Tuesday, May 31, 2005

A new term to add to your vernacular to impress/confuse/outrage friends and family members

Piss Artist:
According to our friends in the UK this denotes a habitual drunkard and/or time waster and not, as one might initially believe, a 'golden' artisan...although I do suspect there are some that will/would claim this title as their own as evidenced by the plethora of pee sites that can be found out here on the Net.


Monday, May 30, 2005

Suggested Slogan Idea for Duluth, MN's Aerial Lift Bridge's Centennail this year


Oh, heh heh heh...I crack myself up sometimes.


Thursday, May 26, 2005

Cambodian Midget Fighting League: Purely Bogus yet Highly Entertaining


Someone should come up with some jerseys to market for this faux-league, eh?


Friday, May 20, 2005

Matriarch has STAR WARS related Question...Leaves the Following on my Voicemail (no kidding):

"Hey, Tony…this is mom. I was just wondering; you saw Star Wars, right? Will you please tell me what made Darth Vader turn to the Black Side? It’s driving me crazy…"


Wednesday, May 18, 2005

TIP is not the Hulk as rendered by The Kraken

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Monday, May 16, 2005

Actual Jottings found on Post-It Notes piled next to my Computer at Home

Believe it or not, I sometimes actually take notes on funny phrases or dumb-ass ideas or whatever for this not-so-very-often-visited blog (note to self...I SUCK!!!) and plan on fleshing them out for an entry here. What follows are just as the post title indicates...some make absolutely no sense to me now either.

Rejected Pope Name: Popeye/Pope-ye, Ron Mexico

Best Job in Religion: Vatican Chimney Guy

When the going get peckish, the famished make booya

Smurfs that were exiled from Smurf Village

Recent Quized I refused to take: What's your viscosity?

Holistic Cutlery

Wookie Commentary of the DVD releases of the Star Wars films...good idea?

"I'm sorry about the dogs in skirts bookmarks I glued to your toaster..."

New Gambling superstitions: Letting a vagrant 'stew' your crap dice in his pockets

Bad Ideas in Personalized License Plates: i8LADS

Bad Mindreaders: "Your dog needs...needs...his own rake."

T. Rex's 'Telegram Sam' Whatever happened to those guys he sang about?

The Penguin Oracle: Ask Pengy

Father's Illicit Icelandic Porn Collection/Bjorkin' Off

What's in your crawlspace? Plastic Feet, Girl Scouts, Life-Sized Precious Moments figures, hobbit costume, et cetera

Legendary Battles: Paul Bunyon versus the Yeti

Ape Justice Jersey

"I've got a sneakin' feeling that someone's talking shit about my gallbladder...like I've got a Spider Sense or something."

Waterlogged Fruit: The Ballad of...

Why's the Abacus sticky?

Dear Aunt Grenky needs a carton of smokes...

"I won't use your hubcap bowl..."

Why do you smell like swine?

"Whatcha eating? I ask cuz it reminds me of this job I had at a tannery."

Tusken Raider poetry?

Hitchin' up your 'cool pants'

Sophocles Cockels...Sop-Hockels...

"If my name were Consuela, I'd dance around a hat; if my name was Hogarth..."

New Fangled Sex Move: The moaning Zombie


Friday, May 13, 2005

Bludgeoned with a Sausage?!?

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Thursday, May 12, 2005

Astronaut and Monkeynaut: Lunar Love Adventures?

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Tuesday, May 10, 2005

What's this E-mail's Subject Line trying to Tell Me?

An actual e-mail that appeared mystically in my junk mail folder:

"We can sheep you retaail errection mads thayer"

Right out of the sheepfold...er...gate I noted the presence of 'sheep' and 'errection' (sic AND sick!) and was immediately put off my morning cup o' joe. Two terms most normal, non-beastiality-inclined folk don't want to see in a tag-team situation are those that denote Ovinic beasts and boners. Couple this with the implication that whomever sent me this ('Mads Thayer?' Scott Thayer is a favorite author of mine but I doubt he supplements his scribblings in the area of animal seduction so that can't be the person in question. Is he/she clinically nuts or, perhaps, 'Mads' is short for Madeline, Madison, Madley, or MadeitwithaBaaBaa?) was also quite capable/willing to SELL me said 'errection' (implied by the RETAIL with an extra A...and that extra vowel kinda makes one want to say RETAIL like a sheep; 'BAA! BAA! RetAAil!' Which, come to think of it, might be a slang term for taking a sheep twice in the backside!?!).

