Tuesday, September 28, 2004

'Splain that tah me again?

"Oh...er...I'm growin' out my beard to mask my double chin; I've put on a lil' weight in the few months and it makes me look silly."

"The beard or the extra chin?"

"The extra chin, wise guy...it moves on its own now...and apparently pulsates like a bull frog when I speak."

"Oh...and I s'pose exercisin' is out of the question and the camouflagin' whiskers is the easy way...or should I say WEIGH...out?"

"S'right...you know I was recently diagnosed with a glandular condition."

"Right, right. What about that paunch of your's that's starting to cast a shadow over your nether regions?"

"What about it?"

"Well...you could kill two birds with one beard if you go ZZ-Style with the chin hairs and let 'em grow long enough to cascade over that gut. No one would notice it then."

"Whatever. That's not very funny making fun of my medical woes."

"Ooo...instead of the long beard...you could let your pubes go, tease 'em up a la Robert Smith of The Cure and hide that belly behind a pubic hair hedge, in a manner of speaking."

"I hate you."

"Since we've covered your fat neck and stomach...let's talk about that ass of your's."


"I'm thinking (and, naturally, I'm no Queer Eye guy or nothin') some luxurious long locks may drape nicely over that caboose and shield innocent eyes from espyin' it...kinda like self-censoring...otherwise that back end of your's might end up (heh) with an NC-17 stamped on it. What do you think?"


"Hey...I'm just tryin' to help, 'Clapton'."


Monday, September 27, 2004

One Internet Poster's explanation of the Electoral College

"The electoral college prevents metropolitan areas from deciding an election. The needs of 8 million people on a small island in the northeast are vastly different than the needs of a family of goat fuckers in Idaho."

It all makes sense to me now.

(surely there's goat fuckers outside of Idaho, right? Anyone?)

Wednesday, September 22, 2004

The 'Boy, did I take that the wrong way' Question of the Day

"How often do you play with that Mister Potato Head down there?"

Not initially seeing the actual Mister Potato Head in the box of toys (that we keep to entertain the children that student's will bring along to their meetings from time to time) I briefly thought that the student was inquiring on the frequency of my self-pleasuring.



Tuesday, September 21, 2004

Request of the Day

From one of the fine posters over at the Brian Michael Bendis Message Board:

"Does anyone have a picture of a midget holding a bottle of lotion? I know.. I know. It's for a fantasy football story, I promise!"

The link to it is here:


Monday, September 20, 2004

Rejected Additions to the recent volume of HAPPINESS IS A WARM PUPPY


discovering that wristbands are included in your beer-making kit.

reinforced rivets and seams for your Plus-Sized dungarees.

registering as SUNDRIED BEFOULED UNION SUIT FETISHIST on a coin-operated Stink-O-Meter.

ditching the lifelong nickname of 'Gravy Boogers' via a now much-more-affordable rhinoplasty procedure.

a crash helmet worn during a Gourd and Concrete-Filled-Waders stunt.

a free hair-pick from a chance encounter with a nomadic hair-stylist.


Wednesday, September 15, 2004

In Certain Situations it is A-OK to Lie to the Janitor
an actual conversation I had to day with 'the help'

Janitor: Hey. How ya doing today? What was that student's name you were just working with?Me: I'm fine and WHAT?
Janitor: That gal that just left your cube; what's her name?
Me (not wanting to become an accomplice in a potential abduction and/or some other criminal act, I fib): Oh...heh...Gwendolyn.
Janitor: Thanks, man. Gwendolyn, eh? Interesting. See ya later.


Creepy, eh?

(former janitor...non-creepy-variety)

Tuesday, September 14, 2004

Frank Oz's Arm

Frank Oz's Arm
It made Fozzie wiggle and tell jokes that went wrong
and Miss Piggy over-amorous and long for Frog Dong
and Super Grover don helmet and cape and think he could fly
and caused Bert's jerky Pigeon Dance and the rumors he's Bi

Frank Oz's Arm
OH...what an amazing limb
Enough so that we should be celebrating him
Once dead it should be sent to a museum
Imagine the throngs that would come out to see 'em

Frank Oz's Arm
On Coruscant and Dagobah this appendage did lurk
'neath a Jedi Master's robes...magical work
As Yoda, himself, and others might say
'Moves me this member does, eh?'


Maybe the phrase FRANK OZ'S ARM is better served as a band name or something...anything...other than a lame attempt at a ditty by a fellow with a tin ear, a lazy eye, and no rhyme skills...


Friday, September 10, 2004

Words/Phrases I Actually Used During a Job Interview Yesterday that the Little Voice Inside My Head Reacted Badly To


Nature of the Beast

CPA-y (as in being like a Certified Personal Accountant)

Keeping it Real for the Kids

The Antithesis of a Stuffed Shirt

Akin to a Longshoreman after a 12 hour shift unloading crates of processed scrod

Thor's Hammer, Mjolnir, is pretty kickass

Paste-Eating Nincompoop

(the last three are fake...the others are real...I swear)

Thursday, September 09, 2004

This Week's Favorite Crime Report

As noted in Wednesday's Pioneer Press:

Assault: A man was arrested for threatening an employee at SuperAmerica, 2380 W. County Road D, over the cost of a hot dog Aug. 31. The suspect argued with the employee and later returned with a hammer, which he allegedly swung at the employee.
Can you imagine how that purchase turned deadly?

"You don't gimme that weiner for less than that then I'll be back with a damn hammer and cave in yer noggin. Just cause the damn thing's been warming on that there weiner roller contraption of your's don't make it worth no three-fifty!"


Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Stain Speculation

"Say, Tim...what's that splatter pattern on the front of your shirt from?"
"Oh...heh...a portion of sausage I was having for lunch fell off the fork and tumbled down my chest onto my lap. Kinda frustrating, what with being at work and all; you weren't the first to mention it."
"Well, in that case, don't wash the shirt...I know a scientist that would be interested in mapping the migratory path of rogue Lil' Smokies."
"Fuck off, Weiner Boy! Like you KNOW any scientists!"
"C'mon...gimme the shirt...this is empirical evidence that certain forms of processed meat are nomadic! I'll probably need the pants, too. Oh, and did you eat the sausage after it came to rest on your slacks? If so, I'm thinking a stool sample is in order..."