Undesired Weenie Christening

Dear Abby,

For whatever reason, my friends have taken to calling me 'Sausage Buffet' and it really irritates me. There isn't a thing that I've done IN MY LIFE that would warrant them picking this handle for me; heck, I don't even like sausages, weiners or any other kind of meat tube. Is there a way that I can make them stop calling me 'Sausage Buffet' without losing them as friends? Maybe I could suggest a new nickname like 'Orang-u-Tom' or something?
MISNAMED IN MISSOURI

Dear MISNAMED IN MISSOURI/SAUSAGE BUFFET,

I would really like to help you out with some sage Van Buren-ian advice but, unfortunately, your missive was delivered in error to an ARBY'S in Poughkeepsie that I manage. However, since I feel your pain (my 'friends' used to call me hateful things like 'Assback McGhee and his Danger Trousers,' 'Gravy-Tits,' and 'Fudge Knuckle' for reasons I was never able to fathom) and I am generally a helpful sort, I will endeavor to advise you the best that I am able.

My gut reaction is that 'Sausage Buffet' is a product of you being overweight. Sure, we've never met nor did you include a photo of yourself with your letter...but this is my best guess.

I've noticed that a lot of corpulent people have rolls on the backs of their necks that resemble a package of hot dogs. If you are the pudge that I suspect you are there is a strong possibility that this is the reason behind your unwanted 'Sausage Buffet' persona. When folk catch a glimpse of those fleshy lumps they think you're a Hot Diggity Hot Dog Vendor or some other nomadic Sausage Provider; hence, 'Sausage Buffet.' It might be time to cut down on the food intake and hit the gym. I betcha 'Sausage Buffet' will disappear with your extra girth (and folds).

Finally, suggesting a new nickname will never work as it is a well-known fact that no one is allowed to chose their own (I learned this the hard way when I suggested 'Leo-Gnarly' to my peers).

Stick with the weight-loss and this problem of yours should vanish.

Leonard T. Gravis
Arby's Manager
Poughkeepsie, NY

PS: I would have included some free coupons for our roast beef sandwiches but considering your circumstances that would not have been a wise thing to do.


T