Failed Opening Bits from my next Great American Novel

"Who knew that walking your domesticated tapir around town was illegal? As a law student and a temporary employee of Bastardson and Lupis you'd think I would have stumbled across this fact in the course of my studies, I thought from the holding cell at the police station. From the barely audible snippets of conversations I picked up from the on-duty officers, I gleaned that my confiscated bear-sloth was being also being held for 'questioning' in a quickly-modified a la McGyver closet-turned-zoo-ish enclosure. I was surely going to be late for my Uncle's annual Hootenanny (or 'Hooch-n-Granny' as he liked to lecherously joke...or was it a joke?) scheduled for this evening."

"It shouldn't have surprised me that Lester misunderstood the term 'raconteur' as a military stint in Iraq..."

"I never expected such a venomous outburst from the panhandler in response to my deposting a spare frozen waffle into his upturned hat-turned-alms-collection-plate. Years later, we'd laugh about this, our very first encounter and the beginnings of a beautiful friendship as squat-mates."

"Ya ever threaten me with that spud-gun again you'll find yourself married to a burlap sack full of pain, ya dig?"

"Things were not well at Space Station Bbllrrgg, as evidenced by Commander TyKloon's choice in outfitting himself in a loose and threadbare third-generation-hand-me-down-towel-as-ceremonial-loin-cloth to meet the delegation from Yerdlee Alpha. The crew was not convinced that this was a customary display of goodwill to the visiting diplomats; that, in fact, it fully proved First Officer Gant's suspicion that the Commander was completely unfit for duty and in the deep throes of inebriation from an evening alone in the cargo bay with a cache of Urinotic Spice Swill and a holographic swine sexual release projection."

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