Tah Hell with GI JOE's Kung-Fu Grip!

BIONIC GRIP IS THE WAY TO GO, DAMMIT!!!

T
(Steve Austin Week continues)

Steve and The 'Quatch: Friends Forever

The Steve Austin action figure asks:

WHATCHOO LOOKIN' AT, FOO?!?

I think your threat needs some clarification

What precisely does:

"You best hope I don't go all ALLMAN BROTHERS on you!!!"

mean?

Force me to stop bathing, grow out my locks/beard, and hit the road bedecked in eighth generation denim pants and reclaimed-flannels? I'm warning you that I haven't mastered the slide guitar unless you count the time I lubed up a Strat and rode it down a flight of stairs.

Or:

Marry Cher? Er...she's a bit played out, thank you very much. That and I don't like the stink eye Elijah Blue keeps shooting in my general direction. Chastity's cool and all but her preference for Old Spice aftershave is a off-putting. That and the crushed-head-spectre of the Former Sonny Bono lurks just out of sight...and any ghoul bedecked in a phantom fur vest and porn 'stache combo is damn frightening.

Or:

Strap me to a motorcycle and send me into a fatal collision with a truck? Unlikely to work as Robby Knievel is a close personal friend and, in his spare time, has shown me a thing or two about cycle-handling, jumping buses/trucks (sans ramps), et cetera. NEENER NEENER!

Or:

Make me Eat A Peach? I'm pretty sure that's on my Fruit Allergy list. You could, however, be more successful if you tried...oh...blueberries or an oversized gourd, eh?

Or:

Tie me to the Whipping Post? You flaggelistic bastards!!! I'm impervious to your flails, lashes and cat-o-nine tails!!! Check out the thickness of this hide of mine!!! There's a reason I was called Rhino-Pelt in Junior High!!! I scoff at your empty threat, I do!!!


T

Ol' Coot's Terse Rant on Enjoying Specific Confectionary in the Great Outdoors

"It's gettin' to be pert near difficult for a man to gnaw his taffy at the park, what with all the damn gawkers and all...like a fella my age can't glean delight from the chewy stretchy stuff. Fuck 'em."

T

Coming Soon to an Area Overpass Near You: Questionable Graffiti Division

Jawas are WEE and ROBED!!!

Hemingway Sodomized Honeydews AND my gran'dad (with a smiley face over the I in Sodomized)

Shatner's Dressing Room is De-LUSH-ious!!!

Prairie HO Companion= Midwestern John

Janice has great bridgework!

My trellis kicks all y'alls' asses!!!

T

Beshirted Orang to bide the time betwixt Blogs

Quotes from this weekend that probably make as much sense out-of-context as they did in-context...as uttered by this writer

"I've got a Five-Speed Ted Knight under the hood."

"Not kismet...KISS MITT!!! (with vigorous fist-shaking accompanying said statement)

"Do you want some McIce with that McFuckFace?"

"I'm going to rub the gas station against my nipples...and that apple, too."

T

Ill-Advised Choices in Ad-Libbed lyrical additions when One is 'singing' INXS "Mediate" at an area Karaoke Bar in light of the questionable death of former lead singer Michael Hutchence (brought to mind recently with the arrival of the television program Rockstar: INXS)

Masturbate
Strangulate
Asphyxiate
Ass-Naked-ate

And especially don't change the line "Don't suffocate on your own hate" to "Don't asphyxiate while you masturbate" as I learned the hard way when a posse of previously unidentified Michael Hutchence fans (whom, as it turned out, refer to themselves as HUTS; for example, if your name was--say--Jabba AND you loved this particular performer, you'd call yourself "Jabba the HUT") threatened bodily harm upon me with a Keytar (I can only presume that it travels with them in case of impromptu street corner 'gigs'...either that or its hollowed out so as to allow them the ability to stash their accumulated 'booty' in it) and insisted that auto-erotic asphyxiation was NOT what befell the former long-maned Aussie uber-star. This fell on deaf fannish ears and, sadly, I learned that the Keytar IS an effective bludgeoning weapon...which may explain their prevelance in the 80s music scene.

T


T

Quote of the Day or Great way to Preface any sentence

As stated proudly/matter of factly by a student

"When my mom was in the County Jail..."

T

Fookin' Commas!!!

"You don't taste Christian."

Either the flavor is quite unlike what one would expect when eating a Jesus Freak OR a dire warning not to place your lips/tongue on/near some fellow named Christian (who obviously is very self-conscious about his own gustatory perception).

OR

"You don't taste, Christian."

Or perhaps the fellow named Christian is self-conscious of his own sapidity due to the fact that, sadly, he lacks one.


Chew on that 'un for a spell, larder...er...pardner.

T