Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Today's Actual Joe Cocker Commentary from TIP
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Joe Cocker is the Beatles of Alleged-Humans-Constructed-of-Broiled-Ham.

You can almost TASTE the broiled ham.

Joe Cocker: The Original Non-Tinned Tinned Keyless Mobile Ham Nutrition System.

In this photo, Joe Cocker is excreting a Ham Brood from his Exhaust Pork.

Scattin' with the Scatman!

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Thursday, May 24, 2007

Some Items from Work Today

Cow-orker: Do you know any Martial Arts?

Me: Yes. I've a black belt in akimbo.

Cow-orker: That's great. Can you show me an Akimbo Move?

Me: Yes (I put my hands on my hips, David Caruso Style--I'm only lacking his Shades of Justice---and stare at him like a menacing Redheaded Dude).

Cow-orker (clearly unimpressed AND clearly unaware of the definition of akimbo): Are there any others?

Me: No. Akimbo is the only Martial Arts Form with exactly One Move.

Later in the morning:

2nd Cow-orker: Hey, look at them pants!!!

Me: ...

2nd Cow-orker: Haven't seen those before!!!

Me (these pants of mine have been in my Pants Rotation for years): ...

2nd Cow-orker (Snaps his fingers and points at me): Nice!

Me: ...

Finally at the End of the Day:

3rd Cow-orker: And who are you?

Me (clearly she is a new employee): A former Gerber's baby.

3rd Cow-Orker: ...

Me: Name's Tony...I'm with Corporate.

3rd Cow-orker: So you're Tony Gerber?

Me (shrugging internally): Sure, why not.

3rd Cow-orker: A pleasure to meet you. I'm Mel.

Me: How's Flo, Vera, and Alice?

3rd Cow-orker: Do they work here?

Me (clearly she is not familiar with Vic Tayback and the rest of the cast of TV's ALICE): Sure, why not.

3rd Cow-orker: I look forward to meeting them; I'm new here.

Me: Really? Well, kiss my grits.

3rd Cow-orker: ...


Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Two Minutes of Utter Nonsense: An Off-the-Top-of-My-Head Writing Exercise

It was a sad late breakfast for Taddly Sleeveless--a delayed nourishing caused by an unexpectedly prolonged evening encounter with an Off-Duty Meter Maid and a thoroughly unbelievable excuse for his shirt tale poking through a loosened seam in his pants (Dungaree Gremlins)--when he discovered that the marshmellows in his Lucky Charms were, in fact, Baby Gorilla teeth secreted in this particular box of cereal by a spiteful Dian Fossey admirer with a spouse employed by General Mills. His doctor insisted (after a manic and slightly distorted--thank you, lacerated tongue--phone call to his HMO) that the infant simian choppers would surely pass in his next one or two movements and that a "medicinal auger" was not necessary to extricate them (nor existed for that matter regardless of Tad's insistence otherwise). This episode caused great anxiety in Mister Sleeveless as he pondered the contents of the remaining box of Fruit Brute in his cupboard.


Sunday, May 20, 2007

Today's Must Read

The Chicken-Hearted Killer


"Hello, Mr. Corn. How's my favorite rooster today?"


Thursday, May 17, 2007

Muh bevino

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It has come to my attention that a certain restaurant/bar puts Faces on their drinks (thanks to Flonk for the nod).

Now, I don't know about you...but that bastard is a bit too damn happy for me. I need something else...some different kind of emoting from my Floating Alcoholic Face Adornment.

"Barkeep, I applaud the Monocled Sneering Prig atop my Schnockered Swine Mincer; completely appropriate for my frame of mind. For my next round I'd like a Lazy Eyed Mongoloid wading in a goblet of Wax Dribbles of Icarus, kay?"


Tuesday, May 15, 2007

In Light of the forthcoming new BIONIC WOMAN hitting NBC in the Fall

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Monday, May 14, 2007

One Watering Hole Patron's Response to a COCKTAIL-esque Display of Liquor Bottle Juggling

"Look here, Barnum and Bailey, I don't give one God DAMN how well you can flip shit 'round--or even if you've discovered an uncanny knack for uncorking Merlot bottles with your puckerin' recto--if that Boilermaker I ordered ain't poured in a most delicious manner I'm gonna clean your sweaty ears off with your damp flair bandolier."


Monday, May 07, 2007

Better than a Rabbit's former Foot?

Fill your pockets (or even your hoodie's hood) with the plentiful flakes harvested from the scruff of my Pugdoodleranian and, thank the runic scratches found 'pon the Astral Bench of Heavenly Jurtle's Infinitely Idle Lazabouting, you'll be pleased to note your fortunes swinging headily into the positive; like the euphoric Bliss told in the Legend of Klee-Necks the Nape Scowler and his Cupboard of Never-Ending Fumes. Fear not taking too much for this Crispy Crop is ever-replenishing like the reverse-saliva of a Standard Raccoon wearing a Vest pinched from a Haberdasher under the influence of a Well-Timed Hypnotic Suggestion and the sway of a set of Janitor's Glistening Keys (a glimmering enhanced by a very recent and not entirely accidental dunk in freshly Unfreshened Commode).

I'm left to wonder (after this unexpected outburst) if it is actually possible for a Run of Good Luck to be bestowed upon me if, in fact, I agree to amass the allegedly Fey Dandruff from some stranger's completely Imaginary Mutt. He keeps pointing at it...but there ain't nothing there but the concrete.

Sunday, May 06, 2007

One (unidentified) Man's Response to a Pic of a Comely Lass

"Oh, I'd totally let her buy my toilet paper."

Feel free to use it in your own day to day ogling.


Tuesday, May 01, 2007

In Response to One Person's Misspelling Satire as Satyr

Marvel at the luxurious curls of mine Goat Pants.

Witness my spritely galumphing 'bout the meadow, pitching
grapes at Fauna and Flora alike.

Cringe when a sound akin to a cannon filled with sour
cream infused gourds explodes in the glen...sending
the impromptu Woodland Pep Rally scattering for the
safety of nearby boles while simaltaneously inflating
said Goat Pants into a simulation of some odd Taxidermist's
macarbe idea of a Balloon Animal at a Circus for the Damned.

I darst not confess that my grape-heavy diet is to blame.