TipTone Presents: Fists of Gravy= Delicious Wounds

2012-01-22T06:27:00.001-06:00

TARDIS as Sound Effect

One expects to hear TARDIS when one is zapped by a Villainous Time Traveler (Marvel's Kang):

2011-11-18T07:11:00.001-06:00

Fear of the 'Stache

I like that Lil' Steve is running away (nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh) from Giant FarrahSniff'stache Steve.

2011-09-19T16:41:00.001-05:00

Say you want a Evolution/Devolution...

Upon learning of the death of Ziggy creator Tom Wilson I was reminded of an old thought of mine which I promptly doodled:

2011-09-01T08:41:00.000-05:00

The Lonely Feast

2011-07-31T08:17:00.002-05:00

The Kind of Cacophonous Gibberish I can Get Behind

Setting: Outside an area SuperAmerica

Participants: Mildly Unfathomable*Senescent Woman (MUSW) and a man holding a tethered wee canine whom she is yelling too from across the Gas Pumping Staging Area

MUSW: MumbleMumbleBahNeeSahDee CHILIDOGS MumbleMumbleAinBahDahDee I like your dress BumbahDahMahBahAnuddah THIRTY NINE CENTS!!!

Sad to report that the "Chilidog Machine" (as she called it once inside) was not operational.

*Although--judging by her appearance--she would EASILY sink unassisted to the bottom of any body of water.

2011-06-26T13:15:00.002-05:00

The New Neighbors

The sight that greeted me one morning several weeks ago.

New Couple were then in the process of Moving in and some time in the evening a pair of abandoned/ditched/doffed Jean Shorts (Gender Unknown) were left in the manner above.

I've gone from Shirtless D at my previous abode to Shortless Guy/Gal at the new place.

Flash forward to today.

Front Lawn mow-ed-ded. At the end the Male Member (!!!) of the Shortless Couple inquired what I had been listening to.

"Robyn Hitchcock."

"I had some Elvis Costello playing earlier...Armed Forces. They're similar, right?"

"Indeed. English Singer-Songwriters working under assumed stage names.

"Oh?"

"Yes. Elvis is Declan MacManus and Robyn is Terry Giblets."

"Cool!"

"Sure is. Talk to you later."

Now I'm off to tamper with Robyn's Wiki page to make my lie True.

2011-06-16T23:51:00.001-05:00

Loving the Alien
(with a mild apology to David Bowie)

2011-05-28T07:39:00.003-05:00

The Secret History of Sammiches

Working Class Hero by John Lennon was actually a nod to his lifelong desire to transmogrify into a hoagie and be proletariatly consumed.

2011-04-12T15:09:00.000-05:00

Another TALL TIP TALE from Work

Just out for a heater. At some point I took my speck-tee-culls off to rub the Bridge over the River Nose. Cow-Orker glances at me and says:

Cow-Orker: You look like that guy from the movie...uh...he's blind...drives a Ferrari?

TIP: Roy Orbison?

Cow-Orker: No. Wait. Roy Orbison was blind?

TIP: Yes. And he was formerly a she. Rita. Rita Orbowski. Hence Pretty Woman.

Cow-Orker: Wow. I'll have to tell my husband. Anyway, you look like that other blind guy in that one film.

TIP: Does the blind guy make weird noises?

Cow-Orker: Yeah. Yeah. Chinos? Alan Chinos?

TIP: Alan Pants?

Cow-Orker: No.

TIP (sigh): Al Pacino?

Cow-Orker: YES! Him! You look like Al Pacino!

2011-03-30T15:23:00.002-05:00

Another TIP TALL TALE from Work

Cow-Orker (unsolicited): I always use names of my pets or lady friends for my passwords at work.

TIP (I see...whaddaya fishing for here, pal?): Hmm. I always go with the names of the Superheroes I created as a kid.

Cow-Orker: Like?

TIP: Well, I'm not one to share this kind of info but, since I don't use these particular ones anymore, Hamboy and Porklad.

Cow-Orker (slightly taken aback bacon): These...these were characters you created?

TIP: I was inspired by my dad's years working the killing floor at Hormel.

Cow-Orker: Ohhh.

2011-03-15T06:18:00.000-05:00

Godzilla Pants: Now more than Ever

2011-03-12T12:44:00.000-06:00

Alleged Superheroes

2011-03-12T12:05:00.000-06:00

Sentient Breakfast

2011-03-08T15:24:00.001-06:00

Faux-Full-Body-Pelt Skedaddle

2011-03-07T21:21:00.002-06:00

Today's Film Inspired Prevaricaton du Jour

Flipping through the channels the other night I stumbled upon a scene of some older gentlemen dropping a suitcase and a bunch of sausages/weiners tumbling out of it.

Well, how could I not stop and see what this film was all about?

So I did and quickly recognized it as 1984's THE KILLING FIELDS. Having not seen it in years I stuck it out.

Flash forward to Monday morning at work.

