Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Today in Salacious Zoo Activities

Brachiate over thissa way said the Swarthy Dago, Slick Unibrow waggling in a manner reminscent of Joe Cocker imitating bacon sizzling on a 60 Watt Lightbulb. The orangutan continued licking his lower digits...

Friday, September 17, 2010

Fun with Cow-Orkers of Recent Vintage

Cow-Orker: Need to have my gutters fixed.
TIP: Mmm hmm. Neighbor's been having trouble with his.
Cow-Orker: How so?
TIP: He keeps shitting in them.
Cow-Orker: What?
TIP: He shits in his gutters. Says it's a thing or whatever.
Cow-Orker: Thing?
TIP: Sy-Colon-itis.
Cow-Orker: Bullshit.
TIP: Depends on his previous meals.
Cow-Orker (leaves)

ow-Orker: Where's your degree from?
TIP: Porcine University.
Cow-Orker: Where's that located?
TIP: Hamburg, Germany.
Cow-Orker: Oh, you studied overseas?
TIP: Yep.

Cow-Orker: You look angry.
TIP: No. This is my face at rest.
Cow-Orker: So you look angry all the time?
TIP: Would you like me to shave a smile into my facial hair? I could be Reverse Hobo Clown Face Lad.
Cow-Orker: You are mad.
TIP: Now.

Cow-Orker: I didn't want to leave my boyfriend in downtown Minneapolis without any money or a working cellphone.
TIP: Indeed. Imagine your next talk beginning with, "Honey, what's White Slavery?"
Cow-Orker: ...
TIP: FINE! "Honey, what's Indentured Servitude?" Better?
Cow-Orker: ...

Cow-Orker: I used to love reading Omni Magazine.
Cow-Orker II: Did you know that magazine was published by the same people as Penthouse?
Cow-Orker: Heh. Did it have a Omni Forum Column?
TIP: Yes. I remember one. "Dear Omni Forum. I was in orbit between Mars and Jupiter and decided to plook an Asteroid..."

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

To whom it may concern,

If you happen to overhear someone mention their 'Time in the Pokey' there's a strong possibility that they mean incarceration and not their short-lived career as a Gumby Steed Impersonator.



Thursday, September 09, 2010

Zappa Dream

Last night/this morning I had a dream that involved me being a member of Zappa's band during his tour in support of the above album (renamed in the dream as Cruising with Ruben and the TIPs). Frank was conducting rehearsals and teaching each of his band members some dance moves. He turns to me (at one point) and says:
"Don't get all Fosse on me, TIP."
And then I woke up.