Monday, May 31, 2004

Failed Opening Bits from my next Great American Novel

"Who knew that walking your domesticated tapir around town was illegal? As a law student and a temporary employee of Bastardson and Lupis you'd think I would have stumbled across this fact in the course of my studies, I thought from the holding cell at the police station. From the barely audible snippets of conversations I picked up from the on-duty officers, I gleaned that my confiscated bear-sloth was being also being held for 'questioning' in a quickly-modified a la McGyver closet-turned-zoo-ish enclosure. I was surely going to be late for my Uncle's annual Hootenanny (or 'Hooch-n-Granny' as he liked to lecherously joke...or was it a joke?) scheduled for this evening."

"It shouldn't have surprised me that Lester misunderstood the term 'raconteur' as a military stint in Iraq..."

"I never expected such a venomous outburst from the panhandler in response to my deposting a spare frozen waffle into his upturned hat-turned-alms-collection-plate. Years later, we'd laugh about this, our very first encounter and the beginnings of a beautiful friendship as squat-mates."

"Ya ever threaten me with that spud-gun again you'll find yourself married to a burlap sack full of pain, ya dig?"

"Things were not well at Space Station Bbllrrgg, as evidenced by Commander TyKloon's choice in outfitting himself in a loose and threadbare third-generation-hand-me-down-towel-as-ceremonial-loin-cloth to meet the delegation from Yerdlee Alpha. The crew was not convinced that this was a customary display of goodwill to the visiting diplomats; that, in fact, it fully proved First Officer Gant's suspicion that the Commander was completely unfit for duty and in the deep throes of inebriation from an evening alone in the cargo bay with a cache of Urinotic Spice Swill and a holographic swine sexual release projection."



Blogger Antonio Hicks said...

Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so.
Douglas Adams- Posters.

4:10 AM  

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