Thanks to to accidental encounter with the image of some fellow dropping his weiner-filled suitcase I was entirely prepared to answer the typical Cow-Orker Question of How was your Weekend.

Here's how it went down:

Cow-Orker: Did you have a good weekend?

TIP: Yep. I caught a really cool movie on Saturday Night when I was flipping through the channels. Some dude dropped his suitcase and a bunch of weiners fell out of it. That was enough for me to stick with it to the end.

Cow-Orker: What was the movie called?

TIP: The Killing Fields.

Cow-Orker: What was it about?

TIP (Woo Hoo!): Cambodia's Sausage Industry under the Khmer Rouge. The Khmer Rouge were like our USDA.

Cow-Orker: Why was it called The Killing Fields?

TIP: Oh, right! See, the Khmer Rouge liked to make their weiners outside instead of in Sausage Factories or whatever. Quite controversial for its time.

Cow-Orker: That makes sense.

TIP: And that Lead Lawyer dude from the original Law and Order was in it. He was bearded and ran a Hot Dog Cart with his Cambodian buddy. Surprisingly touching film.

Cow-Orker: I'm going to check it out! Sounds...weird.

TIP: Yes. But worth it. Let me know when you see it.

Cow-Orker: OK.

I enjoyed this encounter (and fib) so much that it inspired a doodle.

2011-03-06T09:49:00.002-06:00

Late Corpulent Actors with Swords

Mama Cass

Not an Actor per se but she did appear as herself in the Scooby Doo episode THE HAUNTED CANDY FACTORY

2011-03-05T13:20:00.000-06:00

Bread Jesus

2011-03-05T11:41:00.002-06:00

Late Corpulent Actors with Swords

Jackie Gleason

Previously

2011-03-04T22:18:00.003-06:00

Marvel Comics Presents
WHAT IF:

Michael Landon in a Bear Suit had met Lou Ferrigno?

2011-03-03T09:18:00.003-06:00

The Birth of an Alias: Misheard Department

Setting: Near the Work Coffee Station

Cow-Orker #1: My husband and I are getting a new mattress.

Cow-Orker #2: My husband and I did that recently.

(who happens to saunter on through at this very moment?)

TIP: Same! My wife and I's old mattress started looking like a slightly ajar burrito.

Cow-Orker #1: A jarred burrito?

TIP (HAHA!!!): New from Hormel. I spilled it on our mattress. Can't really say why I had a bottle of burrito in bed with me though...

(looks around...walks away)

Ergo:

Slightly Ajar Burrtio -> Jarred Burrito -> Jared Burrtio.

2011-03-02T14:51:00.003-06:00

Late Corpulent Actors with Swords

Some quick sketches for a possible series

Raymond Burr with an Épée

Orson Welles with Excalibur-pierced Pig

2011-03-01T11:57:00.001-06:00

Overheard in line at the Gas Station Yesterday:

One Fellow (whispering...and clearly not effectively since I can report this): I accidentally took my Wife's Lady Pill yesterday.

Other Fellow: Oh, shit, man!

TIP (jumps in with a sympathetic tone): Oh. My. GOD! That happened to my eldest son! He took to wearing....decorative scarves. We had to have his stomach pumped!

First Fellow: Get out of here!

TIP: Will do! (leaves)

2011-02-12T08:06:00.001-06:00

Presidential Fiction meets Lovecraft

2011-01-26T13:53:00.001-06:00

I am Mocking your Start-of-the-Day-Beverage

Overheard a Cow-Orker saying:

Male Cow-Orker: Can't start my day without a glass of Crystal Light.

TIP (laughs too loudly)

Male Cow-Orker: What's so funny?

TIP: Crystal Light? Are you familar with Norman Fell from Three's Company?

Male Cow-Orker: No.

TIP: Oh...well...he and Disney's Tinkerbell were spokespeople for Crystal Light back in the day. You should Google Search Norman Fell and Tinkerbell. Something should come up. That's why I laughed.

Male Cow-Orker: Cool. I'll do that.

2011-01-23T21:33:00.001-06:00

PLOOK: Another Appearance as a Comic Book Sound Effect

From Cerebus #25

2011-01-14T17:15:00.000-06:00

BRAIN WORD BOOYA SLURRY

Today is the first day of the last day of the other day of the rest of the life of a besotted artiste--sans razor...and pants--and three other recovering fop-aholics trapped in a homemade Bouncy Town of their own design (rejected by the City Council as Too Suggestive and would Invite Errant Turgidity in the Loins of the Unsuspecting Roving Clutches of Urchlings...THINK OF THE FILTHY PUDDING CHILDREN); The Seventh Son of a Seventh Bum lacks the Skills and Fortitude to Warble his--and their--Way out of This Kerfluffle. Take note of the Notes I have scrawled 'pon these Crepes in a Drizzling of Sploo from the Pantry Panties of Yesterday's Strumpet.

