Take Home Test gets Personal
Mister Smoot's 8th Grade English Class' Quiz on Broderick Juniper's short story, The Malador of Boxcar Seventeen
1. Puddley Stewart (also called 'Stu-Pud' by his mates) refuses to share the location of the turnip field with his co-squatter Melodious Louis (Mel-Lou). What is the main reason behind his keeping this secret from his comrade and what's the deal with Suzie McCloud (second row, third seat)? You think she's on the sauce? I swear I can see the booze bubbles orbiting her damn head from the front of the room; afterall we know her mother's a sot from the last parent/teacher conference. Thoughts?
2. After their run in and subsequent escape from the railyard tough Uncle Trauma, where do Stu-Pud and Mel-Lou take refuge to lick their wounds and plot revenge? What is the significance of their talk with self-proclaimed 'vengeance guru,' Knuckleduster and his for-hire 'pistol-whipping posse?' What does the Shillelagh of Great Smiting symbolize and do you think it's possible that Timmy Blackstop (first row, first seat) will grow up to be an ass-kiss of the highest order? Read my lips (and/or this test, Mister): I. DO. NOT. LIKE. PASTRAMI. STUFFED. IN. EGGPLANTS! I could give a shit that it's a family favorite NOR do I care that the recipe came over on the Mayflower or whatever damn boat you keep referencing (hell, it could be the USS WHOGIVESAFUCK for all I care). Leave the meat/vegetable hybrids at home where it's appreciated and, evidently, consumed enthusiastically. Gifts of this nature will get you nowhere. Comprende?
3. The nefarious and oddly helmeted No-Lips-All-Teeth trails our protagonists for the entirety of the tale without ever laying his mitts (and cutlery) on them. Did he really mean to eat the hoboes, making them, as he states, 'one with my torso,' or is there an allegorical meaning to his meal plans? If so, what do you believe the allegory is (societal? political? religious?) and why, Sweet Jesus, why does Constance Flannery (row four, seat five) think she's 'all that and a bag of Frito's?' Sure, I give you that she certainly appears to know her way around snack foods, but does she REALLY think she's cute? Don't you kids keep yourselves apprised of one anothers appearances? Someone knock her down a few pegs (and away from the buffet) with some well-aimed taunts, would ya? I'm sick and tired of looking at what hangs out over her low-slung clamdiggers. And I'm telling you, if you don't, I'm bringing a damn tarp to throw over her in class. Mark my words.
4. Per the title of your reading assignment, what exactly is the 'Malador of Boxcar Seventeen?' What's the cause of it and how does it bring about the salvation of Stu-Pud and Mel-Lou? Speaking of stink (and stink lines); Thaddeaus 'Tad' Mulligan (row one, seat eight), you're not fooling anyone. You shit yourself, dontcha? Pour as much of your father's English Leather on you as you like, it's NOT masking the feces reek. As your teacher I have to also take into account the well-being of your classmates (as well as you) and seeing that they are in contact with your scent cloud 8 hours a day concerns me that there could be long-term effects on them due to it (ever hear about asbestos? ask one of your old furnace installing uncles...it could cause similar ailments considering the stinging nature of it). I'm sure as hell in this touchy-feely age of ours that there MUST be a support group one of your daddies could take you to to address the issues behind your non-toilet-shitting. Oh, and it's not an enduring quality like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Get help NOW or I'm locking you in the coatroom.
T
Mister Smoot's 8th Grade English Class' Quiz on Broderick Juniper's short story, The Malador of Boxcar Seventeen
1. Puddley Stewart (also called 'Stu-Pud' by his mates) refuses to share the location of the turnip field with his co-squatter Melodious Louis (Mel-Lou). What is the main reason behind his keeping this secret from his comrade and what's the deal with Suzie McCloud (second row, third seat)? You think she's on the sauce? I swear I can see the booze bubbles orbiting her damn head from the front of the room; afterall we know her mother's a sot from the last parent/teacher conference. Thoughts?
2. After their run in and subsequent escape from the railyard tough Uncle Trauma, where do Stu-Pud and Mel-Lou take refuge to lick their wounds and plot revenge? What is the significance of their talk with self-proclaimed 'vengeance guru,' Knuckleduster and his for-hire 'pistol-whipping posse?' What does the Shillelagh of Great Smiting symbolize and do you think it's possible that Timmy Blackstop (first row, first seat) will grow up to be an ass-kiss of the highest order? Read my lips (and/or this test, Mister): I. DO. NOT. LIKE. PASTRAMI. STUFFED. IN. EGGPLANTS! I could give a shit that it's a family favorite NOR do I care that the recipe came over on the Mayflower or whatever damn boat you keep referencing (hell, it could be the USS WHOGIVESAFUCK for all I care). Leave the meat/vegetable hybrids at home where it's appreciated and, evidently, consumed enthusiastically. Gifts of this nature will get you nowhere. Comprende?
3. The nefarious and oddly helmeted No-Lips-All-Teeth trails our protagonists for the entirety of the tale without ever laying his mitts (and cutlery) on them. Did he really mean to eat the hoboes, making them, as he states, 'one with my torso,' or is there an allegorical meaning to his meal plans? If so, what do you believe the allegory is (societal? political? religious?) and why, Sweet Jesus, why does Constance Flannery (row four, seat five) think she's 'all that and a bag of Frito's?' Sure, I give you that she certainly appears to know her way around snack foods, but does she REALLY think she's cute? Don't you kids keep yourselves apprised of one anothers appearances? Someone knock her down a few pegs (and away from the buffet) with some well-aimed taunts, would ya? I'm sick and tired of looking at what hangs out over her low-slung clamdiggers. And I'm telling you, if you don't, I'm bringing a damn tarp to throw over her in class. Mark my words.
4. Per the title of your reading assignment, what exactly is the 'Malador of Boxcar Seventeen?' What's the cause of it and how does it bring about the salvation of Stu-Pud and Mel-Lou? Speaking of stink (and stink lines); Thaddeaus 'Tad' Mulligan (row one, seat eight), you're not fooling anyone. You shit yourself, dontcha? Pour as much of your father's English Leather on you as you like, it's NOT masking the feces reek. As your teacher I have to also take into account the well-being of your classmates (as well as you) and seeing that they are in contact with your scent cloud 8 hours a day concerns me that there could be long-term effects on them due to it (ever hear about asbestos? ask one of your old furnace installing uncles...it could cause similar ailments considering the stinging nature of it). I'm sure as hell in this touchy-feely age of ours that there MUST be a support group one of your daddies could take you to to address the issues behind your non-toilet-shitting. Oh, and it's not an enduring quality like the Peanuts character Pigpen. Get help NOW or I'm locking you in the coatroom.
T
posted by Tony at 5:21 PM
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