Thursday, May 29, 2003

"Think I'm gonna git me one of dose Tattoos."
"Har! I can just 'magine you wit' one of dose dwarven manservants...need yer bell rung?"
"Yeah, Yeah...wise acre. A real symbolize me Mask-yule-In-itty. Take a gander at what I'mmo gettin'."
"Mmm...looks like a dog driving a moped."
"OH! And THAT isn't Manly tah you?!?"


Thursday, May 22, 2003

A bit from This Morning's Conversation with the Boss:

T(looking out window): Did it rain last night?
S: No.
T(looking again): It looks wet out there.
S: It didn't rain last night.
T(thinking): You watered the street and sidewalk down with the garden hose *Just* to confuse me!!!


Tuesday, May 20, 2003

Popsicle Rant:

Back in *my* day a lad could regularly score a Double-Sticked Popsicle from the nomadic Ice Cream Man...but not now.
OH this Age its all about One Stick which, naturally, discourages Sharing.

THAT is what's wrong with kids today--why they're so self-involved and ungenerous...and the Frozen Treat Industry is to blame, golldernnit!

(trying on my Old Man Guise for a trial-run)

Wednesday, May 14, 2003

Today at work:

Co-worker: I'm running to Rainbow you need anything?
Me (momentary pause to think): Yeah. I'm almost out of deodorant at home. Could you grab me some Right Guard?
Co-worker (not expecting *that* answer): No. I will *not* buy your deodorant for you.
Me (enjoying her response): No...really...I use the Scentless 'sport' kind. Not the stick or roll-on--that irritates my pits-- I use the aerosol.
Co-worker (flabbergasted): No.
Me (sniggering): Okay...but if I stink at work tomorrow the odiferous onus is on you (she's walking away). Watch out for my stink-lines!!!


Tuesday, May 13, 2003

I saw a guy walking through the commons area at my place of employment with 'edited' Levi's

"Edited Levi's?!?" you're asking yourself.

That's right; on the traditional LEVI'S tag (located on back of the pants on the Belt-Line...which, per the Fashion Trends of the Day, relegates it to two feet below the 'ass-back' region) which displays the Inseam and Waist Size of the pants in question...there had been some modifications.

One can assume that these 'amendments' were done by the owner (and, usually, the Wearer...I don't hear much about Trousers being Loaned out to people...but it is possible that I don't run with the 'right people' and this is a commonality amongst them) for reasons entirely of his own devising.

He replaced the Inseam Measurement with the word "Yum."

I have no idea what that means and was not willing to inquire.

Best Guesses: A form of Advertisement or Declaration of Intent.

Sunday, May 11, 2003

My father retired many years ago and now spends some of his quality 'Golden' years working part-time at a local watering hole.

This is a job he takes *very* seriously.

SO seriously, in fact, that when he caught wind that a local Asian Restaurant was doing some remodelling he leapt (well...maybe more of a skip...I've never seen Jim get airborne under his own power) at the opportunity of acquiring some of the fixtures that were to be replaced.

Specifically...the Urinals (I wish I was kidding).

That's right-- Used Urinals.


To replace the Urinals at the Watering Hole he works at.

I've seen the pissers at this bar...there is nothing wrong with them that some Ajax, a large scouring pad, a fellow with Keen Janitorial Skills, and a free afternoon couldn't 'fix'.

However, mia padre didn't think that the folk at the restaurant would Up and let him Have the secondhand tinklers* if they knew that his Intentions were to have them transplanted to a bar's he made up a cover story.

Which is the following:

My father told them that he wanted to take the Urinals home and use them as Planters in his backyard.


As he told me this tale my dear Dear dad threw me a wink and said, "Dis way they'll never get suspicious."


(Truth is stranger--oft times--than Fiction, Indeed)

* Secondhand Tinklers sounds like some sort of strange Urine Reclamation Project or a new Boy Band Sensation coming to your area Mall soon-like.

Friday, May 09, 2003

Time Killer Suggestions #1

Attend a meat raffle
("...the fuck am I doing with all this ham?!?")

sell pencils at bus stops
("Whatchoo mean you ain't got no need fah pencils? You one of them Fancy Boys on the com-POOT-tear?")

apply for public assistance
("Seer-less-lee...I ain't had me no jab since double-aught six!!!")

call up your parents and tell them what you *really* think
(" When you bought me all them 'Black Hole' action figures for X-mas that one year...that was the best-est X-mas ever-er-er!"


Wednesday, May 07, 2003

Title I'll never be christened with:

Plant Sale Guru

"That feller sure knows his Loam! I purchased three sacks o' dirt on his say-so and I ain't got the foggiest idea-r what tah do with all that 'Mississippi Mud'."
"Down at the nursery, no one can Touch his 'Fragrance' with a ten foot sniffer."
"No one can move a pallet of bulbs like ol' so-and-so."
"Who knew that the juniper bush complimented my aura?"


Tuesday, May 06, 2003

Some Pet Peeves of mine:

Soup as the main course at the 'soup kitchen'...can't a man get a hoagie on occasion? I get it that it's called a SOUP kitchen...but I can see that there some other goodies in the back that I suspect that you're hording.

UPS delivery folk with it really necessary to take my pulse before handing over the package?

Adults with sock puppets at buffet-style restaurants....why? Why must you talk to the sneeze guard?
Get yer damn chicken-fried steak and taters and move on!!!

Teenagers with tiny heads and low-fitting *do* know that your lids make your domes comical, yes?

Inappropriate tattoos...Facial tats exclaiming superiority over all primates may *not* be what we want to see (although the scimatar-image is a nice touch)

People with oxygen tanks on wheels...OH! Aren't *you* fancy! Mister I-can-pay-for-High-Grade-Air while the rest of us are stuck sucking old-fashioned wind.

Over-zealous Shoe Store you really think I don't know my god damn shoe size? How about if I measure my tootsies in your ass?

My crazy neighbor, 'Shirtless Darryl'...I am not interested in hearing about your job at the airline again(as a baggage handler; which actually concerns me a great deal, come to think of it), quit leering at the 'boss' when she's gardening, and close your god damn drapes when you shower!!!

That's just for starters...
At the end of the week I celebrate the wholly unexpected fifth year of my marriage.
Whoa, indeed.

Aside #1: There are several folk out there that will lose some minor ching when the day dawns. Please keep the exchange in small bills or Paypal, if you have an account with them.

I recently suggested to the boss that she should come with something to do to mark the event...anything she'd want to do.

Aside #2: Other than the obligatory 'marital clinch' that is.

Sarah got back to me the other day, stating that we should do something, " we used to when we were dating."

Aside #3: It would seem that I have become less 'silly' over the years...that or all my material is stale when you've had to share an abode for half a decade. Probably *that* has something to do with it.

I mulled over this statement for a few moments and the following are the first few things that popped out of my maw (seriously). You'll see momentarily that they *all* seem very unlikely to be partaken of.

1. Price sod ("Hunh?!? That's really rolled up Grass? Like Carpeting? Get the fuck outta here!")
2. Go knock over a few of the neighbors' birdbaths and/or steal grills.
3. Go to a batting cage...hit a few out of the park.
4. Order a huge sandwich at a local deli and hand it off to the lankiest person within spitting distance.
5. Give money to a bum in exchange for his/her placard (i.e. Will work for food, Will wrestle for Grin, Will Ogle your bits for Free, et cetera)

Like that.

Yeah...dinner and a show it is (probably X2...a little Geek-Out to keep*real*)