2011-01-10T11:20:00.002-06:00

The Hemingway Challenge
(six word story)

with accompanying quick doodle:

2010-12-24T09:49:00.001-06:00

'Twas the Run Before Christmas
As Told by Sy-Klone

'Twas the run before Christmas, when all down the road
The Bandit was stirring, transporting a load
Frog at his side, from a wedding she fled
Always hopping around, putting thoughts in his head

Behind them rode Snowman, his path made clear
With his trusty Hound, Fred, he was hauling the beer.
Somewhere nearby, sat Dom DeLuise
Just give him some meatballs, he's easy to please

Speeding behind them, a lawman and son
Chase after Frog, is that Jackie Gleason?
Frog was to marry the son, to her shame
That mustached lawman, Buford T. Justice by name

Bandit laughed as his 'stache danced in the wind
Falling in love with his new girlfriend
Meanwhile, Snowman hummed a song or two
While Buford T. Justice's obscenities flew.

Through traps and stunts, Bandit's Trans-Am sped
Junior wants to marry Frog, but she's giving Burt head
Waiting in Georgia for their refreshing Coors
Big Enos and Little Enos, from whom Bandit scores

Pontiac so rapid, the cameos came
Soon Cannonball Run would be their great shame
Now Dean, now Sammy, now Dom DeLuise
On Farrah, on Roger, on Klinger the Sheik

To the top of the credits, to the top of the charts
Needham's southern fried chase films are practically art!
This is no Evening Shade, no, not at all
Burt's got a dinner theater and he's soon going to fall

But for now, the stars came, and the audience, too
To watch Bandit and Snowman in Smokey and the Bandit II
This time, no beer, but an elephant they haul
This premise is thin, did Reynolds read the script at all?

Sally Field grew tiresome, Reynolds grew bored
The elephant grew weary, Dom's ass is getting sore
But sequels would follow these 70s stars
Cannonball Run II? Now Jerry Reed's in the car?

Spiraling downward they tumbled, Dom is not having fun
And Reynolds, poor Burt, paid Loni a handsome sum
Soon he'd be forced to produce something raw
He'd get Burt Convy to host Win, Lose, or Draw

Soon there'd be Evening Shade, no, not Marilu
From the producers of Designing Women, say it ain't true!
Those were lean years, even Burt would have to say
And the 'stache (not the 'stache!) was beginning to turn gray!

Hope came for Burt Reynolds after some slights
He got a big role in a new film, Boogie Nights
We saw him again, briefly, shades of Burt, older and thick
As he took on that role, almost as big as Wahlberg's fake dick

As we looked on that Burt, that Burt of old
We remembered how we laughed at the story he told
Bandit and Frog and Snowman and Buford T.
Smokey and the Bandit, a true classic indeed

As I watch Smokey now, I feel like a fool
For one brief moment, Burt was pretty cool
As he chuckled and laughed with that inimitable twang
I could only join him, I laughed and sang:

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin'
We're gonna do what they say can't be done.
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
I'm east bound, just watch ol' Bandit run.

Keep your foot hard on the pedal. Son, never mind them brakes.
Let it all hang out 'cause we got a run to make.
The boys are thirsty in Atlanta and there's beer in Texarkana.
And we'll bring it back no matter what it takes.

East bound and down, loaded up and truckin',
we're gonna do what they say can't be done.
We've got a long way to go and a short time to get there.
I'm east bound, just watch ol' Bandit run!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

2010-12-23T14:11:00.000-06:00

Happy Holidays!

Cow-Orker: Is your Christmas Tree up?

TIP: Yeah. Although I've never really been a fan of them.

Cow-Orker: Why's that?

TIP: Y'see, when I was a kid I used to think that Christmas Trees topped with Decorative Angels looked a lot like the Angel was shitting a torrent of needley green poop. Never got over the image. Don't want a Shit Pylon in my living room with an Angel Astride it, you know?

Cow-Orker: ...

T

2010-12-03T13:06:00.003-06:00

Pat Loika Holiday Sketch 2010

Mirror Master!

2010-11-23T13:14:00.003-06:00

Thanksgorging

A little bit of this:

And a whole lotta:

2010-11-22T19:42:00.002-06:00

BATHROOM as Sound Effect

2010-10-07T14:17:00.001-05:00

Rocktobers of Yore!

October 13th, 1974

Ed Sullivan keels over on the same day that Billy Preston's Nothing from Nothing hits Number One on the Charts.

FroBehemoth trumps Stoneface

2010-09-21T14:51:00.002-05:00

Today in Salacious Zoo Activities

Brachiate over thissa way said the Swarthy Dago, Slick Unibrow waggling in a manner reminscent of Joe Cocker imitating bacon sizzling on a 60 Watt Lightbulb. The orangutan continued licking his lower digits...

