'Twas the Run Before Christmas
As Told by Sy-Klone

'Twas the run before Christmas, when all down the road
The Bandit was stirring, transporting a load
Frog at his side, from a wedding she fled
Always hopping around, putting thoughts in his head

Behind them rode Snowman, his path made clear
With his trusty Hound, Fred, he was hauling the beer.
Somewhere nearby, sat Dom DeLuise
Just give him some meatballs, he's easy to please

Speeding behind them, a lawman and son
Chase after Frog, is that Jackie Gleason?
Frog was to marry the son, to her shame
That mustached lawman, Buford T. Justice by name

Bandit laughed as his 'stache danced in the wind
Falling in love with his new girlfriend
Meanwhile, Snowman hummed a song or two
While Buford T. Justice's obscenities flew.

Through traps and stunts, Bandit's Trans-Am sped
Junior wants to marry Frog, but she's giving Burt head
Waiting in Georgia for their refreshing Coors
Big Enos and Little Enos, from whom Bandit scores

Pontiac so rapid, the cameos came
Soon Cannonball Run would be their great shame
Now Dean, now Sammy, now Dom DeLuise
On Farrah, on Roger, on Klinger the Sheik

To the top of the credits, to the top of the charts
Needham's southern fried chase films are practically art!
This is no Evening Shade, no, not at all
Burt's got a dinner theater and he's soon going to fall

But for now, the stars came, and the audience, too
To watch Bandit and Snowman in Smokey and the Bandit II
This time, no beer, but an elephant they haul
This premise is thin, did Reynolds read the script at all?

Sally Field grew tiresome, Reynolds grew bored
The elephant grew weary, Dom's ass is getting sore
But sequels would follow these 70s stars
Cannonball Run II? Now Jerry Reed's in the car?

Spiraling downward they tumbled, Dom is not having fun
And Reynolds, poor Burt, paid Loni a handsome sum
Soon he'd be forced to produce something raw
He'd get Burt Convy to host Win, Lose, or Draw

Soon there'd be Evening Shade, no, not Marilu
From the producers of Designing Women, say it ain't true!
Those were lean years, even Burt would have to say
And the 'stache (not the 'stache!) was beginning to turn gray!

Hope came for Burt Reynolds after some slights
He got a big role in a new film, Boogie Nights
We saw him again, briefly, shades of Burt, older and thick
As he took on that role, almost as big as Wahlberg's fake dick

As we looked on that Burt, that Burt of old
We remembered how we laughed at the story he told
Bandit and Frog and Snowman and Buford T.
Smokey and the Bandit, a true classic indeed

As I watch Smokey now, I feel like a fool
For one brief moment, Burt was pretty cool
As he chuckled and laughed with that inimitable twang
I could only join him, I laughed and sang:

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin'
We're gonna do what they say can't be done.
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
I'm east bound, just watch ol' Bandit run.

Keep your foot hard on the pedal. Son, never mind them brakes.
Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make.
The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana.
And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes.

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin',
we're gonna do what they say can't be done.
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
I'm east bound, just watch ol' Bandit run!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!