamie Farr WAS pantsless on most of the episodes...wll you please SHUT UP!!!

Thursday, September 01, 2005

Exposing the Youth to the Wonders of Foghat

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