2010-09-17T06:43:00.002-05:00

Fun with Cow-Orkers of Recent Vintage

Cow-Orker: Need to have my gutters fixed.
TIP: Mmm hmm. Neighbor's been having trouble with his.
Cow-Orker: How so?
TIP: He keeps shitting in them.
Cow-Orker: What?
TIP: He shits in his gutters. Says it's a thing or whatever.
Cow-Orker: Thing?
TIP: Sy-Colon-itis.
Cow-Orker: Bullshit.
TIP: Depends on his previous meals.
Cow-Orker (leaves)

ow-Orker: Where's your degree from?
TIP: Porcine University.
Cow-Orker: Where's that located?
TIP: Hamburg, Germany.
Cow-Orker: Oh, you studied overseas?
TIP: Yep.

Cow-Orker: You look angry.
TIP: No. This is my face at rest.
Cow-Orker: So you look angry all the time?
TIP: Would you like me to shave a smile into my facial hair? I could be Reverse Hobo Clown Face Lad.
Cow-Orker: You are mad.
TIP: Now.

Cow-Orker: I didn't want to leave my boyfriend in downtown Minneapolis without any money or a working cellphone.
TIP: Indeed. Imagine your next talk beginning with, "Honey, what's White Slavery?"
Cow-Orker: ...
TIP: FINE! "Honey, what's Indentured Servitude?" Better?
Cow-Orker: ...

Cow-Orker: I used to love reading Omni Magazine.
Cow-Orker II: Did you know that magazine was published by the same people as Penthouse?
Cow-Orker: Heh. Did it have a Omni Forum Column?
TIP: Yes. I remember one. "Dear Omni Forum. I was in orbit between Mars and Jupiter and decided to plook an Asteroid..."

2010-09-15T06:30:00.002-05:00

To whom it may concern,

If you happen to overhear someone mention their 'Time in the Pokey' there's a strong possibility that they mean incarceration and not their short-lived career as a Gumby Steed Impersonator.

Maybe.

2010-09-09T09:18:00.002-05:00

Zappa Dream

Last night/this morning I had a dream that involved me being a member of Zappa's band during his tour in support of the above album (renamed in the dream as Cruising with Ruben and the TIPs). Frank was conducting rehearsals and teaching each of his band members some dance moves. He turns to me (at one point) and says:

"Don't get all Fosse on me, TIP."

And then I woke up.

2010-07-16T17:50:00.001-05:00

I Spy with my Lil' Eye

Strolling past a Cow-Orker's Cubicle/Veal Fattening Pen, TIP notices a picture hanging up:

TIP: So, do you make your own sausage?

Cow-Orker: What? No! Why?

TIP: That's clearly a photo of two sausages on a blanket hanging there.

Cow-Orker: That's...that's a picture of my newborn's feet.

TIP: Is the rest of it in the grinder?

Cow-Orker: I told you...I don't make sausages and certainly not with my baby.

TIP: Still looks like sausages on a blanket.

Cow-Orker (turn back to computer and resumes working)

2010-06-28T14:44:00.004-05:00

TIPtone's Lost and Found Sign for Today

Now hanging on Work's Bulletin Board

FOUND: A pants button upon the floor of the First Floor Men's Room Handicap Stall

If you're a gentleman that's just now noticed he's in possession of very loose slacks on the cusp of kissing the ground please contact Tony with CFA. I know a good seamstress (local) that will be able to cure your Projected Work Place Indecency.

2010-05-31T08:39:00.002-05:00

Hobo Camp Memorial

Mandatory Work-Related Community Service Day was worth it as I discovered and dismantled a Hobo Encampment in the woods behind one of our campuses. Here's a pic of some of the stuff I removed:

A stool (and, thankfully, I didn't find the other kind of stool), a bottle of cheap wine and some silvery insulation type stuff that had been used as a tarp/canopy.

2010-05-19T13:26:00.001-05:00

TIP had to fetch grub for an FA Training Session going on today. The Slavering Mob ordered Famous Dave's.

Famous Dave's Flunkie: Here's the order.
TIP: Where's the whole steer we ordered? You know, the Beef and Hot Mop Special?
Famous Dave's Flunkie: We don't have that...what? What's the hot mop for?
TIP: For slapping your patented BBQ sauce all over the whole steer.
Famous Dave's Flunkie: You know...that'd be a good idea.
TIP: I'll sue Dave if that shit shows up on your damn menu.
Famous Dave's Flunkie: ...

2010-05-19T13:22:00.002-05:00

Robyn Hitchcock: Bookends

It began with BEAUTIFUL QUEEN and ended with GOODNIGHT OSLO...

*sniff*

2010-04-21T15:15:00.002-05:00

The rare sighting of the Suburban Mobile Hobo (SMOBO)

Day One: Monday of this Week

I pop outside for a smoke break and take note of two open (and presumably empty) Pineapple Juice cans (eww).

Hunh. A cow-orker clearly loves them Squeezings; so much so that they're trumpeting said passion by wantonly leaving their empties lying about...a declaration to all that If You don't Like Pineapple Juice, you Suck.

I turn away shamefully (as I hate Pineapple Juice) only to note some items parked behind the school's back-up generator.

