'Splain that tah me again?

"Oh...er...I'm growin' out my beard to mask my double chin; I've put on a lil' weight in the few months and it makes me look silly."

"The beard or the extra chin?"

"The extra chin, wise guy...it moves on its own now...and apparently pulsates like a bull frog when I speak."

"Oh...and I s'pose exercisin' is out of the question and the camouflagin' whiskers is the easy way...or should I say WEIGH...out?"

"S'right...you know I was recently diagnosed with a glandular condition."

"Right, right. What about that paunch of your's that's starting to cast a shadow over your nether regions?"

"What about it?"

"Well...you could kill two birds with one beard if you go ZZ-Style with the chin hairs and let 'em grow long enough to cascade over that gut. No one would notice it then."

"Whatever. That's not very funny making fun of my medical woes."

"Ooo...instead of the long beard...you could let your pubes go, tease 'em up a la Robert Smith of The Cure and hide that belly behind a pubic hair hedge, in a manner of speaking."

"I hate you."

"Since we've covered your fat neck and stomach...let's talk about that ass of your's."

"Grr."

"I'm thinking (and, naturally, I'm no Queer Eye guy or nothin') some luxurious long locks may drape nicely over that caboose and shield innocent eyes from espyin' it...kinda like self-censoring...otherwise that back end of your's might end up (heh) with an NC-17 stamped on it. What do you think?"

(silence)

"Hey...I'm just tryin' to help, 'Clapton'."


T