Friday, June 30, 2006

More Superman Inspired TIPs

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Tuesday, June 27, 2006

TIP as young Kal-El's Codpiece

In honor of the release of SUPERMAN RETURNS

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Many thanks to AAlgar for such...somethingsomething use of my mug.


Monday, June 26, 2006

The latest Batch of 'Interesting Searches" that erroneously Brought Folk Here

Elongated Nipples

Not the first time that someone out there in the Great Wide World has been brought to my corner of the 'Net on a search for their very specialized taste in lengthy nipples. Now it IS possible that this person is actually looking for a modified top for a Baby's Bottle (perhaps the child in question finds suckling from overly-long nips an easier endeavor than your typical 'normal' sized ones...kinda like Bendy Straws for the Toddler-set) but my inclination is to believe that a search for "elongated nipples"
is actually some fellow's attempts at satiating a Wank Urge with appropos Visual Assistance (per however it is their synapses are wired).

Axel Foley Greasy Froggy

This is a Real Bamboozler. I know that Axel Foley is the character portrayed by Eddie Murphy in the BEVERLY HILLS COPs films...but the Collision of this fictitious character with a lubed up mean it's possible that this phrase "Greasy Froggy" is a quote from one of the movies that I don't recall...or maybe the person in question meant to type in "Crazy Frog" and get the Axel F ringtone for their phone. I just don't know. Was there ever any Gere-ian rumor with Murphy involving a frog (in lieu of a gerbil)?

Dirty Sanchez Temporary Tattoo

Well, well, well. Proving once again that Reality is often times far Funnier than anything I can make up, someone was actually looking for THIS?!? Imagine that thought process:

"You know...I really LIKE the look of Poop smeared across the upper lip in the shape of a Handle-Bar 'stache but am NOT a big fan of the smell. How might I address this...I've got it!!! Temporary Tattoos!!!"


Saturday, June 24, 2006

For the Foodly-Challenged

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Wednesday, June 21, 2006

TIP: Big in Japan

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Tuesday, June 20, 2006

I am Not your Luau

Hiding Pop Tarts in one's hip pockets will NOT cook/bake/toast said Breakfast Items in a manner akin to burying a Pig in the Ground prior to a Luau, my ambient 'ass-heat' be damned. So whichever of you Oddball Prankster(s) with Questionable Palates can Stop Secreting them in there any ol' time. I don't care if this was written up in Redbook Or if fucking Heloise herself said it makes for a Delightful AM Derriere is No Man/Woman's Oven.

Get it?


Wednesday, June 14, 2006

One Young Mother's Comment about Her Brood's Choice in Favored Squatting Locations

"He has an obsession with sitting on Shane's head."

Presumably the Shane in question is either the Mother's boyfriend/husband/father of the Wee One AND has a Face/Head Area deemed suitable for Sitting by at least One Youngster.

*cue Frank Zappa song Ride My Face To Chicago for ambience.


Friday, June 09, 2006

Potential Pants Whoring?

Today at the lil' superette I stop at to get my morning coffee the following conversation happened:

Trouser Admirer: Goodness. Are you wearing linen pants?

Me (startled): Er...yes?

Trouser Admirer: My, my, my...wouldn't expect a person your age to appreciate fine linen pants.

Me (Why not leap into the Too Much Information Pool?): Heh. Y'see, I hate 'regular' pants on hot days; they make my ass sweat. Linen pants...'breathe' better...discouraging butt perspiration.

Trouser Admirer: Yes they do, yes they do. You know, I'm so impressed by your choice in pants I'm going to pay for your coffee.

Me (Free Coffee!!!): That's awfully kind of you but I can't let you do that. I appreciate the Slacks Compliment and all...

Trouser Admirer: I insist.

Me (this is beyond weird now): No. Again, very generous but I'm not comfortable with an exchange of a cup of coffee for a total stranger ogling my pants.

Trouser Admirer: In that case I hope you burst your inseam when you are at work and embarrass yourself in front of your co-workers when your...'stuff' falls out!

Me (heh): Oddly enough, I'm a professional Male Stripper.

Trouser Admirer: !!!!

And leaves.

I'm happy to report that my pants did not succumb to this Trouser Admirer's 'hex' and they are now safely awaiting a washing in the laundry room.


Thursday, June 08, 2006

Today's Overheard Garment Discussion

Person One: I like purple.

Person Two: Yeah, I get a lot of these iridescent shirts at Kohl's.

Me (passing by the lunchroom where the chat is happening and under my breath): ohforfuck'ssake.