Air Mattress, rumpled up Sleeping Bag, clothing, kick-standed basketed bicycle and assorted food items.

Well, well, well. A SMOBO has taken up residence on our property! Delightful!

AND HE/SHE LOVES PINEAPPLE JUICE!!!

Curiosity draws me closer (to Hell with the potential Stink Cloud Malador).

Total Cereal, eh? This SMOBO cares about the condition of his GI System. And a plastic razor! This SMOBO likes to keep smooth! Perhaps a lack of Beardly Action helps him/her blend into the Suburban Environs? Or maybe he/she likes to keep his NetherPatch high and tight?

What else is in those baskets?

A can of diced tomatoes and two containers of Chicken Bouillion!!! Not exactly what I'd Soup up but to each their own.

The other basket?

Er.
Sun Tea?
Urine?
A jelly of some sort?
A combination of all of this?

Sadly, I'm not brave (nor curious) enough to crack the lid to find out exactly.

Let's just say Sun Urine Jelly and move on.

I internally hope the SMOBO survives the evening and will still be around the next day.

Day Two: Tuesday of this Week

The SMOBO is still here!!!

But has clearly decided that he/she should tidy up a bit and keep a neat squat/parking area. Awesome!

Well, not exactly as his/her plastic razor is no longer welcome in the basket.

Nor is this matchbook from Mystic Lake Casino.

Did the razor go dull and he had to use the contents of the matchbook to torch off his/her undesired foliage?

SMOBOs are practical that way; modern day McGyvers...or something.

What will Day Three bring?

Day Three: Wednesday of this Week

Day Three brings disappointment as the SMOBO has departed.

Only the razor and the matchbook remained...

2010-04-08T20:31:00.002-05:00

Inspired by the below panel from The Mighty Avengers #201:

Jarvis: After the Plook Melon

2010-03-31T13:14:00.002-05:00

Is the World ready for the Superheroics of Kid Ingest?

2010-03-26T11:16:00.002-05:00

Today's the third anniversary of Roger the English Pilldog's Passing.

2010-03-26T11:11:00.001-05:00

Doodle Time (again)

2010-03-25T12:08:00.000-05:00

HULK SMASHTICATE BURGER!!!

2010-03-24T14:34:00.000-05:00

Zappa Inspired Prevarication

Cow-Orker: Could you check the status of a student?

TIP: Sure. What's the last name?

Cow-Orker: Schaffhausen

TIP: Hunh. Y'know, I speak a little German (thanks to my mother) and that...that's a really interesting last name.

Cow-Orker: It is? Why? What does it mean in German?

TIP: Stick it out.

Cow-Orker: What?

TIP: It means STICK IT OUT.

Cow-Orker: Stick WHAT out.

TIP: *ahem*

Cow-Orker: ...

2010-03-11T13:53:00.000-06:00

Hamming it up on Cow-Orkers: Dry-Erase Board Shenanigans

2010-03-03T18:04:00.000-06:00

Victor French drink. Beardless Sad.

2010-02-24T08:41:00.003-06:00

Question for the Day

Is this Movie

a prequel to this scene from The Shining?

2010-02-19T12:05:00.000-06:00

2010-02-18T09:08:00.002-06:00

And, lo, a New Euphemism was Born

"Can I put my fork in your water?"

2009-12-28T13:47:00.002-06:00

What if:

Michael Landon in a Bearsuit joined The Avengers?

Which I originally brought you here

Here's his Membership Card:

2009-12-24T10:24:00.001-06:00

TIP gets a Plook nod in Issue Three of Mice Templar: Destiny

2009-10-24T08:55:00.002-05:00

From today's Star Tribune

Two Job Choices you may not want to see collide

"Recently, she had been working full time for a St. Paul portable-toilet company and part time at a Stillwater restaurant."

2009-09-04T09:13:00.002-05:00

Ambush Bug meets Woodgod's Goat Pants

As rendered by Gregory Dickens from a request by TIP

2009-09-02T21:23:00.001-05:00

Quote of the Day

"I hope you don't mind if I leave these monkeys in the sink."

In reference to monkey-shaped plates...no, really.

T

2009-07-29T12:35:00.000-05:00

The Backstory of Children's Classics: Part One

2009-07-21T19:51:00.001-05:00

Wind Up Working in a Gas Station
An exchange from earlier today

Clerk 1: Can we ask you what you do for a living?

Me (setting soda on counter): Why?

Clerk 2: Because you look like someone I know that runs a salon.

Me (the HELL?!?): Ah, I see. Well, that's close. I work in scarves.

Clerk 1: Scarves? Like, you make scarves?

Clerk 2: Like for the winter time?

Me (heh): No no no. I work IN scarves. I'm an exotic dancer. Are you familiar with the Dance of the Seven Veils?

Clerk 1 and 2: ...

