Things I NEVER Said as a Kid and Still Not Likely to Utter here in my Dotage

"Might I have another plum, mother?"

"I am SOOO glad my entire wardrobe is comprised of velure v-necks and Husky-sized corduroy Wranglers. Thank Goodness for the Sears Outlet Store!"

"Dear sister, isn't it fortunate that our beloved parents leave their bedroom door open whilst they make with the coitus?"

"If I were Royalty I would certainly take advantage of said position in society to bring Fishsticks to the masses; they are the perfectest form of breaded nourishment."

"Tis delightful when my name gets rhymed with PONY, PHONEY, BALOGNA, and CRONEY...my peers are destined to reach heights of poetic bliss even higher than those reached by the likes of Shel Silverstein and Emily Post."

"Should I send a fan letter to William Conrad?"

"Whatever motivates the sodden lads of the neighborhood to hurl defenseless terrestrial mollusks at yon motor vehicles?"

"Powdered Milk? By the Heavens Above is it not the perfect fluid in which to float one's Lucky Charms?"

"I find it exceedingly difficult to fathom why you think it is that mine sister defecates in her undergarments, malador be damned."

"This long-handled comb poking rakishly from my hip-pocket acknowledges the glory of these luscious feathered tresses of mine."

"I must have more Monchichis!!!"


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