Not the Response you'd Expect when Inquiring as to Why Someone's Belt Looks 'Puffy'

"Would you find it especially odd to learn that I keep Miracle Whip in my Money Belt? What if, say, I come upon a person in Dressing Distress, hmm? What about that? Hadn't thought about THAT scenario, did ya? I did! I'm like a modern day Johnny Appleseed that way...only with a kinda Utility Belt filled with a Mayo-esque concoction keeping my pants up AND random folk's sandwiches properly slathered. It's a calling, really. You're a fucking Commie if you think otherwise...that or you've got some sort of Delicious Gene Deficiency laced throughout your Obviously sub-par Genome."