Me: Bye

2009-07-14T17:01:00.001-05:00

Vonnegut Motivational Poster
(I whipped up today)

2009-07-09T12:03:00.001-05:00

Jim the Sicilian (my father) Turns 75 Today

To celebrate, here's a recent conversation we had on Father's Day:

TIP (I said something that I cannot recall)

JTS (looks at me, looks at TYM and says): It's like he's talkin' outta Paper Asshole.

TYM: ?!?

JTS: You know what Paper is?

TYM: Of course.

JTS: You know what an Asshole is; you know, it makes the Candy Bars.

TYM: Er...uhm...yes.

JTS: Paper Asshole.

TIP (laughing)

2009-07-01T14:42:00.002-05:00

My Life as a Card Game

2009-06-15T10:10:00.001-05:00

Bundt Cake Sarlacc

would be a good band name.

T

2009-05-18T13:47:00.001-05:00

Today at Work

Cow-Orker: You look like you're up to no good.

TIP: You mean in general?

Cow-Orker: No, but you do have a swagger in your walk.

TIP: Is now the time I should confess to having a wooden leg?

Cow-Orker: ...

2009-05-14T10:34:00.003-05:00

With Farrah in the News...

First I brought you:

and now:

2009-05-11T09:31:00.000-05:00

Quote of the Weekend

"I've got a beer full of good fridge."

T

2009-05-08T08:55:00.001-05:00

Former Classmates: Part Whatever

I went to school with a kid named Richard Deep. His favorite film was The Abyss and he liked leaving dollops of yogurt in his front pockets which he referred to as his Delicious Ballast.

T

2009-05-05T16:05:00.000-05:00

Today's Work Meeting Doodle:

Swine Reclined (with Stink Lines)

2009-04-26T13:03:00.001-05:00

Plookie versus Swine Flu

2009-04-09T08:50:00.002-05:00

Plookie Versus the Seasons: Spring Division

Another month, another question appeared on the ol' Bulletin Board:

Which means another Plookie Appearance:

And up on the board it went:

2009-04-04T08:14:00.002-05:00

Friday's New Euphemism

"There's a lollipop in your Inbox."

*paging Mister Owl*

Water Closets arrive in North Dakota

2009-04-04T08:12:00.001-05:00

2009-03-16T09:08:00.002-05:00

Saint Patrick's Day and Plookie the Pig
(see entries from January 12th and February 13th for Previous Plookie Holiday Whoop-dee-doos)

Since Saint Patrick's Day is right around the corner (or passed out drunk in the alley), the Bulletin Board had this lil' Question up:

Naturally, I had a Plookie-related response:

So to the board it was added:

Plookie the Pig: The Voice of a Generation

2009-02-22T17:19:00.001-06:00

2009-02-17T12:00:00.002-06:00

Secret Admirer (Plookie related)

Follow-up to my posting on the Valentine's Day Board (see entry before this one):

I happened by the same board today and noted someone had added something to my Plookie posting.

Plookie: Feeling the Love.

T

2009-02-13T20:14:00.002-06:00

(Insert George Thorogood lyric here)

I took note that the New Years Resolution Board (as seen my January 12th entry) had morphed into a Valentine's Day Board and was now asking WHO, WHAT DO YOU LOVE?:

So I did up one of my own:

And added it to the proceedings:

From the Vaults: EasyPants like Sunday Morning....

2009-01-28T09:30:00.001-06:00

2009-01-24T18:43:00.002-06:00

Know your Groupings
A few examples

Murder of Crows
Pride of Lions
Shame of Hobos

T

2009-01-12T13:53:00.001-06:00

Resolvin' for an Oink Lessening

I took note of a New Years Resolution Board up at one of our Campuses:

So I did up one of my own:

and added it to the proceedings:

2009-01-07T11:18:00.001-06:00

TIP Thought

A Hickory Farms Summer Sausage meat tube may/may not be adequate as a dinner supplement.

T

2008-12-15T02:34:00.002-06:00

Now more apt than ever before:

The Bears: FEAR IS NEVER BORING (Live from 1987)

2008-10-30T09:55:00.002-05:00

BE(ARD)MUSED

I stopped to buy coffee this morning on the way to work. I ended up at my not normal Coffee Getting Locale. Fill my mug AND my thermos. Go to the counter.

Dude at Counter(DaC): Double-fisting it today, I see.

Me: Uhm, yeah.

DaC: Gonna be a rough day at work?

Me: Likely.

DaC: Let me guess, you do something...artsy?

Me (taken aback...the fuck?): Yes. Yes I do. I'm a butcher and meat is my medium and my beard is my muse.

Dac: ...

Me: How much for this coffee?

DaC: $1.80.

Me: Thanks.

(rubbing beard with thermos on the way out)

T

Inspiration for Halloween Costume

2008-10-21T17:02:00.001-05:00

2008-10-07T17:20:00.003-05:00

Mauling Victor French
with special thanks to Michael Kraven for bringing this to our attention

Little House on the Prairie
Season Two
Episode Twelve

Entitled HIS FATHER'S SON

Synopsis:

Mr. Edwards and John Jr. feel estranged from each other, and an upset Mr. Edwards tries to make his son join him in his way of life. With an expensive gun Mr. Edwards also offers to take him on a hunting trip to his son's dismay.