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

TIP's Giant Head versus the Late Show Marquee

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Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Examples of Unimpressive Braggadocio

I know how to say SHITPANTS in Finnish.

I ain't no Mamby-Pamby. Didn't even shed a tear when they tore down my favorite Taco Bell and replaced it with an Burrito Escape Hatch.

This Chamber Pot here, once used by John Wayne on the set of TRUE GRIT (I have a Certificate of Authenticity), puts the entirety of your Thimble Collection to shame...unless some other Western Star used 'em all as lil' Piss Cups, which I doubt...and I still don't believe that Texas one of your's actually passed through Yul Brynner's GI when he was filming WESTWORLD.

I only wear pleather pants and the ladies appreciate the look AND the sound of them...especially when I'm Do-Si-Do-ing. That...that is the sound of a Real Man.

My Tinker ancestry has opened doors that your Bohemian Blood wouldn't be able to find in the dark even if it were mixed with Scent Hound DNA!

They call me the Perspiration Tsunami cuz I can sluice through 3 medically prescribed sweatbands during a marathon game of Dance Dance Revolution.

Spent a better part of the early 90s as a roadie for Rick Astley and then graduated up to personally handling Phil Collins' schnoodles when he was on tour. That's right, Phil Mother-Fucking Collin's Schnoodles, jackass.

Ya ever hear of Pubic Topiary? I originated that art form.

Garrison Keillor modelled the look of his Neck after mine.

Survived a Hot Gravy Scalding thanks to my ESP and Lightning Fast Hips.

This extra knuckle means I can roll pennies like I work at the US Mint and it also proves useful when ya find yourself choking on a portobello mushroom steak.

Some souses see Pink Elephants when they're Juiced Up; I see Lemur-weilding Rodeo Clowns with Bronson 'staches prominently displayed. Real 'staches...not yer typical painted-on-Clown-'staches.

I can Armpit Squeak all 9 of Beethoven's Symphonies

My rain gutters double as food troughs for flying pigs AND pegasi.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Bram Stoker Wept

I recently took note of a fellow wearing an ancient and threadbare DIVER DOWN Van Halen tour shirt and, since I was feeling a bit chatty (how odd), I decided to engage him in conversation about the band's rotating cast of lead singers and, of the three (Roth, Hagar, Cherrone) which one he preferred.

Me: Hey, man, a Diver Down shirt. Looks like an original. You a fan of the David Lee Roth led version of the band?

Fan (startled): What do you mean?

Me (perplexed): Well, you're wearing a t-shirt with the album art for Van Halen's DIVER DOWN which is an album (and tour dates from 1982) of their's that David Lee Roth was still the frontman for ' I figured you must be a fan of the original incarnation of Van Halen.

Fan (more confused): ...

Me (oh...for God's Sake...why did I start this 'conversation?'): The band...Van Halen...their name is right on your shirt.

Fan: You want it? Gimme something for it.

Me (what...we've leapt right to bartering? I don't want to see this guy shirtless and I definitely do not want an obviously used 'top'): No. No, I was simply wondering if...

Fan: S' rumor 'bout garlic warding 'em's really celery that does the trick. Makes sure the piece is pointy.

Me (...the Hell?!? I could imagine Michael Anthony being afraid of Celery): What does garlic and/or celery have to do with Van Halen?!?

Fan: And don't never invite them into your apartment or rambler. You're shit outta luck then (starts making slurping noises).

Me (oh...maybe a slight issue with his auditory senses): VAN HALEN...NOT VAMPIRE. I was wondering about your VAN HALEN SHIRT (I point at his shirt). I'm pretty damn sure they've nothing to do with Vampirism.

Fan (finally catches on): This thing? Ah, man...some guy I know gave me this shirt cuz he knows I like snorkeling. Pretty sure they ain't aquatic; least I ain't never seen none underwater. Not sure if they needs to breathe or not.

Me: ...


Friday, June 02, 2006

Not the Response you'd Expect when Inquiring as to Why Someone's Belt Looks 'Puffy'

"Would you find it especially odd to learn that I keep Miracle Whip in my Money Belt? What if, say, I come upon a person in Dressing Distress, hmm? What about that? Hadn't thought about THAT scenario, did ya? I did! I'm like a modern day Johnny Appleseed that way...only with a kinda Utility Belt filled with a Mayo-esque concoction keeping my pants up AND random folk's sandwiches properly slathered. It's a calling, really. You're a fucking Commie if you think otherwise...that or you've got some sort of Delicious Gene Deficiency laced throughout your Obviously sub-par Genome."