What made this entity think this might interest me? I haven't (in recent memory) visited any Sheep Sex sites (promise) and, regardless of my proclivities (which, I assure you, do not involve arousal at the site of anything OTHER than human females), I certainly have no problem (yet) with reaching an erect state (something to look forward to?).

So, I have to pass on this salacious offer.

And what the hell is an ERRECTION? An engorged penis mistake? A misidentified stiffie?


I get it.

An ERRECTION is a flacid ding dong. Hence the 'aid.'


*not EWE!!!

Thursday, May 05, 2005

Them some wiggley eyebrows ya gots there, son

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Tuesday, May 03, 2005

The Fugitive: FOUND!
Update to 4/28/05 Blog Entry

Here's the resolution to the case of the missing hamster as we were updated via e-mail mere moments ago

"News Flash - Escaped Hamster caught after short period on the loose.

The escaped hamster who goes by the alias' "Maggie the Rodent" or "The Pocket Pet Houdini" has been safely recaptured and returned to her cage. The all out hamster hunt has since been called off and the investigation into the cause of the escape has begun. Initially it was thought that Maggie had help from the rabbits, but under the pressure of interrogation we have yet to make them crack. As of now they are silent, but suspicious looking. Maggie was recovered in the additional storage area behind the Vet Tech kennels where she made a nice little nest and had planned on hiding until her could get word to her family and a rescue could be planned. Thanks to all who worked so diligently to take her alive, you have done a good service to the school and can currently be rewarded by getting some cake from the front desk (with or without flowers) in celebration of your good deeds - and National Law Day."


Monday, May 02, 2005

Excerpts from discarded Customer Comment cards from an area buffet

"...and it appeared that someone had turned my tuba--an instrument near and dear to my heart and a crucial item in my ability to feed my four children, three pugoodles, and second wife, Lorraine, as I am a studio and street corner musician/performer--into an extremely expensive chamber pot while I was away from my table and at your salad bar for a second serving of iceberg lettuce, radishes (good for a horn-players lung capacity according to my mentor, Lips McGhoul--a name you might recognize from the minor hit song he and his band, the Little Boy Blown, had in the late 50s, 'Limping Lee Takes Third'), and a hefty helping of your restaurants area-reknowned Ranch dressing. Fortunately for you and your business it turned out to be, after a few moments close inspection, sniffing, and a taste test that said subtance was in fact gravy and not the liquidy expellent from the bowels of what would most certainly have to be one very ill-in-the-tummy human being. With the viscous fluid identified I can only surmise that the culprit was one of your employees as evidenced by the sheer volume of gravy used to fill my tuba (my best guesstimate is 3 and 1/2 gallons); who else would have access to a quantity of this size?"

(continued on a second Comment Card)

"You are also lucky that I hadn't been wearing my giant orang costume or I strongly suspect that a similar ill-deed would have also been enacted to the interior of the headpiece (a costume monkey head, in the mind of this miscreant, would most certainly have appealled to his/her criminally base instincts as a suitably appropriate secondary 'gravy train' to compliment my already besmirched tuba...which, if you're interested--and I strongly suspect you're callous enough to Not care--goes by the handle 'Julio Tubalo' and has been in my family for three--count them--THREE generations and was originally purchased by my great grandfather when he began earning a living as 'Christoff the Tin-Earred Were-Badger' on the Roving Manimal Entertainers circuit popular in the Rust Belt in that age long gone by) and, possibly, the torso portion of said garb. You'd be surprised at how popular I am at children's parties; the kids love a horn-playing simian, goddamit, and a gravy-soaked costume/tuba combo would have lost me business (i.e. Moolah) AND, subsequently, amass more debt in dry-cleaning/wringing/draining bills. So, in this, you are very, very fortunate."

(continued on a napkin affixed to the second Comment Card with a bent fork)

"In light of this act I expect a public apology from the felon (once identified) and 300 dollars in Gift Cards for your restaurant. If these conditions are met I will not notify the authorities nor the owners of the buffet chain. It's a good thing that public floggings are no longer allowed as I know may way around whips and cat-o-nine tails (another talent passed along by my diversely trained family members and also a key part of my late uncle Yuri's 'Lemur-Lad the Flagellator' act)..."