John Jr. writes a heartfelt letter which Mr. Edwards apparently disregards leaving his son with no choice but to go with him. During the trip a frightening encounter helps Mr. Edwards understand his son, and John discovers that his father does care for him, but he couldn't read the note he wrote for him.

It is while on this hunting trip that real television magic happens.

Mister Edwards (as portrayed by the late great Victor French) hears something and scouts ahead (leaving his boy back and away from possible harm).

It turns out to be....A BEAR!!!

And a stealthy one at that as it takes our bearded hero by surprise!

Wazzat?!?

WHACK!!!

His trusty hat goes flying and the lumbering Edwardsian form eats forest floor while the Bear has other Eating Plans.

Mister Edwards struggles futilely against his Ursine Foe.

And the wounds from the mauling rack up.

Helpless now before the ferocious attack, the Bear reveals his modus operandi when he flips Edwards over and nuzzles into his pack.

It was all for a sandwich.

NOT MY SAMMICH!

Eventually Mister Edwards' wussy son arrives and runs for help.

Mister Edwards survives but has been revealed as an illiterate.

It turns out that the man in the Bear Suit was none other than Michael Landon (Pa Ingalls on the show AND the writer and director of this episode)!!!

Was he sending a message to Victor French? It's hard to say as the hirsute behemoth of an actor was also his co-star on HIGHWAY TO HEAVEN.

Landon in a Bear Suit.

Classic.

T

McCain's Party Hat

2008-09-19T13:57:00.001-05:00

2008-09-19T13:10:00.001-05:00

To Clarify

No, dear sir, the word Tumescent is NOT in reference to the odor of one's belly.

T

2008-09-15T05:54:00.001-05:00

Mickey Slipped

It was one of those out-of-the-blue ticklish times, akin to being plooped roughly atop a faux-Muppet-seque Skin area rug and, in a poor man's Frank Oz, demanding to be called Sweetums while dribbling copious amounts of forehead sweat across the flushed nape of a Driving School Instructor in Swine headgear. Images of a fleet of poorly driven Le Cars sputtering and weaving through a dimly lit and mildy dampened tunnel strobe through your head; as do the imagined WHISH-WHISHING sounds of hurled Lew Zealand-Weaponized Fish pinwheeling past your goggled mind's eyes--eyes of a googley nature, black dots on white spheres, clearly disconnected from any optic nerves, ricocheting hither and non within plasticine orbs.

What was in that Malted?

The Minnesota State Fair distilled down to One Image

2008-09-02T17:48:00.001-05:00

Euphemism of the Day: Someone Weinered the Garden Gnome

2008-08-27T17:51:00.001-05:00

2008-08-14T16:45:00.002-05:00

Old Country Buffet has set their Sights on Me

Back in 2003 I wrote the following:

PDAs @ OCB

There is nothing more warming to my cold black heart than witnessing a horde of people (family? friends? a combination of both?) hugging one another outside the area's Old Country Buffet and knowing that each and everyone of them is overly-sated from the establishment's well-known All-You-Can-Eat smorgasbord-ian spread. Essentially each affectionate grapple is one stuffed-to-the-uvula humanoid squeezing another equally filled-to-the-molars biped in sort of post-chug-a-lunch love fest.

"I love you, Arlene. Glad you didn't pass on that third plate of country-fried steak."

(hug)

"Likewise, Jorge...I can still smell the emptied gravy boat contents on your lips and lapels."

(hug)

"Oh...it was cute when little Caitlin ate her first turkey leg!"

(hug)

"Grandma! That wasn't a (urp) TURKEY leg...That was a porkchop on a stick!!!"

(hug)

"I'm tellin' ya, Morton...you go through creamed corn like swine spillings through the Killing Floor grating."

(hug)

"Get outta here, Rick-ster...you know full (har) well that you got the crown to show yer King of Ham Alley."

(hug)

Yep.

Warms my heart like the inseams of a fat man's pants after a dash to the Lowfat Yogurt dispenser.

I could use more hugs in my life.

Sounds like it might be time to pencil in a weekly visit to the OCB to right this wrong.

T
(time to break my monogrammed bib out of storage from my years as a competitive eater)

Today I happened to scribble out the following bit:

Meanwhile, the post-gorging scrum of bloated diners lollygag about the front entrance of an area Old Country Buffet, basking in the odiferous gravy fogs issuing forth from their still quivering and ever so greased mastication holes.

Mere hours later I arrive home to discover the following in my mailbox:

This CANNOT be a coincidence.

I is a-feared.

T

2008-08-12T17:22:00.002-05:00

Today's NotHistory Lesson

"Could you explain the Russia/Georgia situation?"

