The Family Cover-Up
The Bedford family had themselves a bit of a problem; their youngest, Nick O' Lass (blame the 'artsy-fartsy' spelling on the accidental post-birth delirium mutually suffered by both parents which, according to the doctors and an errant orderly, was quite possibly the result of an ill-placed and open jug of ether with a Use By Date of 1973) was a very bright (not so much a-gleamy as he was smart-esque...at least in comparison with most of his inane and babbling cousin horde...the family's gene pool hadn't had its filter replaced in years which went a long way to explaining the 'pond scum' blanketing both Aunt Eureka and Uncle Samson) and inquistive lad and had taken to wondering aloud why it was that Grandfather Urgent (who was also a victim of a poor naming ritual) had a steamed meat aroma ever-present about his person; a fragrant cloud of eww akin to The Peanuts' Pig Pen's dust cloud only far-more-off-putting (yet very attractive to the area insectoid community, the Stray Dog packs, and the occasional pro-beef-fancier Avon Lady). Mom and Dad insisted that this was a figment of his nostrils imagination and to say nothing more of Urgent's alleged odor. Did I also mention that Nick O' Lass was also a persistant lil' whippersnapper a la Encyclopedia Brown? His parents' explanation fell on deaf ears and the questioning continued; at birthday parties, Family Reunions, the Bedford Family's Annual Bay of Pigs Backyard Swine Roast, and so on. "Why Oh Why," he would scream to the Heavens above and the Relations within Earshot, "does Gramps Urgent smell of steamed meat? There HAS to be a reasonable explanation! Is it his diet? A skin condition? Does he hit the sauna with a friendly butcher? WHY?!? Somebody tell me NOW!!!" After a hastily arranged meeting between the heads of the Bedford Family, it was eventually agreed upon that Nick O' Lass should be told the truth (with Cousin Ore-Ida abstaining from the vote on the grounds that he was still torqued off about being named after a company that produces frozen French Fries). And so it was recently that Nick O' Lass, he of the sharp olfactory senses and the Never Say Die attitude learned the truth about the Shame of the Bedfords and the Reek that was Grandpa Urgent's stink fog...
Grandpa Urgent had spent every morning since his retirement commenced from the dirigible works groping the third shift White Castle employees as they got off their shifts.
Sad but true.
But now little Nick O' Lass knew the truth.
And, armed with this knowledge, his shame now knew no end.
T
The Bedford family had themselves a bit of a problem; their youngest, Nick O' Lass (blame the 'artsy-fartsy' spelling on the accidental post-birth delirium mutually suffered by both parents which, according to the doctors and an errant orderly, was quite possibly the result of an ill-placed and open jug of ether with a Use By Date of 1973) was a very bright (not so much a-gleamy as he was smart-esque...at least in comparison with most of his inane and babbling cousin horde...the family's gene pool hadn't had its filter replaced in years which went a long way to explaining the 'pond scum' blanketing both Aunt Eureka and Uncle Samson) and inquistive lad and had taken to wondering aloud why it was that Grandfather Urgent (who was also a victim of a poor naming ritual) had a steamed meat aroma ever-present about his person; a fragrant cloud of eww akin to The Peanuts' Pig Pen's dust cloud only far-more-off-putting (yet very attractive to the area insectoid community, the Stray Dog packs, and the occasional pro-beef-fancier Avon Lady). Mom and Dad insisted that this was a figment of his nostrils imagination and to say nothing more of Urgent's alleged odor. Did I also mention that Nick O' Lass was also a persistant lil' whippersnapper a la Encyclopedia Brown? His parents' explanation fell on deaf ears and the questioning continued; at birthday parties, Family Reunions, the Bedford Family's Annual Bay of Pigs Backyard Swine Roast, and so on. "Why Oh Why," he would scream to the Heavens above and the Relations within Earshot, "does Gramps Urgent smell of steamed meat? There HAS to be a reasonable explanation! Is it his diet? A skin condition? Does he hit the sauna with a friendly butcher? WHY?!? Somebody tell me NOW!!!" After a hastily arranged meeting between the heads of the Bedford Family, it was eventually agreed upon that Nick O' Lass should be told the truth (with Cousin Ore-Ida abstaining from the vote on the grounds that he was still torqued off about being named after a company that produces frozen French Fries). And so it was recently that Nick O' Lass, he of the sharp olfactory senses and the Never Say Die attitude learned the truth about the Shame of the Bedfords and the Reek that was Grandpa Urgent's stink fog...
Grandpa Urgent had spent every morning since his retirement commenced from the dirigible works groping the third shift White Castle employees as they got off their shifts.
Sad but true.
But now little Nick O' Lass knew the truth.
And, armed with this knowledge, his shame now knew no end.
T
posted by Tony at 3:27 PM
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