Reading the Baby
Pass that lil' un over here and lemme get a looksie. Hmm...what is he? About 3 months old? Okay. About 15 pounds or thereabouts (can never remember how to covert that to stones, y'know...s'funny I can't recall the conversion since I spent a majority of my tweens overseas as an apprentice to a horse mid-wife...don't ask...I was deep in the yum-yum, if you catch my leaning). Anyway, back to your pride and joy here. Notice eyes...they'll usually give me a pretty good idea as to the child's future occupation. Hmm...one's a lil' drifty...kinda lazy (there's a joke I could make about it not wanting to go out and get a job...but I'm sure the hospital staff must of told that one a hundred times post-birth, eh? No? Er...nevermind). Well, I can rule out pilot, seamstress and janitor...them jobs call for sharp peepers and this kid just ain't gonna have that trait, corrective lenses/surgery or not (ya ever see a portrait of Betsy Ross, a pic of Chuck Yeager or given your building's custodian a good long stare? Oh...heh...of course not...the lazy eye on the baby was inherited...heh...you can't really stare at anything properly...on a positive note you ain't gonna get in trouble for prolonged leering, eh?). Let's move on and see what else I can figure out. Head's still a wee bit spongey...naturally...but lil' Jebediah here's is especially so. This could mean two things; a career as a stuntman (probably specializing in being shot of a cannon and/or launched from Hollywood-style catapaults) or missionary work in a Third World country. Oh, don't look that way...we're not done yet and there's still a lot of baby to read. Whoa! Now check the mitts on this tyke! Those are some impressive hands for one of this age. I think I've got it now. I can say with a certainty that with paws like that your lil' un will flourish as a grave robber (hell, he won't even need a shovel...them hands are gonna grow into some amazing flesh trowels, mark my words). Then again, the pinkie on the left hand seems to be missing a knuckle. Hmm. With that in mind you're probably looking at an offspring with a serious future as a sandwich artist; whether it be juggling them, constructing them or rendering murals/sculptures/whatnot in swear-to-the-heavens-real-honest-to-gosh sandwiches...like if you took a Dagwood sandwich and carved a bust of Lionel Ritchie out of it. Now THAT'S art!
T
Pass that lil' un over here and lemme get a looksie. Hmm...what is he? About 3 months old? Okay. About 15 pounds or thereabouts (can never remember how to covert that to stones, y'know...s'funny I can't recall the conversion since I spent a majority of my tweens overseas as an apprentice to a horse mid-wife...don't ask...I was deep in the yum-yum, if you catch my leaning). Anyway, back to your pride and joy here. Notice eyes...they'll usually give me a pretty good idea as to the child's future occupation. Hmm...one's a lil' drifty...kinda lazy (there's a joke I could make about it not wanting to go out and get a job...but I'm sure the hospital staff must of told that one a hundred times post-birth, eh? No? Er...nevermind). Well, I can rule out pilot, seamstress and janitor...them jobs call for sharp peepers and this kid just ain't gonna have that trait, corrective lenses/surgery or not (ya ever see a portrait of Betsy Ross, a pic of Chuck Yeager or given your building's custodian a good long stare? Oh...heh...of course not...the lazy eye on the baby was inherited...heh...you can't really stare at anything properly...on a positive note you ain't gonna get in trouble for prolonged leering, eh?). Let's move on and see what else I can figure out. Head's still a wee bit spongey...naturally...but lil' Jebediah here's is especially so. This could mean two things; a career as a stuntman (probably specializing in being shot of a cannon and/or launched from Hollywood-style catapaults) or missionary work in a Third World country. Oh, don't look that way...we're not done yet and there's still a lot of baby to read. Whoa! Now check the mitts on this tyke! Those are some impressive hands for one of this age. I think I've got it now. I can say with a certainty that with paws like that your lil' un will flourish as a grave robber (hell, he won't even need a shovel...them hands are gonna grow into some amazing flesh trowels, mark my words). Then again, the pinkie on the left hand seems to be missing a knuckle. Hmm. With that in mind you're probably looking at an offspring with a serious future as a sandwich artist; whether it be juggling them, constructing them or rendering murals/sculptures/whatnot in swear-to-the-heavens-real-honest-to-gosh sandwiches...like if you took a Dagwood sandwich and carved a bust of Lionel Ritchie out of it. Now THAT'S art!
T
posted by Tony at 4:27 PM
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