Thursday, August 21, 2003

An Incoherent Rant involving Two Willard Moments and a Hundred Years of Me

Did you know that Willard Scott-- the former Today Show 'Roker'-- was the original Ronald McDonald? For whatever reason*
this crossed my mind yesterday during a particularly slow stretch at work.**

This morning as I was preparing to leave for work he was on The Today Show doing his 'Happy-100-Birthday-to-You' schtick. Since he is no longer a regular fixture on this morning program I found this particularly strange that I was thinking of him and his former 'claim to fame/shame' just the day before.

Which brought up another thought:

What if I make it to 100 and appear on The Today Show Smucker's Jelly sponsered spot?***

Let's see..Willard's not getting any younger and I am (as of this writing) 66 years away from the Century mark. He's probably not going to be around to host my b-day spot; unless he acquired some type of Immortality from his time as the Original Ronald McDonald. I seem to remember reading an expose that explored the possibility that those who supped on the flesh of McDonald's founder, Ray Kroc, were endowed with long lives. As the original Ronald McDonald, Ol' Willy certainly MUST have had the option to feast on some Kroc-cass. I guess I'll have to take a 'Wait and See' approach on this.

If Willard isn't still upon this plane of existence then there is a chance that Al Roker will be. Even though he hasn't the Immortality-via-Cannibalizing-Kroc possibility that Scott has I have read in a Medical Journal that the shortening of one's gullet can can lead to an extended life span since one is no longer such a fat fuck (kaff); in which case Al could be there to wish me a Happy Happy 100th.


Whoever it is I need to prepare myself for the possibility that I will glean a bit of Televised 'Fame' if I reach the centenarian mark.****

Normally they'll recite some of the oldster's 'Secrets' to longevity; so I should prepare some comments NOW that run contrary to the usual responses heard on the program.

Commonly heard responses to 'How'd you live so long' usually involve:

God, Jesus Christ and/or a Deity of similar 'Heavenly' Attributes
A Daily Booze Intake Regimen
Not being a Commie

Y'know...crazy Old People Statements.

So I think Mine will go something like this (and eventhough I have 66 years to go they will probably still be UTTER LIES):

'My secret tah long life? I was neveh an Anthropophaginian McMascot and kept me gut as-is...Unlike a cuppla folk that SHALL REMAIN NAMELESS! No deals with the Devil for me!!! It's all about genes, baby...GEE-EEE-netics!!! Genes, robust boinking, the total disregard for lawn care, 250 burpies everystinkin' day, a fudgicle before bedtime and pants so damn tight I can feel me own pulse! Kiss my ancient ass, ya lily-white pantywaist scalawags!'

Or something like that.

*Errant Clown Thoughts are a sad side effect to having been hit in the face with a pie at the circus when I was a lad. The seltzer in the short pants didn't help either. Stupid Clown. Stupid Trauma.

**How pathetic is that? During lulls most folk will entertain themselves with all sorts of different activities and MINE at that moment happened to involve Willard Scott in pancake and a nose. Great. Just flippin' great.

***A thought that surely beats considering a future in the clown profession...unless I decide to become a clown on my 100th birthday. Ooo, I know! A 100 year old clown with his own Jelly line!!!

****Without considering the potential Long Life 'cheats' employed by both Willard and Al. Eating the 'Dean' of Hamburger University's corpse or the Snip-Snip of my stomach are not options. I want to do it the (ha) old-fashion way.


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