In 1971 Duane Allman slid his motorcycle (or mota-sickle as he was oft-heard to mutter due to his dislike for the letter R due to a heightened loathing for Communists) into a truck (tuck) and lost his life (or so they say)...you see where this is going, yes, comrade?.

That's right; the real tensions (AND specific consonant abhorance) came to a head when it was discovered that guitarist Duane Allman was actually a long-thought-dead (and apparently extremely long-lived and/or reincarnated) Grigori Rasputin hiding in plain sight as a member of the Allman Brothers.

Or maybe not.

(ahem)

T
(or maybe so...perhaps a recovering groupie from the late 60s/early 70s could take a gander at the pickled dong of Rasputin and get back to us with a Yea or Nay? Feel free to Google Image Search that for...er...details)

((oh...the OTHER Georgia?!?)

2008-08-09T09:13:00.002-05:00

Phrase of the Day

"Well, I'd seen those laxative tantrums before..."

T

2008-07-29T16:22:00.002-05:00

(Mis)Overheard(?!?)

I cannot be 100% certain of this...but I swear that I heard some fellow say the following to a buddy of his the other night:

"I like my women like I like my moonwalks..."

I didn't hear the specifics that followed but it left me wondering what EXACTLY he may have meant.

I like my women:

Bouncy?

Inflatable?

Full of Kids?

Multicolored and shaped like a cartoon character and/or clown's head?

I may need to summon a carnie to get to the bottom of this...or not.
T

2008-07-18T12:52:00.002-05:00

I Need a (dozen) Towel(s) so the Boy(s) can take a Shower
slightly amended bit from Frank Zappa's DONG WORK FOR YUDA

Scene: The Zappa Plays Zappa show at First Avenue on June 6th, 2008

Participants: Tour Related Paraphelnia Salesperson and yours truly

Me: Hey, wow! A Frank Zappa wall tapestry! That's pretty sweet. How much is that?

Salesperson: Uhm, no, that's actually a Frank Zappa beach towel.

Me: What? That's a bit odd considering he was a studio rat and all. A beach towel? It'd be cooler if it was a wall tapestry or a faux Shroud of Turin with a Frank slant in lieu of JC, y'know?

S: Er. Uh. Well, Mister Zappa DID live in California and, if you're familiar with its geography, it has a lot of beaches. Ergo, beach towel.

Me: Oh, hell. Using that logic I could justify selling Official Joe Cocker canned hams at his concerts by telling folk he spent the better part of 1967 sleeping in a pig sty on a swine skin cot.

S: ...

Me: I'll take the beach towel...but I'm calling it a tapestry and hanging it on the wall.

S: Whatever.

and just for Porcinely Laughs:

One thing to do while bored at Barnes and Noble

2008-07-12T02:51:00.001-05:00

2008-07-04T13:43:00.004-05:00

My Contribution to a friend of mine's new One Sentence Book Reviews

Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls

"This is what happens when you mail order dogs."

or

"I cannot not think of this book whenever I hear the term Blood Bubble."

T

2008-06-30T13:42:00.002-05:00

Monty Python Reference and my Holy Grail (Wizard World Chicago variation)

Many of you may be familiar with the following bit from an episode of Monty Python's Flying Circus:

Interviewer: Good evening. I have with me in the studio tonight one of the country's leading skin specialists, Raymond Luxury Yacht.

Raymond Luxury Yacht: That's not my name!

Interviewer: [tries literal pronunciation] I'm sorry; Raymond Luxury Yatscht.

Raymond Luxury Yacht: No no no, it's spelled, "Raymond Luxury Yacht," but it's pronounced, "Throat Warbler Mangrove".

Interviewer: You are a very silly man, and I'm not going to interview you.

Well, at the very least, I'M very familiar with it.

I seemed to recall that a reference to Throat Warbler Mangrove appeared in an old issue of IRON MAN from the classic run by David Michilinie and Bob Layton. I spent some time scouring the Internet for hints and clues to which issue it might have been and successfully narrowed it down to two. Unfortunately I no longer possess any of these comics BUT I was going to be in attendance at the Wizard World Chicago comic convention (last weekend) so I noted said issue numbers (#s 140 and 141 of Iron Man volume one).

I'm pleased to announce that I did find both issues and that, in fact, said reference to the Python bit above appears on page one of issue #140.

Here it is:

Let's ZERO in on that Bad Boy:

So, really, I did manage to locate my 'grail' as it were.

Heh.

T

2008-06-20T14:28:00.002-05:00

Another Classmate

I went to school with a kid named Sod Family Trailer. He had a thing for walking thirteen feet behind the female teachers and yelling, "I sweat bile, I bleed Killing Floor juice, I expectorate like a Mucous Elder God and I've got no time for Multiplication tables, chairs or FOOT STOOLS! Luxuriate in my viscous miasma!" Sod even inquired with a podiatrist about why it was his feet didn't shit; like it was some defect of his tootsies (and not a total misunderstanding of Ottomans). He's now married to a county road by the name of Lathered Pony Way.

T