Excerpts from discarded Customer Comment cards from an area buffet
"...and it appeared that someone had turned my tuba--an instrument near and dear to my heart and a crucial item in my ability to feed my four children, three pugoodles, and second wife, Lorraine, as I am a studio and street corner musician/performer--into an extremely expensive chamber pot while I was away from my table and at your salad bar for a second serving of iceberg lettuce, radishes (good for a horn-players lung capacity according to my mentor, Lips McGhoul--a name you might recognize from the minor hit song he and his band, the Little Boy Blown, had in the late 50s, 'Limping Lee Takes Third'), and a hefty helping of your restaurants area-reknowned Ranch dressing. Fortunately for you and your business it turned out to be, after a few moments close inspection, sniffing, and a taste test that said subtance was in fact gravy and not the liquidy expellent from the bowels of what would most certainly have to be one very ill-in-the-tummy human being. With the viscous fluid identified I can only surmise that the culprit was one of your employees as evidenced by the sheer volume of gravy used to fill my tuba (my best guesstimate is 3 and 1/2 gallons); who else would have access to a quantity of this size?"
(continued on a second Comment Card)
"You are also lucky that I hadn't been wearing my giant orang costume or I strongly suspect that a similar ill-deed would have also been enacted to the interior of the headpiece (a costume monkey head, in the mind of this miscreant, would most certainly have appealled to his/her criminally base instincts as a suitably appropriate secondary 'gravy train' to compliment my already besmirched tuba...which, if you're interested--and I strongly suspect you're callous enough to Not care--goes by the handle 'Julio Tubalo' and has been in my family for three--count them--THREE generations and was originally purchased by my great grandfather when he began earning a living as 'Christoff the Tin-Earred Were-Badger' on the Roving Manimal Entertainers circuit popular in the Rust Belt in that age long gone by) and, possibly, the torso portion of said garb. You'd be surprised at how popular I am at children's parties; the kids love a horn-playing simian, goddamit, and a gravy-soaked costume/tuba combo would have lost me business (i.e. Moolah) AND, subsequently, amass more debt in dry-cleaning/wringing/draining bills. So, in this, you are very, very fortunate."
(continued on a napkin affixed to the second Comment Card with a bent fork)
"In light of this act I expect a public apology from the felon (once identified) and 300 dollars in Gift Cards for your restaurant. If these conditions are met I will not notify the authorities nor the owners of the buffet chain. It's a good thing that public floggings are no longer allowed as I know may way around whips and cat-o-nine tails (another talent passed along by my diversely trained family members and also a key part of my late uncle Yuri's 'Lemur-Lad the Flagellator' act)..."
T
"...and it appeared that someone had turned my tuba--an instrument near and dear to my heart and a crucial item in my ability to feed my four children, three pugoodles, and second wife, Lorraine, as I am a studio and street corner musician/performer--into an extremely expensive chamber pot while I was away from my table and at your salad bar for a second serving of iceberg lettuce, radishes (good for a horn-players lung capacity according to my mentor, Lips McGhoul--a name you might recognize from the minor hit song he and his band, the Little Boy Blown, had in the late 50s, 'Limping Lee Takes Third'), and a hefty helping of your restaurants area-reknowned Ranch dressing. Fortunately for you and your business it turned out to be, after a few moments close inspection, sniffing, and a taste test that said subtance was in fact gravy and not the liquidy expellent from the bowels of what would most certainly have to be one very ill-in-the-tummy human being. With the viscous fluid identified I can only surmise that the culprit was one of your employees as evidenced by the sheer volume of gravy used to fill my tuba (my best guesstimate is 3 and 1/2 gallons); who else would have access to a quantity of this size?"
(continued on a second Comment Card)
"You are also lucky that I hadn't been wearing my giant orang costume or I strongly suspect that a similar ill-deed would have also been enacted to the interior of the headpiece (a costume monkey head, in the mind of this miscreant, would most certainly have appealled to his/her criminally base instincts as a suitably appropriate secondary 'gravy train' to compliment my already besmirched tuba...which, if you're interested--and I strongly suspect you're callous enough to Not care--goes by the handle 'Julio Tubalo' and has been in my family for three--count them--THREE generations and was originally purchased by my great grandfather when he began earning a living as 'Christoff the Tin-Earred Were-Badger' on the Roving Manimal Entertainers circuit popular in the Rust Belt in that age long gone by) and, possibly, the torso portion of said garb. You'd be surprised at how popular I am at children's parties; the kids love a horn-playing simian, goddamit, and a gravy-soaked costume/tuba combo would have lost me business (i.e. Moolah) AND, subsequently, amass more debt in dry-cleaning/wringing/draining bills. So, in this, you are very, very fortunate."
(continued on a napkin affixed to the second Comment Card with a bent fork)
"In light of this act I expect a public apology from the felon (once identified) and 300 dollars in Gift Cards for your restaurant. If these conditions are met I will not notify the authorities nor the owners of the buffet chain. It's a good thing that public floggings are no longer allowed as I know may way around whips and cat-o-nine tails (another talent passed along by my diversely trained family members and also a key part of my late uncle Yuri's 'Lemur-Lad the Flagellator' act)..."
T
posted by Tony at 6:04 PM
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