Tuesday, April 05, 2005

PETA's Next Member or a Fume-Addled Boob?

Smedley, ya ever read that Ebbie White book, Charles Otto's Web?



Whatever, 'Pig Book Expert Man.' So, obviously, you've read it? Okay.

Just finished it last night waiting for the ol' battle-ass to pick me up at the depot. My bus from Poughkeepsie got in early, y'see, and the wife was probably still backcombing that ratnest on the top of her neck while I was sitting there reading. Wha? Yeah, for whatever reason she wants to look her 'best' whenever she picks me up at the bus station...I'm beginning to suspect she's delighted by the leers launched her way from the staff; whatever gets her poodle moistened, if you catch my drench. Anyhoo, back to that book I mentioned, the one about the talking pig and them other ant-trough-pour-more-fick animals really got me thinking about things like animal rights and shit like that. And after thinking about 'Some Pig' for a spell (and perhaps influenced by the exhaust fumes from all buses coming and going) came up with a way with saving swine and other beasts without trying to write words out with my ass (like that Charlie Otto in the story); an animal sanctuary. I'm gonna open one up. And here's the kicker...the animal sanctuary's going to be my stomach. Gonna have move into my belly to live safely ever after.


Well, sure, I'll have to eat 'em first or, really, swallow them whole...how else are they gonna get in there? Ya want me to install a doggie-door in my paunch--which is kinda a neat idea, come to think of it-- but I ain't got the right tools for the job...ever plumb a door in your gut? Didn't think so? Sure, I'm going to have to learn how to unhinge my jaw like a snake engorging itself on an ocelot but, as you know, I'm not to shabby in the Inhaling Things Larger than my Head department, y'know? Maybe put in some stables, cages, some pillows or that cast-off futon with the Rainbow Brite sheets I found behind Squeezin's Bar so their comfy in their new refuge and all. I might need to invest in a Medical Crowbar or something to pry some of the larger game in there...don't know if I could get my lips around a tapir without one...



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